Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "The Golf War." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Into the Bunker" Next: "Sock Opera"
Opens to a shot of the Mystery Shack. Dipper Pines and Waddles are sitting on the couch watching television and eating cereal.
Stan Pines (Enters with a pan with a pancake) Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they probably have some of my hair in 'em.
Dipper Pines Pass.
Mabel Pines (Bursts through the door giddily with a newspaper in hand) It's here! (Runs around and screams) Aaah! Oh, it's here! It's here, it's here! I've been waiting all morning and it's finally here! The Gravity Falls Gossiper accepted my article about summer fashion tips for squirrels. My picture is gonna be in the newspaper! Check it! (Shows everyone a view of the newspaper)
Stan "Pacifica Northwest declares v-neck the look of the season!" What am I looking at here?
Mabel Woah, woah, WHAT?! (Looks at the newspaper)
The newspaper reads "GREATEST THING OF THE SUMMER!", and shows a portrait of Pacifica Northwest, with the caption "PACIFICA NORTHWEST."
Dipper (Looking at the newspaper) Looks like someone bought their way to the front page.
Stan (Looking at the newspaper) Is it legal for a child to wear that much make-up?
Mabel Ugh, Pacifica! She always ruins everything!
Dipper Aw, cheer up Mabel! I mean, no one even reads newspapers anymore.
Soos Ramirez (Walks in) Dudes! V-neck season is upon us! Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashion curve? I'm taking it one step further. (Holds up a pair of scissors and a marker) With a w-neck. (Draws a construction line for a "w" and cuts along the lines) Must... follow... newspaper...
Mabel (Glumly runs over to the nearby table and furiously pours herself a glass of orange juice, which she gulps down) Aack! I need something to get my mind off this.
Cut to television.
Commercial Announcer (On TV:) Looking for a distraction from your horrible life?
Mabel Why yes!
Commercial Announcer Victory, honor, destiny, mutton! These old-timey sounding words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt! *No mutton available at the snack shop*
Dipper Hey, Mabel! You love mini-golf! (Pulls out a scrapbook with a picture of Mabel winning a trophy at a minor league gold competition with the caption "AGE 9") She's been amazing at it since we were kids! What do you say, Mabel? We've had a stressful couple of days. How 'bout we take a break, huh?
Stan Would kicking all our butts at mini-golf cheer you up?
Mabel Maybe a little.
Dipper Come on, Mabel! Victory!
Mabel Honor!
Stan Destiny!
Soos Mutton! (W-neck flaps down.)
Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos (As they leave the Shack; chanting:) Victory, honor, destiny, mutton! Victory, honor, destiny, mutton!
Soos And the pig can look after the house!
The door shuts; Waddles is on the couch.
Waddles (Oinks)
Cut to theme song. Cut to a shot of Ye Royal Discount Putt Hutt. Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos walk in.
Soos Woohoo!
Mabel Woah!
Dipper Wow!
Stan Woah!
Cut to a view of the course.
Mabel Ahh, mini-golf! The sport of mini champions!
Dipper The grass is fake, but the fun is real! There's something here for everyone!
Robbie Valentino (spray painting the word "Weiners" on a wall; laughs)
Mattress King Hey, you! Stop!
Robbie (Runs away screaming.)
Mattress King Come back here! (Powers on his golf cart and attempts to chase Robbie) Hey, those are lewd hand gestures!
Cut to Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos at a hole.
Dipper (Preparing to hit a ball) Focus! Focus!.. And, eh... (Swings his club and misses the golf ball, which rolls into the nearby pond)
Mabel Don't worry, bro! You're still, (Slaps a dinosaur sticker on his cheek) Eh! "Ext-roar-dinary"!
Dipper I'll take what I can get.
Mabel (Standing in front of a golf ball) Do the hip wiggle, and eh! (Hits the ball with her club, which touches Old Man McGucket's nose and goes into the hole)
Old Man McGucket Wha? How'd I get here?
Mabel Yes!
Stan Holy smokes! Someone in our family actually has talent!
Dipper Grunkle Stan, you ain't seen nothing yet!
Cut to scenes of Mabel hitting her ball into various holes, and a song plays throughout in a musical montage. Stan gives Mabel a thumbs up.
