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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Tourist Trapped." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "N/A" Next: "The Legend of the Gobblewonker"
The episode opens with a shot of the sun. Dipper begins narrating.
Dipper (Narrating) Ah, summer break.
The camera pans to Hank grilling burgers while twins are running around beside him.
Hank So you want cheese on that, hun?
Unnamed wife Sure, Hank.
Dipper (Narrating) A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy.
The camera stops at the "Welcome to Gravity Falls" sign.

Dipper (Narrating)

Unless you're me.
Mabel and Dipper Pines crash through the sign with the Mystery Cart, screaming. They are being chased by an unknown monster, knocking down trees. Mabel looks back.
Mabel It's getting closer!
The monster tries to catch the cart several times, but fails. The cart flies off a rock and lands roughly.
Dipper (Narrating) My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror.
The monster throws a tree in their path.
Mabel Look out!
The screen stops with Mabel and Dipper screaming.
Dipper (Narrating) Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.
Cut to the theme song.
Dipper (Narrating) Let's rewind. It all began when our parents decided we could use some fresh air. They shipped us up north to a sleepy town called Gravity Falls, Oregon to stay at our great uncle's place in the woods.
Cut to Mabel in the attic hanging up posters.
Mabel This attic is amazing. Check out all my splinters!
Dipper And there's a goat on my bed.
The goat starts gnawing on Mabel's sweater sleeve.
Mabel

Hey, friend. Oh! Yes, you can keep chewing on my sweater. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Dipper (Narrating) My sister tended to look on the brighter side of things.
Cut to Mabel rolling down a hill of grass.
Mabel Yay! Grass!
A woodpecker pecks on Dipper's old hat.
Dipper (Narrating) But I was having a hard time getting used to our new surroundings.
Stan scares Dipper with a green monster mask.
Stan Boo!
Dipper Ah!
Stan pops his mask off, laughing obnoxiously.
Dipper (Narrating) And then there was our great uncle Stan.
Cut to Stan, still laughing and slapping his knee.
Dipper (Narrating) That guy.
Stan starts to cough and chokes.
Stan It was worth it.
Dipper (Narrating) Our uncle transformed his house into a tourist trap he called 'The Mystery Shack.' The real mystery is why anyone came.
The Jackalope's antler breaks off.
Stan Ladies and Gentlemen, behold! The Sascrotch!
Cut to a Sasquatch wearing underwear. People get excited and speak, and snap pictures. Cut to Dipper sweeping the wooden floor with a broom.
Dipper (Narrating)

And guess who had to work there.

Dipper sighs while sweeping. Mabel is about to touch a head-sized eyeball. Stan slaps Mabel's hand with his 8-Ball cane.
Stan No touching the merchandise!
Cut to Soos driving the Mystery Cart to The Mystery Shack.
Dipper (Narrating) It looked like it was going to be the same boring routine all summer. Until one fateful day...
Cut to Mabel peeking through Stan bobbleheads.
Mabel He's looking at it! He's looking at it!
Cut to a boy looking at Mabel's note. It reads-
Boy

Uh, (Reading off the note) "Do you like me?

Yes.

Definitely.

Absolutely?"

