Tourist Trapped/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Tourist Trapped." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "N/A"

Next: "The Legend of the Gobblewonker"

	The episode opens with a shot of the sun. Dipper begins narrating.
Dipper (Narrating)	Ah, summer break.
	The camera pans to Hank grilling burgers while twins are running around beside him.
Hank	So you want cheese on that, hun?
Unnamed wife	Sure, Hank.
Dipper (Narrating)	A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy.
	The camera stops at the "Welcome to Gravity Falls" sign.
Dipper (Narrating)	Unless you're me.
	Mabel and Dipper Pines crash through the sign with the Mystery Cart, screaming. They are being chased by an unknown monster, knocking down trees. Mabel looks back.
Mabel	It's getting closer!
	The monster tries to catch the cart several times, but fails. The cart flies off a rock and lands roughly.
Dipper (Narrating)	My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror.
	The monster throws a tree in their path.
Mabel	Look out!
	The screen stops with Mabel and Dipper screaming.
Dipper (Narrating)	Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.
	Cut to the theme song.
Dipper (Narrating)	Let's rewind. It all began when our parents decided we could use some fresh air. They shipped us up north to a sleepy town called Gravity Falls, Oregon to stay at our great uncle's place in the woods.
	Cut to Mabel in the attic hanging up posters.
Mabel	This attic is amazing. Check out all my splinters!
Dipper	And there's a goat on my bed.
	The goat starts gnawing on Mabel's sweater sleeve.
Mabel	Hey, friend. Oh! Yes, you can keep chewing on my sweater. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Dipper (Narrating)	My sister tended to look on the brighter side of things.
	Cut to Mabel rolling down a hill of grass.
Mabel	Yay! Grass!
	A woodpecker pecks on Dipper's old hat.
Dipper (Narrating)	But I was having a hard time getting used to our new surroundings.
	Stan scares Dipper with a green monster mask.
Stan	Boo!
Dipper	Ah!
	Stan pops his mask off, laughing obnoxiously.
Dipper (Narrating)	And then there was our great uncle Stan.
	Cut to Stan, still laughing and slapping his knee.
Dipper (Narrating)	That guy.
	Stan starts to cough and chokes.
Stan	It was worth it.
Dipper (Narrating)	Our uncle transformed his house into a tourist trap he called 'The Mystery Shack.' The real mystery is why anyone came.
	The Jackalope's antler breaks off.
Stan	Ladies and Gentlemen, behold! The Sascrotch!
	Cut to a Sasquatch wearing underwear. People get excited and speak, and snap pictures. Cut to Dipper sweeping the wooden floor with a broom.
Dipper (Narrating)	And guess who had to work there.
	Dipper sighs while sweeping. Mabel is about to touch a head-sized eyeball. Stan slaps Mabel's hand with his 8-Ball cane.
Stan	No touching the merchandise!
	Cut to Soos driving the Mystery Cart to The Mystery Shack.
Dipper (Narrating)	It looked like it was going to be the same boring routine all summer. Until one fateful day...
	Cut to Mabel peeking through Stan bobbleheads.
Mabel	He's looking at it! He's looking at it!
	Cut to a boy looking at Mabel's note. It reads-
Boy	Uh, (Reading off the note) "Do you like me? Yes. Definitely. Absolutely?"
Mabel	I rigged it!
Dipper	Mabel, I know you're going through your whole "Boy Crazy" phase, but I think you're kind of over doing it with the "crazy" part.
Mabel	What?
	Mabel sticks her tounge out.
Mabel	Come on, Dipper! This is our first summer away from home. It's my big chance to have an epic summer romance.
Dipper	Yeah, but do you need to flirt with every guy you meet?
	Flirting montage starts.
Mabel	My name is Mabel. But you can call me "The girl of your dreams".
	Mabel batts eyelashes and pushes boy. Boy falls over postcard stand.
Mabel	I'm joking! Ha ha ha ha!
	Cut to a boy holding a turtle on a bench, Mabel's head pops up behind it.