Voice over (Singing:) She's so good, yeah! Look at her hit that ball! She's got lot of skills! Take that ball into that hole!
Cut to a flag reading "18". A crowd forms around Dipper, Stan, and Soos.
Dipper Guys, this is amazing! If Mabel gets a hole in one here, she'll beat her all-time high score!
Mabel (Thinking:) You can do it, Mabel! Pretend the ball is Pacifica's face! (Out loud:) Eh! (Hits the golf ball with her club, and she nearly scores a hole, but misses and rolls into a puddle)
Mabel Aw, nuts! (Throws down her club)
Crowd (Leaves) Aw, man! Well that didn't work! Oh yes, she's all done playing!
Stan Ah, don't worry about it kid! The thing's random!
Soos Yeah, besides the Bermuda triangle, how mini-golf works is our world's greatest mystery.
Stan As far as I'm concerned, you're still better than anyone else in Gravity...
Pacifica (Gets a hole in one on the eighteenth hole)
Dipper, Mabel, Soos and Stan (Gasp) Woah!
Pacifica Northwest Oh, would you look at that? I didn't know it was "hobos golf-free" day!
Mabel Pacifica!
Pacifica Well, if it isn't the Pines family! (Pointing at Soos) Fat, (pointing at Stan) old, (pointing at Dipper) lame, (pointing at Mabel) braces!
Stan Soos, would it be wrong to punch a child?
Dipper (To the others:) I got this! (To Pacifica:) Hey, Pacifica! How's that whole "your family being a frauds" thing working out for you?
Pacifica Great, actually! That's the thing about money! It makes problems go away!
Mabel Well it can't buy you skill! You walked into the game of a mini-golf champion!
Pacifica Ha! (Snaps her fingers) Sergei! (Sergei walks forward) This is Sergei, my trainer!
Sergei The Sportylmpics had mini-golf once. I took gold! (Shows the gold medal on his chest)
Pacifica So if you don't mind moving out of the way of the professionals! Hmpf... (Walks over to a "bonus hole") Hmm... hmm... (Strikes a golf ball with her club, which scores a bonus hole and causes an explosion) Enjoy second place. Give her a hand, folks! (Starts to leave)
Crowd (Gasps)
Pacifica (Pouts) Like, let's do this!
The sky clouds over as they stand face to face.
Mattress King Hear ye! Hear ye! Honk honk! (Drives into a lamp post) Ow! (Rams post several times, then backs up and turns) Stop at once! The park is now closed due to weather! The King of Mini-golf has spoken! (Backs into post and falls over) Ahh! The king is down!
Pacifica This isn't over. You, me, midnight. We'll see who's best!
Mabel I'll be here!
Lightning flashes and rain starts. The Northwests whip out their umbrellas and walk away. Sergei runs behind them.
Mabel I'll be here! (While spitting out her hair that got into her mouth:) Puh! Puh! Hair in my mouth. Puh!
Cut to the Hermanos Brothers Diner. Gloomy music plays.
Mabel Ah! (Opens her mouth)
Dipper (Feeds her a chip)
Mabel Ah!
Dipper (Feeds her a chip)
Mabel (Sighs) Time to scratch mini-golf off my talents list.
Soos Aw, don't give up, Mabel.
Dipper Yeah! If you beat her at this, she can never rag on you again. Imagine it!
Mabel (Imagines her and Pacifica in a clothing store)
Pacifica Um, the section for ugly grandma clothes is over there.
Mabel Oh yeah? Well the section for people who lost at mini-golf is OVER THERE!!! (Points to the exit sign; Xyler and Craz burst through the door in paramedic clothes.)
Xyler We came as fast as we could!
Craz We heard a little girl got seriously burned!
Xyler and Craz OHHHH!
Pacifica I'm ruined!
Xyler Up top! (High-fives Mabel and they freeze-frame. Cut back to the diner.)
Mabel (Stands on table) You're right, guys. I just need to practice a little more before midnight.
Stan Go to the golf course after dark, you say? I don't know, we'd have to break in and-- Just kidding let's break in!!
Cut to Stan's car driving through the golf course's toll. Soos keeps watch while Stan pulls nails out of the fence. He removes a panel. Mabel hands him her sticker book and she and Dipper go through the hole.