Mabel I rigged it!
Dipper Mabel, I know you're going through your whole "Boy Crazy" phase, but I think you're kind of over doing it with the "crazy" part.
Mabel What?
Mabel sticks her tounge out.
Mabel Come on, Dipper! This is our first summer away from home. It's my big chance to have an epic summer romance.
Dipper Yeah, but do you need to flirt with every guy you meet?
Flirting montage starts.
Mabel My name is Mabel. But you can call me "The girl of your dreams".
Mabel batts eyelashes and pushes boy. Boy falls over postcard stand.
Mabel I'm joking! Ha ha ha ha!
Cut to a boy holding a turtle on a bench, Mabel's head pops up behind it.
Mabel Oh my gosh, you like turtles? I like turtles too! What is happening here?!
Cut to a store that sells mattresses and an employee who is dressed as a savings king.
MP Come one, come all, to the Mattress Prince's kingdom of savings!
Mabel (Hiding behind a set of colorful balloons, pops out head and whispers.) Take me with you...
MP Ah!
Cut back to Mabel and Dipper.
Mabel Mock all you want, brother, but I've got a good feeling about this summer. I wouldn't be surprised if the man of my dreams walked through that door right now.
Cut to the museum door, Stan walks in it with arrow signs and a Pitt Cola. He belches.
Stan Oh! Oh, not good. Ow.
Mabel Oh, why?
Dipper Ha ha ha!
Stan All right, all right, look alive people. I need someone to hang up these signs in the spooky part of the forest.
Dipper (Quickly) Not it.
Mabel (Quickly) Not it.
Soos Uh, also not it.
Stan Nobody asked you, Soos.
Soos I know, and I'm comfortable with that.
Soos eats a chocolate bar.
Stan Wendy, I need you to put up these signs!
Wendy I would, but I can't, ugh, reach it.
Wendy grunts while "reaching" the signs while distractedly reading a magazine.
Stan I'd fire all of you if I could. All right, let's make it... eenie, meenie, mieney…
Stan points at Dipper.
Stan You.
Dipper Aw, what? Grunkle Stan, whenever I'm in those woods, I feel like I'm being watched.
Stan Ugh, this again.
Stan face palms.
Dipper I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just today, my mosquito bites spelled out "BEWARE".
Stan (Looks at Dipper's arm) That says "BEWARB". Look, kid. The whole "monsters in the forest" thing is just local legend, trumped up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that.
A fat, sweaty male tourist laughs while looking at a Stan bobble head on the shelf.
Stan So quit being so paranoid!
Stan gives Dipper the signs. Dipper sighs.
Cut to a foggy forest with trees getting blown by the wind.
Dipper Ugh, Grunkle Stan. Nobody ever believes anything I say.
Dipper puts one sign up on a tree that says "To The Mystery Shack". He starts to hammer a nail on another tree trunk, but it makes a metallic sound. He taps the tree with the hammer, more metallic sounds. He wipes away some dust and opens a secret window that opens up to a box with two control switches on top. He tests one control but nothing happens. Then he tries the other. Behind him, a hole opens up the ground while Gompers, the goat, was sniffing it. The goat bleats and runs away.
Dipper What the?
Dipper looks inside the hole, and there is a book. The cover features a hand with six fingers on it and the number 3. He puts the book on the ground, and checking if no one sees him. He flips one page and an eye-glass is in it. He looks at the eye-glass and puts it down. He flips another page, and begins reading.
Dipper (Reading) "It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon."
Dipper flips through three pages.
Dipper What is all this?
Dipper stops at the page that says TRUST NO ONE! on it.
Dipper (Reading) "Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before "he" finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust." (Talking to self) No one you can trust...
Mabel appears on a log.
Mabel Hello!
Dipper Ah!
Mabel What'cha readin'? Some nerd thing?
Dipper Uh, uh, it’s nothing!
Mabel (Imitating Dipper.) "Uh, uh, it’s nothing!" (Laughs) What? Are you actually not gonna show me?
The goat nibbles the edge of the journal.
Dipper Uhhh, let's go somewhere private.
Cut to a view of The Mystery Shack. Weird noises are heard.
Dipper It's amazing! Grunkle Stan said I was being paranoid…
Dipper opens the book to a middle page and points in it.
Dipper But according to this book, Gravity Falls has a secret dark side. (Dipper shoves the book in Mabel's face as she looks in it.)
Mabel Whoa! Shut up! (Mabel pushes Dipper.)
Dipper And get this! After a certain point, the pages just stop, like the guy who was writing it mysteriously disappeared!
Doorbell rings.
Dipper Who's that?
Mabel Well, time to spill the beans!
(Mabel knocks over a can of beans she sees on a nearby table.)
Mabel Boop. Beans! This girl's got a date! Woo-woo!
Mabel falls off the edge of the chair she's sitting on and onto the seat, giggling.
Dipper Let me get this straight: in the half hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend?
Mabel climbs up to the chair edge again.
Mabel What can I say? I guess I'm just irresistible!
Doorbell rings twice.
Mabel Oh! Coming!
Mabel runs out of the room. Dipper sits in the chair and reads his book. Stan walks in drinking a soda.
Stan What you reading there, Slick?
Dipper Oh!
Dipper stuffs the book under the seat cushion and grabs a magazine next to the beans.
Dipper I was just catching up on,uh...
Dipper flips to the cover.
Dipper Gold Chains for Old Men Magazine?
Stan That's a good issue.
Dipper pretends to read.
Mabel Hey, family!
Grunkle Stan and Dipper turn to see Mabel standing in the doorway, her boyfriend facing the opposite direction.
Mabel Say hello to my new boyfriend!
Mabel's boyfriend turns around.
Norman 'Sup?
Dipper Hey?
Stan How's it hanging?
Mabel We met at the cemetery. He's really deep.
Mabel feels Norman's muscles.
Mabel Oh! Little muscle there. He, he wh-what a surprise.
Dipper So, what's your name?
Norman Uh...normal..man.
Mabel He means Norman.
Dipper Are you.. bleeding, Norman?
Norman looks around suspiciously.
Norman It's jam.
Mabel gasps
Mabel I love jam! Look at this.
Mabel pushes Norman in the arm.
Norman So, you wanna go hold hands or... whatever?
Mabel Oh, oh my goodness..he he.. Don't wait up!
Mabel leaves the room. Norman smacks into the wall then turns around and staggers after Mabel, you can later hear glass breaking.
Dipper (Narrating) There was something about Norman that wasn't right. I decided to consult the journal.
Cuts to the shack's attic where Dipper is reading off of the book.
Dipper Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes these creatures are often mistaken for...teenagers! Beware Gravity Fall's nefarious...
Dipper gasps and thunder is heard. Then Dipper compares Norman to the picture of the undead in the book in his mind.
Norman (Imaginary) 'Sup.
Dipper Zombie!
Dipper's voice echoes as he yells "zombie". Cuts to Grunkle Stan in the bathroom.
Stan Somebody say "crombie"? What is it, crombie? That's not even a word... You're losing your mind.
Dipper looks out the window, seeing Norman slowly walking towards Mabel.
Mabel I like you.
Dipper Oh, no! Mabel!
Cuts to Commercial Break.
Dipper No, no, Mabel! Watch out!
Norman continues to walk towards Mabel, as he raises his hands. Dipper gasps then screams. Norman puts a flower necklace around Mabel’s neck.
Mabel Huh, daisies? You scallywag...
Dipper Is my sister really dating a zombie, or am I just going nuts?
Soos It's a dilemma, to be sure.
Soos randomly appears screwing in a light bulb, and Dipper gasps.
Soos  I couldn't help but overhear you talking aloud to yourself in this empty room.
Dipper Soos, you've seen Mabel's boyfriend. He's gotta be a zombie, right?
Soos Hmm. How many brains did you see the guy eat?
Dipper (looks down) Zero.
Soos Look, dude, I believe you. I'm always noticing weird stuff in this town. Like the mailman? Pretty sure that dude's a werewolf.
Cuts to the hairy mailman walking by Soos, who is eating his lunch outside. Soos slightly moves away from him.
Soos But you gotta have evidence. Otherwise, people are gonna think you’re a major league cuckoo clock.
Dipper As always, Soos, you’re right.
Soos My wisdom is both a blessing and a curse.
Stan