Mabel	Oh my gosh, you like turtles? I like turtles too! What is happening here?!
	Cut to a store that sells mattresses and an employee who is dressed as a savings king.
MP	Come one, come all, to the Mattress Prince's kingdom of savings!
Mabel	(Hiding behind a set of colorful balloons, pops out head and whispers.) Take me with you...
MP	Ah!
	Cut back to Mabel and Dipper.
Mabel	Mock all you want, brother, but I've got a good feeling about this summer. I wouldn't be surprised if the man of my dreams walked through that door right now.
	Cut to the museum door, Stan walks in it with arrow signs and a Pitt Cola. He belches.
Stan	Oh! Oh, not good. Ow.
Mabel	Oh, why?
Dipper	Ha ha ha!
Stan	All right, all right, look alive people. I need someone to hang up these signs in the spooky part of the forest.
Dipper	(Quickly) Not it.
Mabel	(Quickly) Not it.
Soos	Uh, also not it.
Stan	Nobody asked you, Soos.
Soos	I know, and I'm comfortable with that.
	Soos eats a chocolate bar.
Stan	Wendy, I need you to put up these signs!
Wendy	I would, but I can't, ugh, reach it.
	Wendy grunts while "reaching" the signs while distractedly reading a magazine.
Stan	I'd fire all of you if I could. All right, let's make it... eenie, meenie, mieney…
	Stan points at Dipper.
Stan	You.
Dipper	Aw, what? Grunkle Stan, whenever I'm in those woods, I feel like I'm being watched.
Stan	Ugh, this again.
	Stan face palms.
Dipper	I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just today, my mosquito bites spelled out "BEWARE".
Stan	(Looks at Dipper's arm) That says "BEWARB". Look, kid. The whole "monsters in the forest" thing is just local legend, trumped up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that.
	A fat, sweaty male tourist laughs while looking at a Stan bobble head on the shelf.
Stan	So quit being so paranoid!
	Stan gives Dipper the signs. Dipper sighs.
	Cut to a foggy forest with trees getting blown by the wind.
Dipper	Ugh, Grunkle Stan. Nobody ever believes anything I say.
	Dipper puts one sign up on a tree that says "To The Mystery Shack". He starts to hammer a nail on another tree trunk, but it makes a metallic sound. He taps the tree with the hammer, more metallic sounds. He wipes away some dust and opens a secret window that opens up to a box with two control switches on top. He tests one control but nothing happens. Then he tries the other. Behind him, a hole opens up the ground while Gompers, the goat, was sniffing it. The goat bleats and runs away.
Dipper	What the?
	Dipper looks inside the hole, and there is a book. The cover features a hand with six fingers on it and the number 3. He puts the book on the ground, and checking if no one sees him. He flips one page and an eye-glass is in it. He looks at the eye-glass and puts it down. He flips another page, and begins reading.
Dipper	(Reading) "It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon."
	Dipper flips through three pages.
Dipper	What is all this?
	Dipper stops at the page that says TRUST NO ONE! on it.
Dipper	(Reading) "Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before "he" finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust." (Talking to self) No one you can trust...
	Mabel appears on a log.
Mabel	Hello!
Dipper	Ah!
Mabel	What'cha readin'? Some nerd thing?
Dipper	Uh, uh, it’s nothing!
Mabel	(Imitating Dipper.) "Uh, uh, it’s nothing!" (Laughs) What? Are you actually not gonna show me?
	The goat nibbles the edge of the journal.
Dipper	Uhhh, let's go somewhere private.
	Cut to a view of The Mystery Shack. Weird noises are heard.
Dipper	It's amazing! Grunkle Stan said I was being paranoid…
	Dipper opens the book to a middle page and points in it.
Dipper	But according to this book, Gravity Falls has a secret dark side. (Dipper shoves the book in Mabel's face as she looks in it.)
Mabel	Whoa! Shut up! (Mabel pushes Dipper.)
Dipper	And get this! After a certain point, the pages just stop, like the guy who was writing it mysteriously disappeared!