Stan Oh, and hey, Mabel? (Sticks a "U DA BEST" sticker on Mabel's sweater) Knock her dead, kid.
Mabel (Gives a thumbs-up and goes inside. At the windmill, she is practicing, hitting a golf ball, which goes into the window, and comes to rest beside dozens of others, not in the hole.) Darn! Poop heck darn!
Dipper Ugh, I don't get it! What is wrong with this hole? (Hears clanking inside the mill, backs away and gasps) Did you hear that?
Mabel What? What is it?
Dipper (Whispering:) Grab your club.
The twins raise their clubs and advance towards the windmill. They nod, and Dipper pulls away the back panel. The Lilliputtians are merrily moving golf balls along their Dutch-themed landscape when they notice the twins and gasp.
Lilliputtians (Scream)
Dipper and Mabel (Scream)
Lilliputtians (Scream)
Dipper and Mabel (Scream)
Lilliputtians (Scream)
Dipper and Mabel (Share a look and lower their clubs)
Franz We good? We good? All right then! Hi, hello. I'm Franz, and welcome to our home!
Dipper What is this?
Mabel Yeah! Are you guys tiny humans, or enormous mini-humans?
Franz (laughs) Neither. We're Lilliputtians! Lilli- Lilliputt... the name makes more sense written down than spoken. And we control the balls! Behold!
The side of the windmill opens, revealing a complex Rube Goldberg-ian convey system, with Lilliputtians turning cranks, pulling levers, and pushing turnstiles. A golf ball rolls out of the windmill into the hole.
Mabel That's incredible!
Dipper And so needlessly complicated!
Franz Aw shucks. It's only our life-long passion. Would you like us to elaborate through song?
The Lilliputtians gather and prepare to sing.
Dipper Eh, we're good.
The Lilliputtians groan in disappointment and disperse.
Franz So what are you hugelings doing here anyway?
Mabel We kind of have to play this golf tournament against my rival, Pacifica.
The Lilliputtians gasp and mutter.
Franz Oh, we know all about rivals.
Lilliputtian pirate captain Put a clog in it, ya windmill-lubbers! (The pirate ship lights up. The Pirate Lilliputtians are looking over the deck.) These frilly bottom popinjays are terrible at controllin' the balls! (Draws sword) We are the ball masters, says I! Argh!
Pirate Lilliputtians Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!
Lead French Lilliputtian Shut your mouths, you show-boating pirates! (The Eiffel Tower lights up) Everyone knows ze Eiffel Tower hole is ze best!
French Lilliputtian Je ne sais quoi. Sacrebleu. Au revoir! (Subtitled:) I don't actually know French.
Lilliputtian head knight Stay you comments, ye churlish Frenchmen! (Removes his helmet and shakes his hair) None control the balls better than the knights of— (Notices graffiti) Wiener Castle? Who wrote this?
Franz We'll settle which hole is best! Attack! (Armed with golf pencils, the Dutchmen charge.)
Lilliputtian pirate captain (Sarcastically:) Ooh, I'm shiverin' in me timbers! Get them! (The Pirates swing off of the ship and run towards the others.)
Lilliputtian head knight Long live the mini king!
The Lilliputtians collide and start fighting in front of the twins.
Dutch Lilliputtian (To a knight lilliputtian:) Die, medieval scum! (Jumps at the knight and they collide and fall backwards) Ow!
The Head Pirate swings at a Frenchman and falls into the lake. A duck picks up a Dutchman and swallows him.
Dipper (Laughs) These guys are a riot!
Mabel (Laughing) Guys, guys, calm down! Your fighting is inadvertently adorable!
Franz (Bruised and battered) Adorable we are, hugeling, but our tale less so. Every hole in the park thinks they're superior, from the cowboys in the east to the grimy miners of the south. If only there was some way to decide which side is best, with... maybe... an award, or, like a trophy, I dunno.
French Lilliputtian But Franz, look! (Points to Mabel's sticker)
Franz The sticker. The sticker could decide!
French Lilliputtian It does say "Ze best" on it!
Lilliputtian head knight Decide for us, hugeling! Choose which mini-kingdom to give a sticker to, and end our war!
The Lilliputtians cheer.
Mabel Uh, I don't know, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud.