 '('Off-screen) Soos! The portable toilets are clogged again!

Soos I am needed elsewhere.
Soos leaves the room backwards.
Dipper (Narrating)  My sister could be in trouble. It was time to get some evidence. 
Montage sequence: Dipper follows Mabel and Norman around town with a video camera. Every scene, Norman does zombie like things, but Mabel doesn't seem to notice.
Dipper (Narrating) I’d seen enough.
Cuts to Mabel and Dipper's room. Dipper enters.
Dipper Mabel! We’ve gotta talk about Norman!
Mabel Isn’t he the best? Check out this giant smooch mark he gave me!
Mabel turns her cheek toward Dipper, it is slightly pinker than usual. Dipper screams.
Mabel Ha, ha! Gullible. It was just an accident with the leaf blower!
Cut to Mabel’s incident with the leaf blower. 

She puts a picture of Norman on leaf blower.

Mabel Kissing practice!
Mabel leans in to "kiss" the picture. However, the leaf blower gets stuck on her mouth.
Mabel (slamming leaf blower attached to her face on the ground) Ah! Turn it off, turn it off!
Cut back to the present.
Mabel That was fun.
Dipper No! Mabel, listen! I’m trying to tell you that Norman is not what he seems!
Mabel gasps and claps a hand over her mouth.
Mabel You think he might be a vampire? That would be so awesome!
Dipper Guess again, sister. Sha-bam!  
Dipper holds up the page about gnomes. Mabel is disturbed by this.
Dipper Oh, wait. Uh, I’m sorry.
Dipper 

quickly flips to the page about the undead.