	Doorbell rings.
Dipper	Who's that?
Mabel	Well, time to spill the beans!
	(Mabel knocks over a can of beans she sees on a nearby table.)
Mabel	Boop. Beans! This girl's got a date! Woo-woo!
	Mabel falls off the edge of the chair she's sitting on and onto the seat, giggling.
Dipper	Let me get this straight: in the half hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend?
	Mabel climbs up to the chair edge again.
Mabel	What can I say? I guess I'm just irresistible!
	Doorbell rings twice.
Mabel	Oh! Coming!
	Mabel runs out of the room. Dipper sits in the chair and reads his book. Stan walks in drinking a soda.
Stan	What you reading there, Slick?
Dipper	Oh!
	Dipper stuffs the book under the seat cushion and grabs a magazine next to the beans.
Dipper	I was just catching up on,uh...
	Dipper flips to the cover.
Dipper	Gold Chains for Old Men Magazine?
Stan	That's a good issue.
	Dipper pretends to read.
Mabel	Hey, family!
	Grunkle Stan and Dipper turn to see Mabel standing in the doorway, her boyfriend facing the opposite direction.
Mabel	Say hello to my new boyfriend!
	Mabel's boyfriend turns around.
Norman	'Sup?
Dipper	Hey?
Stan	How's it hanging?
Mabel	We met at the cemetery. He's really deep.
	Mabel feels Norman's muscles.
Mabel	Oh! Little muscle there. He, he wh-what a surprise.
Dipper	So, what's your name?
Norman	Uh...normal..man.
Mabel	He means Norman.
Dipper	Are you.. bleeding, Norman?
	Norman looks around suspiciously.
Norman	It's jam.
	Mabel gasps
Mabel	I love jam! Look at this.
	Mabel pushes Norman in the arm.
Norman	So, you wanna go hold hands or... whatever?
Mabel	Oh, oh my goodness..he he.. Don't wait up!
	Mabel leaves the room. Norman smacks into the wall then turns around and staggers after Mabel, you can later hear glass breaking.
Dipper (Narrating)	There was something about Norman that wasn't right. I decided to consult the journal.
	Cuts to the shack's attic where Dipper is reading off of the book.
Dipper	Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes these creatures are often mistaken for...teenagers! Beware Gravity Fall's nefarious...
	Dipper gasps and thunder is heard. Then Dipper compares Norman to the picture of the undead in the book in his mind.
Norman	(Imaginary) 'Sup.
Dipper	Zombie!
	Dipper's voice echoes as he yells "zombie". Cuts to Grunkle Stan in the bathroom.
Stan	Somebody say "crombie"? What is it, crombie? That's not even a word... You're losing your mind.
	Dipper looks out the window, seeing Norman slowly walking towards Mabel.
Mabel	I like you.
Dipper	Oh, no! Mabel!
	Cuts to Commercial Break.
Dipper	No, no, Mabel! Watch out!
	Norman continues to walk towards Mabel, as he raises his hands. Dipper gasps then screams. Norman puts a flower necklace around Mabel’s neck.
Mabel	Huh, daisies? You scallywag...
Dipper	Is my sister really dating a zombie, or am I just going nuts?
Soos	It's a dilemma, to be sure.
	Soos randomly appears screwing in a light bulb, and Dipper gasps.
Soos	I couldn't help but overhear you talking aloud to yourself in this empty room.
Dipper	Soos, you've seen Mabel's boyfriend. He's gotta be a zombie, right?
Soos	Hmm. How many brains did you see the guy eat?
Dipper	(looks down) Zero.
Soos	Look, dude, I believe you. I'm always noticing weird stuff in this town. Like the mailman? Pretty sure that dude's a werewolf.
	Cuts to the hairy mailman walking by Soos, who is eating his lunch outside. Soos slightly moves away from him.
Soos	But you gotta have evidence. Otherwise, people are gonna think you’re a major league cuckoo clock.
Dipper	As always, Soos, you’re right.
