The Golf War/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "The Golf War." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Into the Bunker"

Next: "Sock Opera"

	We open to a shot of the Mystery Shack. Dipper is sitting on the couch watching television, while Waddles and him are eating a bowl of cereal.
	Stan walks over with a pan in his hand.
Grunkle Stan	Who wants Stancakes? They're like pancakes, but they probably have some of my hair in 'em.
Dipper	Pass.
	Mabel bursts through the door giddily, with a newspaper in hand.
Mabel	It's here! (runs around, and screams). Aaah! Oh, it's here! It's here, it's here! I've been waiting all morning and it's finally here! The Gravity Falls Gossiper accepted my article about summer fashion tips for squirrels. My picture is gonna be in the newspaper! Check it! (shows everyone a view of the newspaper.)
Stan	Pacifica Northwest declares v-neck the look of the season! What am I looking at here?
Mabel	Woah, woah, what?! (looks at the newspaper.)
	The newspaper reads "GREATEST THING OF THE SUMMER!", and shows a portrait of Pacifica Northwest, with the caption "PACIFICA NORTHWEST".
Dipper	(reading from the newspaper) Looks like someone bought their way to the front page.
Stan	(reading from the newspaper) Is it legal for a child to wear that much make-up?
Mabel	(groans) Ugh, Pacifica! She always ruins everything!
Dipper	Aw, cheer up Mabel! I mean, no one even reads newspapers anymore.
	Soos walks in.
Soos	Dudes! V-neck season is upon us! Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashion curve? I'm taking it one step further. (holds up a pair of scissors and a marker.) With a w-neck. (draws a construction line for a w, and cuts along the lines.) Must..follow..newspaper.
	Mabel glumly runs over to the nearby table, and furiously pours herself a glass of orange juice, which she gulps down.
Mabel	Aack! I need something to get my mind off this.
	Cut to the television
Commercial	Looking for a distraction from your horrible life?
Mabel	Why yes!
Commercial	Victory, honor, destiny, mutton! These old-timey sounding words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt! *No mutton available at the snack shop*
Dipper	Hey, Mabel! You love mini-golf! (pulls out a scrapbook with a picture of Mabel winning a trophy at a minor-league gold competition with the caption "AGE 9") She's been amazing at it since we were kids! What do you say, Mabel? We've had a stressful couple of days. How about we take a break, huh?
Stan	Would kicking all our butts at mini-golf cheer you up?
Mabel	Maybe a little.
Dipper	Come on, Mabel! Victory!
Mabel	Honor!
Stan	Destiny!
	Cut to Soos.
Soos	Mutton! (Soos' w-neck flaps down)
	Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos walk out towards the front door.
All (cheering)	[As the leave the Shack]' Victory, honor, destiny, mutton! Victory, honor, destiny, mutton!
Soos (offscreen)	And the pig can look after the house!
	The door shuts, and we cut to Waddles on the couch.
Waddles	Oinks
	Cut to the Gravity Falls Theme Song
	Cut to a shot of the Ye Royal Discount Putt Hutt
	Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos walk through.
Soos	Woohoo!
Mabel	Woah!
Dipper	Wow!
Stan	Woah!
	We see a few people walking around the course, and we cut to Dipper and Mabel.
Mabel	Ahh, mini-golf! The sport of mini champions!
Dipper	The grass is fake, but the fun is real! There's something here for everyone!
	We cut to Robbie spray-painting "Weiners" on a wall.
Robbie	(laughs)
King of Mini-golf	Hey, you! Stop!
	Robbie runs away screaming.
King of Mini-golf	Come back here! (He powers on his golf cart, and attempts to chase Robbie.) Hey, those are lewd gestures!
	We cut back to Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos.
Dipper	Focus! Focus!.. And, eh... (he misses the golf ball with his club, which rolls into the nearby pond instead.)