Dipper Sha-bam!
Mabel A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper.
Dipper I’m not joking! It all adds up! The bleeding, the limp. He never blinks! Have you noticed that?
Mabel Maybe he’s blinking when you’re blinking.
Dipper Mabel, remember what the book said about Gravity Falls? (Whispers) Trust no one!
Mabel Well, what about me, huh? Why can’t you trust me?
Mabel puts on her gold star-shaped earrings
Mabel Beep, bop!
Dipper Mabel! He’s gonna eat your brain!
Mabel (Angrily) Dipper, listen to me. Norman and I are going on a date at five o’clock, and I’m gonna be adorable, and he’s gonna be dreamy…
Dipper Wait! B-b-b-but, but, but…
Mabel …And I am not gonna let you ruin it with one of your crazy conspiracies!
Mabel slams the door to their room.
Dipper (Sighs and sits down) What am I gonna do?
Mabel (Puts on her sweater as she races downstairs) Coming! Hey, Norman! How do I look?
Norman Shiny.
Mabel You always know what to say!
She takes Norman's hand and they walk off together in the woods. Dipper wearily watches them from the living room. He slouches in his chair.
Dipper Soos was right. I don’t have any real evidence. I guess I can be kind of paranoid sometimes and— (Norman's hand falls off. He glances around furtively, then reattaches it.) Wait, what?! (Screams) I was right! Oh my gosh! (He races outside) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!
Stan And here we have “Rock That Looks Like A Face” rock; The rock that looks like a face.
Thin Tourist Does it look like a rock?
Stan No, it looks like a face.
Fat Tourist Is it a face?
Stan It’s a rock that looks like a face!
Dipper Over here! Grunkle Stan!
Stan For the fifth time! It’s... it's not an actual face!
Mabel Finally, we’re alone.
Norman Yes. Alone…
Dipper Stan! Stan! (sees Wendy in a golf cart) Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save my sister from a zombie!
Wendy (Gives Dipper the key) Try not to hit any pedestrians!
Soos Dude, it’s me, Soos. This is for the zombies. (gives Dipper a shovel)
Dipper Thanks.
Soos (Holds up a baseball bat) And this is in case you see a piñata.
Dipper (Takes the bat) Uh…Thanks?
Soos Better safe than sorry!
Norman Uh, Mabel, now that we’ve gotten to know each other, there’s… there’s something I should tell you.
Mabel Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything! (thinking) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire…
Norman All right, just…Just don’t freak out, okay? Just keep an open mind, be cool!
Mabel watches in shock as Norman takes off his clothes, revealing himself to be five gnomes standing on top of each other. The gnome on top, Jeff, speaks.
Jeff Is this weird? Is this too weird? Do you need to sit down?
Mabel (Stares at the gnomes in total shock.)
Jeff Right, I’ll explain. So! We’re gnomes. First off. Get that one outta the way.
Mabel Uh…
Jeff I’m Jeff, and here we have Carson, Steve, Jason and... I’m sorry, I always forget your name.
Shmebulock Shmebulock.
Jeff (snaps his fingers) Shmebulock! Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin' for a new queen! Right, guys?
Gnomes Queen! Queen! Queen!
Jeff Heh! So what do you say? Will you join us in holy matri-gnome-y? Matri...matri-mo-ny! Blah! Can’t talk today!
Mabel Look...I'm sorry, guys. You're really sweet, but...I'm a girl, and you're gnomes, and it's like, "what"? Yikes...
Jeff We understand. We'll never forget you, Mabel. Because we're gonna kidnap you.
Mabel Huh?!
Jeff (yells and jumps at her)
Mabel (screams)
Dipper (Driving the Mystery Cart through the woods) Don't worry, Mabel! I'll save you from that zombie!
Mabel (off-screen) Help!
Dipper Hold on!
Jeff The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody! Just...Ha, okay. Get her arm there, Steve!
Mabel Let go of me! (Punches one gnome away and kicks another in the stomach. The second gnome gets up and vomits up a rainbow)
Dipper

What the heck is going on here?! (A gnome hisses at him and runs)