Soos	My wisdom is both a blessing and a curse.
Stan	'('Off-screen) Soos! The portable toilets are clogged again!
Soos	I am needed elsewhere.
	Soos leaves the room backwards.
Dipper (Narrating)	My sister could be in trouble. It was time to get some evidence.
	Montage sequence: Dipper follows Mabel and Norman around town with a video camera. Every scene, Norman does zombie like things, but Mabel doesn't seem to notice.
Dipper (Narrating)	I’d seen enough.
	Cuts to Mabel and Dipper's room. Dipper enters.
Dipper	Mabel! We’ve gotta talk about Norman!
Mabel	Isn’t he the best? Check out this giant smooch mark he gave me!
	Mabel turns her cheek toward Dipper, it is slightly pinker than usual. Dipper screams.
Mabel	Ha, ha! Gullible. It was just an accident with the leaf blower!
	Cut to Mabel’s incident with the leaf blower.  She puts a picture of Norman on leaf blower.
Mabel	Kissing practice!
	Mabel leans in to "kiss" the picture. However, the leaf blower gets stuck on her mouth.
Mabel	(slamming leaf blower attached to her face on the ground) Ah! Turn it off, turn it off!
	Cut back to the present.
Mabel	That was fun.
Dipper	No! Mabel, listen! I’m trying to tell you that Norman is not what he seems!
	Mabel gasps and claps a hand over her mouth.
Mabel	You think he might be a vampire? That would be so awesome!
Dipper	Guess again, sister. Sha-bam!
	Dipper holds up the page about gnomes. Mabel is disturbed by this.
Dipper	Oh, wait. Uh, I’m sorry.
	Dipper  quickly flips to the page about the undead.
Dipper	Sha-bam!
Mabel	A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper.
Dipper	I’m not joking! It all adds up! The bleeding, the limp. He never blinks! Have you noticed that?
Mabel	Maybe he’s blinking when you’re blinking.
Dipper	Mabel, remember what the book said about Gravity Falls? (Whispers) Trust no one!
Mabel	Well, what about me, huh? Why can’t you trust me?
	Mabel puts on her gold star-shaped earrings
Mabel	Beep, bop!
Dipper	Mabel! He’s gonna eat your brain!
Mabel	(Angrily) Dipper, listen to me. Norman and I are going on a date at five o’clock, and I’m gonna be adorable, and he’s gonna be dreamy…
Dipper	Wait! B-b-b-but, but, but…
Mabel	…And I am not gonna let you ruin it with one of your crazy conspiracies!
	Mabel slams the door to their room.
Dipper	(Sighs and sits down) What am I gonna do?
Mabel	(Puts on her sweater as she races downstairs) Coming! Hey, Norman! How do I look?
Norman	Shiny.
Mabel	You always know what to say!
	She takes Norman's hand and they walk off together in the woods. Dipper wearily watches them from the living room. He slouches in his chair.
Dipper	Soos was right. I don’t have any real evidence. I guess I can be kind of paranoid sometimes and— (Norman's hand falls off. He glances around furtively, then reattaches it.) Wait, what?! (Screams) I was right! Oh my gosh! (He races outside) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!
Stan	And here we have “Rock That Looks Like A Face” rock; The rock that looks like a face.
Thin Tourist	Does it look like a rock?
Stan	No, it looks like a face.
Fat Tourist	Is it a face?
Stan	It’s a rock that looks like a face!
Dipper	Over here! Grunkle Stan!
Stan	For the fifth time! It’s... it's not an actual face!
Mabel	Finally, we’re alone.
Norman	Yes. Alone…
Dipper	Stan! Stan! (sees Wendy in a golf cart) Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save my sister from a zombie!
Wendy	(Gives Dipper the key) Try not to hit any pedestrians!
Soos	Dude, it’s me, Soos. This is for the zombies. (gives Dipper a shovel)
Dipper	Thanks.
Soos	(Holds up a baseball bat) And this is in case you see a piñata.
Dipper	(Takes the bat) Uh…Thanks?