Mabel	Don't worry, bro! You're still, (slaps a sticker on his cheek.) Eh! Ext-roar-dinary!
Dipper	I'll take what I can get.
	Dipper walks off, and we focus on Mabel.
Mabel	Do the hip wiggle, and eh! (she hits a golf ball with her club which touches Old Man McGucket's nose and scores a hole.)
Old Man McGucket	Wha? How'd I get here?
	We cut back to Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos.
Mabel	Yes!
Stan	Holy smokes! Someone in our family actually has talent!
Dipper	Grunkle Stan, you ain't seen nothing yet!
	Mabel continues scoring holes, and a song plays throughout in a musical montage.
	Stan gives Mabel a thumbs up.
Voiceover	She's so good, yeah! Look at her hit that ball! She's got lot of skills! Take that ball into that hole!
	We see a shot of a flag reading "18".
	A crowd forms around Dipper, Stan, and Soos.
Dipper	Guys, this is amazing! If Mabel gets a hole in one here, she'll beat her all-time high score!
	Cut to Mabel, who looks very determined.
Mabel (in her head)	You can do it, Mabel! Pretend the ball is Pacifica's face!
	We cut to a shot of the lake, and back to Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos.
Mabel	Eh! (She hits the golf ball with her club, and she nearly scores a hole, but misses and rolls into a puddle.)
Mabel	Aw, nuts! (throws down her club)
Dipper	(frowns)
Crowd	Aw, man! Well that didn't work! Oh yes, she's all done playing!
Stan	Ah, don't worry about it kid! The thing's random!
Soos	Yeah, besides the Bermuda triangle, how mini-golf works is our world's greatest mystery.
Stan	As far as I'm concerned, you're still better than anyone else I know in Gravity...
	Stan is about to slap a sticker on Mabel's face, but we see Pacifica scoring a hole in the exact place where Mabel missed.
All	(gasps) Woah!
	Cut to a shot of Pacifica, Preston, and Mrs. Northwest.
Pacifica	Oh, would you look at that? I didn't know it was hobos golf free day!
	We cut back to Mabel.
Mabel	Pacifica!
	Pacifica walks forward.
Pacifica	Well, if it isn't the Pines family! Fat, (points at Soos) old, (points at Stan), lame, (points at Dipper), braces! (points at Mabel)
Stan (whispering)	Soos, would it be wrong to punch a child?
Dipper	I got this! Hey, Pacifica! How's that whole "your family's a fraud" thing working out for you?
	'"We cut back to Pacifica.
Pacifica	Great, actually! That's the thing about money! It makes problems go away!
	'"We cut back to Mabel.
Mabel	Well it can't buy you skill! You walked into the game of a mini-golf champion!
	'"We cut back to Pacifica.
Pacifica	Ha! (snaps her fingers) Sergei! (Sergei walks forward.) This is Sergei, my trainer!
Sergei	The sportylmpics had mini-golf once. I took gold! (he reveals the gold medal on his chest.)
Pacifica	So if you don't mind moving out of the way of the professionals! Hmpf... (she walks over) Hmm..hmm. (she strikes a golf ball with her club, which scores a bonus hole and causes an explosion.)
	Mabel looks in awe at Pacifica, who glares at her. Pacifica gives Sergei her glove.
Pacifica	Enjoy second place. Give her a hand, folks! (walks off)
Mabel	Oh, yeah? Well, I want a rematch, you walking-one-dimensional-bleach-blonde-valley-girl-stereotype!
Crowd	(gasps)
Pacifica	(pouting) Like, let's do this!
	(The sky clouds over as they walk to stand face to face)
King of Mini-golf	Hear ye! Hear ye! Honk honk! (collides with lamp post) Ow! (rams post several times, then backs up and turns) Stop at once! The park is now closed due to weather! The King of Mini-golf has spoken! (reverses golf cart into post and tips over) Ahh! The king is down!
Pacifica	This isn't over. (looms menacingly over Mabel) You, Me, Midnight. We'll see whose best!
