The Stanchurian Candidate/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "The Stanchurian Candidate." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

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	Scene opens from Stan's perspective in the Mystery Shack as he is waking up. It switches to a top view of him in bed.
Stan Pines	Alright Stan, another day, another random body pain. Here we go. (puts on slippers that are soaked in milk) Ugh! (finds a note on his desk)
Mabel Pines (note)	Dear Stan, I needed something to carry milk in so I used your slippers. Love, Mabel.
Stan	(shudders; walks into the kitchen and tries to turn on the light but it explodes) Uggghhh. (goes to find new light bulbs but finds the box empty except for a note)
Dipper Pines (note)	Dear Stan, I took these to build a planetarium suit for Soos! Sorry! Dipper.
Stan	(grumbles; crumples note)
	Cuts to Stan waiting in line in a grocery store at the checkout counter with light bulbs. Robbie, Lee, Tambry and Nate show up behind him.
Lee	Woah, lets not take this line. There's an old person in it.
Robbie Valentino	Psh, yeah. He's probably gonna pay with like, pennies and, war bonds.
Stan	Hey! For your information, I was gonna shoplift most of this.
Cashier	Security!
Stan	(security guards rush for him) Ha! Smoke bomb! (throws smoke bombs on the floor but it does nothing) Aw seriously? (gets tackled) Ahh!
	Cuts to Stan coming home bruised with the light bulbs with him.
Stan	Ugh. Rough start to a day. (walks towards the kitchen) But it's all gonna be worth it when I fix that light bul- (Ford is screwing in the light bulb with Dipper, Mabel and Soos)
Ford Pines	And..we're.. done!
Dipper, Mabel and Soos Ramirez	(cheer)
Mabel	Does anyone see this? This is what a hero looks like right here.
Stan	I thought we were out of light bulbs.
Ford	Oh we were, so I invented my own! It will last a thousand years and the light it emmits makes your skin softer.
Dipper, Mabel and Soos	Oooh!
Soos	Never have I known such softness!
Ford	Anyway, where were you?
Stan	(throws new light bulbs in the trash; goes to the TV and picks up the remote) Well TV at least you appreciate me. Give me the good news. (turns on the TV)
Shandra Jimenez	This just in, the mayor is dead.
Stan	What!?
Dipper	(walks in with Mabel) Woah, what's going on?
Shandra	Raised by bears in the wilderness, Mayor Eustace "Huckabone" Befufftlefumpter was best known for raising the water tower, possible starting World War I, and putting town menace Gideon Gleeful behind bars, in actual adult prison. A memorial statue is already being carved in the deceased mayor's honor. (cries while her co-host comforts her) I'm sorry. It' just been so long since we've had real news. I'm just so happy! (keeps crying)
Shandra's Co-host	There will be a town hall meeting this afternoon to discuss replacing him.
Stan	New mayor huh? Wonder who it could be... (sees his reflection in the TV)
	Cuts to the theme song. Cuts to Town Hall with everyone there.
Sheriff Blubs	Alright. Order! Order everyone! Calm down now! We're here to choose a mayor for the first time in almost a century. According to the town charter, (pulls out and old scroll as a bat flies out of it) a worthy candidate is defined as anyone who can cast a shadow, count to ten, and throw their hat into the provided ring. (Deputy Durland brings out a hoop and places it on the floor, Bud Gleeful immediately throws his hat in it)
Bud Gleeful	Well now I do believe I fulfill all the requirements.
Dipper	Wait, Bud Gleeful?
Mabel	He looks good! Considering we threw his son in jail.
Stan	(Sitting back) That was a good day.
Bud	Now folks I now our families had its fair shares of whoopsie daisies in the past, but I'd like to make up for it by formally announcing my candidacy for the mayor of Gravity Falls! Any questions?
Toby Determined	Yes, are you still in contact with Lil' Gideon?
Bud	That's a great question, I'm giving you 50% off a used car.
Toby	Fifty percent! FIFTY PERCENT!!! (rips his notepad in half)
Bud	In fact, everyone look under your seats. (Pointing) You get half off a used car! You get half off a used car!
Mabel	Wow, a colorful piece of paper? He's got my vote!
Dipper	Guys I've got a really bad feeling about Bud Gleeful as mayor.
Soos	I dunno dude, it's not like we have a lot of good mayor options. Everyone in this town is a tad strange. Except ironically, Tad Strange.
Tad Strange	Hi guys, Tad's the name, and being normal's my game.
Mabel	Loving you, Tad!
Tad	(holds up a slice of bread) And I love bread!
Dipper	It's a shame Ford isn't here, he'd run. And win! And be a great mayor!
Bud	So, since everyone's happy I'll just take the oath of office now sound good give it up? (Stan throws his fez in the hoop, and everyone gasps)
Stan	Hold it right there Bud! I'm taking you on! (everyone gasps)
Bud	Stanford? No offence but you're just some two-bit carnival barker. And your head is more ears than face!
Stan	Oh yeah? Well your face is more fat... than... not fat! (everyone gasps)
Tad	Oh snap.
Stan	Whaddya say folks? Are we just gonna let Bud win? How about a real election!
Tyler Cutebiker	Get in there cap! (everyone throws their hats in)
Bud	Well, looks like we've got some competition here folks. Which I'm fine with, totally fine with! (pulls Stan towards him and talks quietly) I was gonna let bygones be bygones Stan, but you just made a powerful enemy. I'll win either way, and when I do, you might not like the Gravity Falls you wake up in! (punches out the Mystery Shack on a map of Gravity Falls hanging on the wall)
Dipper and Mabel	(gasp)
Townspeople	Election! Election! Election!
Blubs	Let the madness begin! (fires cannon)
Mabel	Grunkle Stan what are you doing?
Stan	Running for mayor! Did I... did I not make that clear?
Mabel	Grunkle Stan, it's not that we think you can't do it, it's just-
Dipper	No no, it's okay, Mabel. We don't think you can do it.
Stan	Look, kids. The mayor kicking the bucket got me thinking. I'm an old man, and I'm not getting any younger. My dumb brother's research is probably gonna make him famous. And what do I have to show for my life? Do I really want "crooked grifter" on my tombstone? How about "crooked mayor"!
Dipper	Psst, Mabel, let's talk. (turns to Mabel) I know Stan isn't the best candidate. Heck, he's committing voter fraud right now. (camera turns to show Stan, stuffing in votes into his own ballot box) But Bud's definitely up to something, and we're the only ones who can stop him.
Mabel	You're right, Dipper. Besides, Stan has a kind-of charisma. How hard could getting him elected be? (Dipper takes off his pine tree cap and they both reach for matching hats and put on "Vote Stan" campaign stickers.)
	Cut to the Mystery Shack, which now has a sign over "Mystery", reading "Mayorly Shack". There are several U.S. flags and "Vote Stan" signs all over.
Wendy	(Seen writing on Waddles' body: "SWINES 4 PINES" and on the other side "BUD'S A DUD") Spread the word, pig!
Dipper	Alright everybody, eyes up here! (opens a rolled paper with a lot of dust coming out) Okay, Gravity Falls Elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a freedom eagle who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him anointing him mayor. (shows everybody frowning) (while rolling paper) I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.
	(phone rings in the "Phone Bank")
Mabel	Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?
Stan	I got my mouth don't I?
Mabel	(on the phone) Okay you're on with the candidate.
Voice over	You're listening to Falls Radio: 24 hour news and bare rampage alert, and now here's the T-man.
Toby	Hello! Candidate Stan first question: How do you feel about the American flag?
Stan	Meh, I can take it or leave it, too many stripes. Next question.

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