Soos	Better safe than sorry!
Norman	Uh, Mabel, now that we’ve gotten to know each other, there’s… there’s something I should tell you.
Mabel	Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything! (thinking) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire…
Norman	All right, just…Just don’t freak out, okay? Just keep an open mind, be cool!
	Mabel watches in shock as Norman takes off his clothes, revealing himself to be five gnomes standing on top of each other. The gnome on top, Jeff, speaks.
Jeff	Is this weird? Is this too weird? Do you need to sit down?
Mabel	(Stares at the gnomes in total shock.)
Jeff	Right, I’ll explain. So! We’re gnomes. First off. Get that one outta the way.
Mabel	Uh…
Jeff	I’m Jeff, and here we have Carson, Steve, Jason and... I’m sorry, I always forget your name.
Shmebulock	Shmebulock.
Jeff (snaps his fingers)	Shmebulock! Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin' for a new queen! Right, guys?
Gnomes	Queen! Queen! Queen!
Jeff	Heh! So what do you say? Will you join us in holy matri-gnome-y? Matri...matri-mo-ny! Blah! Can’t talk today!
Mabel	Look...I'm sorry, guys. You're really sweet, but...I'm a girl, and you're gnomes, and it's like, "what"? Yikes...
Jeff	We understand. We'll never forget you, Mabel. Because we're gonna kidnap you.
Mabel	Huh?!
Jeff	(yells and jumps at her)
Mabel	(screams)
Dipper	(Driving the Mystery Cart through the woods) Don't worry, Mabel! I'll save you from that zombie!
Mabel	(off-screen) Help!
Dipper	Hold on!
Jeff	The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody! Just...Ha, okay. Get her arm there, Steve!
Mabel	Let go of me! (Punches one gnome away and kicks another in the stomach. The second gnome gets up and vomits up a rainbow)
Dipper	What the heck is going on here?! (A gnome hisses at him and runs)
Mabel	Dipper! Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they're total jerks! (A gnome pulls her hair) Hair! Hair! Hair!
Dipper	Gnomes? Huh, I was way off. (Takes the journal out of his vest and reads the relevant page aloud) "Gnomes; little men of the Gravity Falls forest. Weaknesses, unknown."
	When Dipper lowers the book, he sees that the gnomes have managed to tie Mabel to the ground.
Mabel	Aw, come on!
Dipper	(Walks up to Jeff) Hey, hey! Let go of my sister!
Jeff	Oh! Ha ha...Hey, there! Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in danger. She's just marrying all one thousand of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity! Isn't that right, honey?
Mabel	You guys are butt-faces! (Gnome covers her mouth before she can say anything else)
Dipper	(Holds up the shovel he brought, pointing it at Jeff) Give her back right now, or else!
Jeff	You think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the--(Dipper scoops Jeff up with the shovel and tosses him aside.) Aaah!
	Dipper uses the shovel to cut the ropes holding Mabel. She breaks free of the gnomes and gets up, takes Dipper's hand and they both run to the Mystery Cart.
Jeff	He's getting away with our queen! No, no, no!
Dipper	Seatbelt! (Dipper and Mabel get in the Mystery Cart and drive away)
Jeff	You've messed with the wrong creatures, boy! Gnomes of the forest! Assemble!
Mabel	Hurry before they come after us!
Dipper	I wouldn't worry about it. See their little legs? Those suckers are tiny!
Mabel	Dang.
Jeff	All right! Teamwork, guys! Like we practiced!
Mabel	Move, move!
Jeff	Come back with our queen!
Mabel	It's getting closer!
	Shmebulock jumps on Dipper. Dipper catches him and hits him several times on the wheel.
Shmebulock	Shmebulock... AAAHH!
Mabel	I'll save you, Dipper! (Repeatedly punches the gnome off of Dipper's face and the gnome falls off with Dipper's old hat)
Dipper	Thanks, Mabel.