Mabel	I'll be here! (lightning flashes ominously and rain starts)
	(The Northwests whip out their umbrellas and walk away. Sergi runs behind them.)
Mabel	I'll be here! Puh! Puh! Hair in my mouth. Puh!
	(Cut to the Hermanos Brothers Diner. Gloomy music plays)
Mabel	(Dipper feeds her nachos. Sigh.) Time to scratch mini-golf off my talents list.
Soos	Aw, don't give up, Mabel.
Dipper	Yeah! If you beat her at this, she can never rag on you again. Imagine it!
	(Inside Mabel's mind. She and Pacifica are in a clothing store.)
Pacifica	Um, the section for ugly grandma clothes is over there.
Mabel	Oh yeah? Well the section for people who lost at mini-golf is OVER THERE!
	(She points to the exit sign. Xyler and Craz burst through the door in paramedic clothes.)
Xyler	We came as fast as we could!
Craz	We heard a little girl got seriously burned!
Both	OHHHH!
Pacifica	I'm ruined!
Xyler	Up top! (He hi-fives Mabel and they freeze-frame. Back in the diner.)
Mabel	(Stands on table.) You're right, guys. I just need to practice a little more before midnight.
Grunkle Stan	Go to the golf course after dark, you say? I don't know, we'd have to break in and - Just kidding let's break in!!
	(The dark Put Hut parking lot. The Stanleymobile breaks through the toll. Soos keeps watch while Grunkle Stan pulls nails out of the fence. He removes a panel. Mabel hands him her sticker book and she and Dipper go through the hole. )
Grunkle Stan	Oh, and hey, Mabel? (He sticks a "U DA BEST" sticker on Mabel's sweater.) Knock her dead, kid.
	(Mabel gives a thumbs-up and goes inside. At the windmill. Mabel is practicing. She hits a golf ball, it goes into the window, and comes to rest beside dozens of others, not in the hole.)
Mabel	Darn! Poop heck darn!
Dipper	Ugh, I don't get it! What is wrong with this hole? (He hears a noise from inside the windmill and backs away.) Did you hear that?
Mabel	What? What is it?
Dipper	(whispers) Grab your club.
	(The twins raise their clubs and advance towards the windmill. They nod, and Dipper pulls away the back panel. The lilliputtians are merrily moving golf balls along their Dutch-themed landscape when they notice the twins and gasp.
Lilliputtians	AAAHHH!!
Twins	AAAHHH!!
Lilliputtians	AAAHHH!!
Twins	AAAAAHHHHH!!
Lilliputtians	AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
	(The twins share a look and lower their clubs.)
Franz	We good? We good? (The twins nod. Clears throat.) All right then! Hi, hello. I'm Franz, and welcome to our home!
Dipper	What is this?
Mabel	Yeah! Are you guys tiny humans, or enormous mini-humans?
Franz	(laughs) Neither. We're lilliputtians! Lilli- lilliput... the name makes more sense written down than spoken. And we control the balls! Behold!
	(The side of the windmill opens, revealing a complex Rube Goldberg-ian convey system, with lilliputtians turning cranks, pulling levers, and pushing turnstiles. A golf ball rolls out of the windmill into the hole.
Mabel	That's incredible!
Dipper	And so needlessly complicated!
Franz	Aw shucks. It's only our life-long passion. Would you like us to elaborate through song? (The lilliputtians gather and prepare to sing.)
Dipper	Eh, we're good.
	(The lilliputtians groan in disappointment and disperse.
Franz	So what are you hugelings doing here anyway?
Mabel	We kind of have to play this golf tournament against my rival, Pacifica.
	(The lilliputtians gasp and mutter.
Franz	Oh, we know all about rivals.