Mabel Dipper! Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they're total jerks! (A gnome pulls her hair) Hair! Hair! Hair!
Dipper Gnomes? Huh, I was way off. (Takes the journal out of his vest and reads the relevant page aloud) "Gnomes; little men of the Gravity Falls forest. Weaknesses, unknown."
When Dipper lowers the book, he sees that the gnomes have managed to tie Mabel to the ground.
Mabel Aw, come on!
Dipper (Walks up to Jeff) Hey, hey! Let go of my sister!
Jeff Oh! Ha ha...Hey, there! Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in danger. She's just marrying all one thousand of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity! Isn't that right, honey?
Mabel You guys are butt-faces! (Gnome covers her mouth before she can say anything else)
Dipper (Holds up the shovel he brought, pointing it at Jeff) Give her back right now, or else!
Jeff You think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the--(Dipper scoops Jeff up with the shovel and tosses him aside.) Aaah!
Dipper uses the shovel to cut the ropes holding Mabel. She breaks free of the gnomes and gets up, takes Dipper's hand and they both run to the Mystery Cart.
Jeff He's getting away with our queen! No, no, no!
Dipper Seatbelt! (Dipper and Mabel get in the Mystery Cart and drive away)
Jeff You've messed with the wrong creatures, boy! Gnomes of the forest! Assemble!
Mabel Hurry before they come after us!
Dipper I wouldn't worry about it. See their little legs? Those suckers are tiny!
Mabel Dang.
Jeff All right! Teamwork, guys! Like we practiced!
Mabel Move, move!
Jeff Come back with our queen!
Mabel It's getting closer!
Shmebulock jumps on Dipper. Dipper catches him and hits him several times on the wheel.
Shmebulock Shmebulock... AAAHH!
Mabel I'll save you, Dipper! (Repeatedly punches the gnome off of Dipper's face and the gnome falls off with Dipper's old hat)
Dipper Thanks, Mabel.
Mabel Don't mention it. (The gnome monster throws a tree in front of them) Look out! (they crash the Mystery Cart in front of the Mystery Shack)
Dipper Stay back, man! (Throws the shovel at the gnome monster, but it smashes it. They both scream) Uh, where's Grunkle Stan?
Stan Behold! The world's most distracting object! Just try to look away! You can't! I can't even remember what I was talking about.
Jeff It's the end of the line, kids! Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!
Dipper There's gotta be a way out of this!
Mabel I gotta do it.
Dipper What? Mabel, don't do this! Are you crazy?
Mabel Trust me.
Dipper What?
Mabel Dipper, just this once! Trust me! All right, Jeff. I'll marry you.
Jeff Hot dog! Help me down there, Jason! Thanks, Andy! All right, left foot there we go. Watch those fingers, Mike. Eh? Eh? (Mabel allows Jeff to put the ring on her finger) Bada-bing, bada-bam! Now let's get you back into the forest, honey!
Mabel You may now kiss the bride!
Jeff Well, don't mind if I do! (Mabel turns leaf blower on) Hey, hey, wait a minute! Whoa, whoa! What's goin' on?! (leaf blower sucks up Jeff)
Mabel That's for lying to me! (Mabel increases the sucking power) That's for breaking my heart!
Jeff Ow! My face!
Mabel And this is for messing with my brother! Wanna do the honors? (Points the leafblower towards the gnome monster, the gnome monster utters a deep, gasp)
Dipper On three!
Dipper & Mabel One, two, three! (Blasts Jeff twords the gnome monster)
Jeff (As he flies into the distance) I'll get you back for this!
Gnome 1 Who's giving orders? I need orders!
Gnome 2 My arms are tired.
Dipper
(While Mabel moves the leafblower back and forth) Anyone else want some? (the gnomes escape back into the forest on all 4's, one gets stuck in trash and strugles, a goat comes and picks up the trash with the gnome in it as he screams)
Mabel Hey, Dipper! I, um...I'm sorry for ignoring your advice. You really were just looking out for me.
Dipper Oh, don't be like that. You saved our butts back there!
Mabel I guess I'm just sad that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.
Dipper Look on the bright side. Maybe the next one will be a vampire!
Mabel Oh, you're just saying that!
Dipper Awkward sibling hug?
Mabel Awkward sibling hug.
Dipper & Mabel Pat. Pat.
Stan Yeesh! You two get hit by a bus or something? Hah! (Mabel and Dipper ignore him) Uh, hey! W-Wouldn't you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory! So, how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?
Mabel Really?
Dipper What's the catch?
Stan The catch is do it before I change my mind. Now take something.
Dipper (he picks the blue pine tree hat that he wears every episode) Hm. That ought to do the trick!
Mabel And I will have a ... grappling hook! Yes!
Stan Wouldn't you rather have, like, a doll, or something?
Mabel shoots the grappling hook into one of the ceiling’s supporter beams. She knocks down some boxes on the way up.
Mabel Grappling hook!
Stan Fair enough! (hits cash register)
(Cut to Mabel and Dipper's bedroom. Dipper is writing while Mabel jumps on the bed)
Dipper (Narrating) This journal told me there was no one in Gravity Falls I could trust. But when you battle a hundred gnomes side-by-side with someone, you realize that they've probably always got your back.
Dipper Hey, Mabel. Could you get the light?
Mabel I'm on it! (knocks light out window with grappling hook) It works! Ha ha, grappling hook.
Dipper (Narrating) Our uncle told us there was nothing strange about this town. But who knows what other secrets are waiting to be unlocked.
(Cut to Mystery Shack exterior. Grunkle Stan walks in holding a lantern.)
(Cut to interior)(Stan enters a code into the vending machine and walks into the secret passage that is revealed. The machine closes and flickers out. Fade to credits.)
Gnome (In panel above credits)(Vomiting a four-colored rainbow onto the ground with his hand on a tree. Episode ends.)

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