Mabel	Don't mention it. (The gnome monster throws a tree in front of them) Look out! (they crash the Mystery Cart in front of the Mystery Shack)
Dipper	Stay back, man! (Throws the shovel at the gnome monster, but it smashes it. They both scream) Uh, where's Grunkle Stan?
Stan	Behold! The world's most distracting object! Just try to look away! You can't! I can't even remember what I was talking about.
Jeff	It's the end of the line, kids! Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!
Dipper	There's gotta be a way out of this!
Mabel	I gotta do it.
Dipper	What? Mabel, don't do this! Are you crazy?
Mabel	Trust me.
Dipper	What?
Mabel	Dipper, just this once! Trust me! All right, Jeff. I'll marry you.
Jeff	Hot dog! Help me down there, Jason! Thanks, Andy! All right, left foot there we go. Watch those fingers, Mike. Eh? Eh? (Mabel allows Jeff to put the ring on her finger) Bada-bing, bada-bam! Now let's get you back into the forest, honey!
Mabel	You may now kiss the bride!
Jeff	Well, don't mind if I do! (Mabel turns leaf blower on) Hey, hey, wait a minute! Whoa, whoa! What's goin' on?! (leaf blower sucks up Jeff)
Mabel	That's for lying to me! (Mabel increases the sucking power) That's for breaking my heart!
Jeff	Ow! My face!
Mabel	And this is for messing with my brother! Wanna do the honors? (Points the leafblower towards the gnome monster, the gnome monster utters a deep, gasp)
Dipper	On three!
Dipper & Mabel	One, two, three! (Blasts Jeff twords the gnome monster)
Jeff	(As he flies into the distance) I'll get you back for this!
Gnome 1	Who's giving orders? I need orders!
Gnome 2	My arms are tired.
Dipper	(While Mabel moves the leafblower back and forth) Anyone else want some? (the gnomes escape back into the forest on all 4's, one gets stuck in trash and strugles, a goat comes and picks up the trash with the gnome in it as he screams)
Mabel	Hey, Dipper! I, um...I'm sorry for ignoring your advice. You really were just looking out for me.
Dipper	Oh, don't be like that. You saved our butts back there!
Mabel	I guess I'm just sad that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.
Dipper	Look on the bright side. Maybe the next one will be a vampire!
Mabel	Oh, you're just saying that!
Dipper	Awkward sibling hug?
Mabel	Awkward sibling hug.
Dipper & Mabel	Pat. Pat.
Stan	Yeesh! You two get hit by a bus or something? Hah! (Mabel and Dipper ignore him) Uh, hey! W-Wouldn't you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory! So, how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?
Mabel	Really?
Dipper	What's the catch?
Stan	The catch is do it before I change my mind. Now take something.
Dipper	(he picks the blue pine tree hat that he wears every episode) Hm. That ought to do the trick!
Mabel	And I will have a ... grappling hook! Yes!
Stan	Wouldn't you rather have, like, a doll, or something?
	Mabel shoots the grappling hook into one of the ceiling’s supporter beams. She knocks down some boxes on the way up.
Mabel	Grappling hook!
Stan	Fair enough! (hits cash register)
	(Cut to Mabel and Dipper's bedroom. Dipper is writing while Mabel jumps on the bed)
Dipper (Narrating)	This journal told me there was no one in Gravity Falls I could trust. But when you battle a hundred gnomes side-by-side with someone, you realize that they've probably always got your back.
Dipper	Hey, Mabel. Could you get the light?
Mabel	I'm on it! (knocks light out window with grappling hook) It works! Ha ha, grappling hook.
Dipper (Narrating)	Our uncle told us there was nothing strange about this town. But who knows what other secrets are waiting to be unlocked.
	(Cut to Mystery Shack exterior. Grunkle Stan walks in holding a lantern.)
	(Cut to interior)(Stan enters a code into the vending machine and walks into the secret passage that is revealed. The machine closes and flickers out. Fade to credits.)
Gnome	(In panel above credits)(Vomiting a four-colored rainbow onto the ground with his hand on a tree. Episode ends.)