Lead Pirate Lilliputtian	Put a clog in it, ya windmill-lubbers! (The pirate ship lights up. The Pirate Lilliputtians are looking over the deck.) These frilly bottom poppajays (?) are terrible at controllin' the balls! (Draws sword) We are the ball masters, says I! Argh!
Lead French Lilliputtian	Shut your mouths, you show-boating pirates! (The Eiffel Tower lights up.) Everyone knows ze Eiffel Tower hole is ze best!
French Lilliputtian	Je ne sais pa sacre bleu au revoir! (Subtitle: "I don't actually know French.")
Lead Knight Lilliputtian	Stay you comments, ye churlish Frenchmen! (He removes his helmet and shakes his hair.) None control the balls better than the knights of- (notices graffiti) Wiener Castle? Who wrote this?
Franz	We'll settle which hole is best! Attack! (Armed with golf pencils, the Dutchmen charge.)
Lead Pirate Lilliputtian	Ooh, I'm shiverin' in me timbers! Get them! (The Pirates swing off of the ship and run towards the others.)
Lead Knight Lilliputtian	Long live the mighty king!
	(The lilliputtians collide and start fighting in front of the twins.
Dutch Lilliputtian	Die, medieval scum! (They bop heads and fall over.)
	(The Head Pirate swings at a Frenchman and falls into the lake. A duck picks up a Dutchman and swallows him.
Dipper	(laughs) These guys are a riot!
Mabel	Guys, guys, calm down! (The duck flies by with the screaming lilliputtian in its mouth.) Your fighting is inadvertently adorable!
Franz	(bruised and battered) Adorable we are, hugeling, but our tale less so. Every hole in the park thinks they're superior, from the cowboys in the east to the grimy miners of the south. If only there was some way to decide which side is best, with...maybe... an award, or, like a trophy, I dunno.
French Lilliputtian	But Franz, look! (He points to Mabel's sticker.)
Franz	The sticker. The sticker could decide!
French Lilliputtian	It does say "Ze best" on it!
Lead Knight Lilliputtian	Decide for us, hugeling! Choose which mini-kingdom to give a sticker to, and end our war! (The lilliputtians cheer.)
Mabel	Uh, I don't know, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-bloodfeud.
Dipper	Pst! Mabel! This is perfect! These guys control the course! Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win!
Mabel	I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like...cheating?
Dipper	Pacifia's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life.
Mabel	Hmm...
Dipper	(Blows on a tiny trumpet) Thanks, man. (Returns it to a knight.)
Mabel	(Standing on the castle) People of the eighteen holes! We're going to have a game of mini-golf! And whoever does the best job of helping me win, gets the sticker!
Lead Pirate Lilliputtian	It'll be us, lass. Not these tulip-munchers!
Franz	I will not be insulted by a man with no depth perception wearing earrings!
Mabel	Just remember, as long as you're helping me, no fighting. (The lilliputtians look at each other and smile.
	(Cut to the parking lot. Soos and Grunkle Stan are in Stan's car.)
Soos	Dude, I'm cuttin Ws into all my shirts. Gotta give the public what they want.
Grunkle Stan	Well, those kids are taking their time. Looks like it's gonna be a while. (He turns on the radio. Soos takes off his shirt to work on the neck. Stan leans back in his seat and sighs. He closes his eyes, then looks over at Soos, who, still shirtless, has reclined next to him.)
Soos	Sure are a lot of stars out tonight...
Grunkle Stan	(sits up) Well, this is gettin' weird. (He leaves. The Northwest car pulls up.)
Preston Northwest	But now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything.
Mrs. Northwest	Oh, oh, and also looks. Winning and looks. (Looks at self in mirror.)
Pacifica	Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours, okay? I've got this. You'll stay and watch, right?
Preston Northwest	Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper.
Pacifica	(Gets out of car) Sergei! (Sergei climbs out of the trunk and gets the luggage.)
Preston Northwest	Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. (He slams the door and the car drives away.)
Pacifica	(Entering the park) How much you wanna bet they're no-shows?
	(A succession of lights flashes on, revealing Mabel and Dipper.)
Mabel	Looking for someone?
Pacifica	Waiting in the dark, not creepy at all. Seriously though, I don't know why you bothered to come. Unless you've got something up your sleeve.
Mabel	Oh, I guess you could say we've got a little something, right, right? (A lilliputtian pops out of her sleeve. She shoves it back in, and she and Dipper laugh nervously.)
Sergei	Eighteen holes. Standard rules. Winner lives in glory, loser wallows in eternal shame. On your mark, get set, mini-golf!
	(At the cowboy hole. Pacifica putts; the lilliputtians block her ball with a covered wagon. Mabel putts, and the cowboys raise the grass to move her ball towards the hole. A cowboy shoots the ball, and it goes in. Mabel gives a thumbs-up, and the cowboys return the gesture before turning to mock the pirates.)
	(At the pirate hole. Mabel putts, and the pirates shoot her ball out of a cannon into the hole.)
Pacifica	Out of my way! (She putts. Her ball shoots out the front and lands in her mouth.) Are you serious?!
	(The pirates cheer, open a can of root beer, and raise their flag.)
	(At the miner hole. Mabel putts, and the ball goes down into the mine.)
Dipper	Ha, ha! Miner hole. I wonder what cute, silly things are going on down there.
	(The ball rolls down a chute and two miners prepare to cart it into the mine.)
Prospector Lilliputtian	Stop! You can't go in there! There's been a gas leak! Anyone who goes in there will DIE!!
	(The miners look scared , then part as Big Henry approaches.)
Big Henry	I'll take it.
Polly	Noooo! (She runs up to Big Henry.) Don't go, Big Henry! We need you!
Big Henry	Go home, Polly.
	(He pushes the cart into the mine, leaving the others staring after him. Sweating and breathing heavily, he trudges on through the seeping gas. Cut to the outside, where Mabel and Pacifica are waiting silently for the ball to reemerge. Pacifica checks her watch. Back in the mine. Big Henry slaps himself.)
Big Henry	Come on, Big Henry. You can do this.
	(He finally reaches the end of the track and, struggling, pushes the button to send up the ball. He collapses beside the track, gasping, and pulls out a picture of him and Polly. His eyes fill with tears, he smiles, and with a groan he stops moving.)
	(The ball rolls out of the mine and into the hole.)
Pacifica	What?! (She throws her club, which Sergei catches.) Sergei! Soda! Now!
Mabel	(lifts the lid of the mine hole.) Okay, guys? That was bedonkulous!
Dipper	Hey, little hi-fives everyone, little hi-fives all around. (He hi-fives the miners with his finger.) Nice one... You did it... You're the man.
Mabel	I don't wanna call it out early, but I think the miners might have one of these in their future! (points to sticker. The miners cheer.)
Franz	(looking at them through a telescope from the windmill.) Are you kidding me?! After everything we've worked for?
Dutch Lilliputtian	Calm yourself, Franz. There may be another way to win the hugeling's favor. Knock on wood. (They knock on their clogs.)
	(Cut to Pacifica and Sergei. Sergei gets a Pitt cola from the vending machine.)
Pacifica	There's something going on, Sergei. I can feel it.
Sergei	Maybe they have little people who control where the balls go.
Pacifica	Hoo, we gotta get you English lessons. I mean, think about it. I'm globally ranked. It's ridiculous that she's beating me. (A tiny figure darts behind a bush. Pacifica drinks the soda and spits out the pit.) Ugh, Pitt cola? I always forget about the pit. Get me a different one, Sergei. (A tiny hand taps her shoulder. She is grabbed and dragged into the bush. Sergei turns around.)
Sergei	This is bad.
	(Cut to Dipper and Mabel, tallying the scores.)
Dipper	I can't wait to see the look on Pacifica's face when we win. I'm thinking it'll be like "ugh." (makes face.) You know how she does that? "Ugh."
Mabel	Dipper, is it bad that I feel good about her feeling bad?
Dipper	Ah, just enjoy your victory, Mabel. Trust me, Pacifica will be fine.
Pacifica	AAAH! (She is tied in front of the windmill by the Dutch lilliputtians.) What's going on here? Let me go!
Dipper and Mabel	AAAH! (The lilliputtian peeps out of Mabel's sleeve.)
Lilliputtian	AAAH! What'd I miss?
Pacifica	Let me go, you creeps!
Franz	Welcome twins, welcome! I can tell you're loving this, right, right? No?
Mabel	What are you guys doing?
Dipper	This wasn't part of the deal, tiny Dutchman!
Franz	Okay, so we saw you were favoring the miners, and we figured, what's better than beating Pacifica? (blows raspberry) Killing her, right?
Pacifica	As if! I'm calling my parents. Where's my phone?
	(The lilliputtians have taken it and are sending the message "U R DUMM!" to Tiffany.)
Lilliputtian	Hehe, send.
Pacifica	Hey, hey!
Franz	So how about it, hugeling? Who's da best now?
Lead Pirate Lilliputtian	Not so fast land lubbers! (The pirates reveal that they have captured Sergei.) If you're going to play dirty, so are we. Now give us the sticker, or he walks the plank!
French Lilliputtian	No! Give us ze sticker!
Miner Lilliputtians	The miners! Give it to the miners!
	(The lilliputtians all clamor, pressuring Mabel, until she screams-)
Mabel	ENOUGH! (The lilliputtians look at her. One peeks out of the duck's beak.)
Mabel	No one gets the sticker!
French Lilliputtian	Sacre booo! (All boo.)
Mabel	No, no. Nuh-uh. No booing- stop, no! No one gets the sticker cuz you're all being jerks! I mean, why can't you all just get along?
Dutch Lilliputtian	Because we hate each other.
Lead Pirate Lilliputtian	That's kind of how rivalries work, lass.
Mabel	Well then, maybe... maybe rivalries are dumb. Maybe you don't settle them with petty competitions. Maybe the only way to be "da best" is by ending the fighting and working together! (She rips off the sticker and eats it angrily. The lilliputtians gasp and converse.)
Dutch Lilliputtian	It's all so clear.
Franz	If we work together...
Lead Pirate Lilliputtian	Then we can cut open her belly and get the sticker! (All cheer and rush forward.)
French Lilliputtian	Get ze girl! Slice her open!
Mabel	Uh, you guys aren't appreciating the lesson here! (A lever is pulled near Pacifica, and she starts being pulled toward the whirring blades of the windmill. She screams.)
Dipper	We gotta get out of here!
Mabel	I have to save Pacifica first! (She climbs a lamp post, followed by the swarm of lilliputtians. She swings along a chain of lights and lands by the windmill, evading the golf pencil spears thrown by the crowd.)
Sergei	(About to fall off the plank.) Ah, Mister Dipper! Niet, niet!
Dipper	Don't freak out, man! The water's shallow! There's literally no way to drown!
	(Sergei falls in face first. Bubbles pop at the surface.)
Dipper	Seriously?
Pacifica	(As Mabel unties her.) Ugh, took you long enough, And watch the earrings. They're worth more than your house.
Mabel	You know, on second thought, maybe I won't untie you.
Pacifica	Untie me! Untie me!
Mabel	That's what I thought. (She pulls Pacifica free and grabs a golf club.)
Lead Pirate Lilliputtian	We have you at miniature pencil point! There's no way around us!
Mabel	You ready to putt?
Pacifica	Way ahead of you. (She grabs her club and they start swinging at the lilliputtians.) Ypu know, you're actually not that terrible. A little rusty, but-
Mabel	Just shut up and putt!
	(The lilliputtians are hit out of the way. Dipper and Sergei show up driving a golf cart.
Dipper	Get on, get on!
Mabel	Gun it! (They drive away.)
Lead Pirate Lilliputtian	Don't let them escape!
	(The golf cart heads for the exit. The knights cut a string, releasing a pair of swinging axes in front of the gate. Dipper hits the gas and the zoom through. They go around a loop-de-loop and Sergei falls off.)
Sergei	Sergei overboard!
Pacifica	I'll get a new one.
Dipper	They're shutting us in! (Lilliputtians poke holes through the cart. Mabel climbs on the roof.)
Franz	Don't even think about it. You call yourself a golfer? Without us, that club is useless in your hands!
Mabel	Oh yeah? What's ten minus six?
Franz	Ten minu- what- hang on...
Mabel	Four! (She hits Franz into the bonus hole. It glows and shoots up a column of lava, which the golf cart rides on. They skid through the gates and stop in the parking lot, where the cart falls apart. Pencils and an ax poke through the gate.)
Franz	Stay out, you dumb hugeling! (Non-sentient golf balls are tossed over the wall.)
Pacifica	What did you say, you little trolls? I will sue you! I will sue you and I will own you! (to the twins You two! I don't know what you did or what's going on, but if you think just because you saved my life I- (Mabel hands her a sticker that says "I a-paw-logize".)
Mabel	I'm sorry, Pacifica. We shouldn't have cheated. You totally would have beat me, fair and square.
Pacifica	(Frowns and sticks on the sticker.) You're just lucky this sticker looks fantastic on me.
	(Grunkle Stan and Soos pull up. Dipper and Mabel get in. Looking at Pacifica standing alone in the parking lot, Dipper shakes his head.)
Mabel	Hey! Your parents aren't here. Want a ride home?
Pacifica	Ugh, please. As if I'd ride in your- (Lightning flashes and thunder crashes.)
	(Cut to inside the car. Pacifica is squished between Dipper and Mabel in the backseat. Grunkle Stan and Soossing little songs. Pacifica's glove rests on a sticky smudge.)
Mabel	Hey, I found two tacos! (She eats one.)
Pacifica	You're allowed to eat in the car?
Mabel	Yeah! The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! Want one?
Pacifica	Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts.
Mabel	Handouts? It's called sharing! You do know what sharing is, right?
Pacifica	Sha-shaaring?
Mabel	Just take it.
	(They pull up to Pacifica's house. She gets out.)
Pacifica	Thanks for the ride, or whatever. Oh, and Mabel? Um, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I had fun. And tell your servant I like his W-neck!
Soos	Yes! (The flap falls down.)
Dipper	So are you guys, like, cool now?
Mabel	I think we made some progress. The important thing to remember is that at the end of the day, she's just an ordinary kid like us. (The gates swing open to reveal the Northwest mansion, complete with fountains and peacocks. Fireworks go off.)
Dipper	Should have charged her for that taco.
Mabel	Agreed!
Soos	Hey, got any more of those surprise tacos? (They all laugh. Franz is hiding on the rear licence plate.)
Franz	Laugh now, hugelings, but Franz will have his day. Franz will- (He falls off and lands upside-down on the side of the road.) Ah, help! Sandtrap, ow, ow!
	(Cut to credits.)
Lilliputtians	(Singing) "We control the balls! We control the balls! From Birmingham to Montreal, we control the balls!"" (A miner steps forward.)
Miner	Hey guys, I figured it out! We control the balls!
Pirate	Now he gets it!
Miner	Oh, you guys! (They all laugh, and form a kick line.)
Lilliputtians	(Singing) "Our lives are filled with nonstop fun! Well there's nothing like a hole in one! (They strike a final pose.)
Sergei	(Claps.) Can I go now?
Miner	NEVER!
Code	NLMXQWWN IIZ LZFNF (REMEMBER BIG HENRY decoded from Vigenere. The key is WHATEVS.)