Dipper Pst! Mabel! This is perfect! These guys control the course! Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win!
Mabel I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating?
Dipper Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life.
Mabel Hmm...
Dipper (Blows on a tiny trumpet) Thanks, man. (Returns it to a knight)
Mabel (Standing on the castle) People of the eighteen holes! We're going to have a game of mini-golf! And whoever does the best job helping me win, gets the sticker!
Lilliputtian pirate captain It'll be us, lass. Not these tulip-munchers!
Franz I will not be insulted by a man with no depth perception wearing earrings!
Mabel Just remember, as long as you're helping me, no fighting.
The Lilliputtians look at each other and smile. Cut to the parking lot. Soos and Stan are in the car.
Soos Dude, I'm cuttin' Ws into all my shirts. Gotta give the public what they want.
Stan Well, those kids are taking their time. Looks like it's gonna be a while. (Turns on the radio. Soos takes off his shirt to work on the neck. Stan leans back in his seat and sighs. He closes his eyes, then looks over at Soos, who, still shirtless, has reclined next to him.)
Soos Sure are a lot of stars out tonight...
Stan (Sits up.) Well, this is gettin' weird. (Leaves.)
Preston Northwest (The Northwest car pulls up.) But now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything.
Priscilla Northwest Oh, oh, and also looks. Winning and looks. (Looks at self in mirror.)
Pacifica Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours, okay? I've got this. You'll stay and watch, right?
Preston Northwest Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper.
Pacifica (Gets out of car.) Sergei! (Sergei climbs out of the trunk and gets the luggage.)
Preston Northwest Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. (Slams the door and the car drives away.)
Pacifica (Entering the park:) How much you wanna bet they're no-shows?
A succession of lights flashes on, revealing Mabel and Dipper.
Mabel Looking for someone?
Pacifica Waiting in the dark, not creepy at all. Seriously though, I don't know why you bothered to come. Unless you've got something up your sleeve.
Mabel Oh, I guess you could say we've got a little something, right, right? (A Lilliputtian pops out of her sleeve. She shoves it back in, and she and Dipper laugh nervously.)
Sergei Eighteen holes. Standard rules. Winner lives in glory, loser wallows in eternal shame. On your mark, get set, mini-golf!
At the cowboy hole. Pacifica putts; the Lilliputtians block her ball with a covered wagon. Mabel putts, and the cowboys raise the grass to move her ball towards the hole. A cowboy shoots the ball, and it goes in. Mabel gives a thumbs-up, and the cowboys return the gesture before turning to mock the pirates. At the pirate hole. Mabel putts, and the pirates shoot her ball out of a cannon into the hole.
Pacifica Out of my way! (Putts. Her ball shoots out the front and lands in her mouth.) Are you serious?!
The pirates cheer, open a can of root beer, and raise their flag. At the miner hole. Mabel putts, and the ball goes down into the mine.
Dipper Ha, ha! Miner hole. I wonder what cute, silly things are going on down there.
The ball rolls down a chute and two miners prepare to cart it into the mine.
Prospector Lilliputtian Stop! You can't go in there! There's been a gas leak! Anyone who goes in there will DIE!!
The miners look scared, then part as Big Henry approaches.
Big Henry I'll take it.
Polly Noooo! (Runs up to Big Henry.) Don't go, Big Henry! We need you!
Big Henry Go home, Polly.
Big Henry pushes the cart into the mine, leaving the others staring after him. Sweating and breathing heavily, he trudges on through the seeping gas. Cut to the outside, where Mabel and Pacifica are waiting silently for the ball to reemerge. Pacifica checks her watch. Back in the mine. Big Henry slaps himself.
Big Henry Come on, Big Henry. You can do this. (Reaches the end of the track and, struggling, pushes the button to send up the ball. He collapses beside the track, gasping, and pulls out a picture of him and Polly. His eyes fill with tears, smiles, and with a groan of satisfaction he dies peacefully.)
The ball rolls out of the mine and into the hole.
Pacifica What?! (Throws her club, which Sergei catches.) Sergei! Soda! Now!
Mabel (Lifts the lid of the mine hole.) Okay, guys? That was bedonkulous!
Dipper Hey, little hi-fives everyone, little hi-fives all around. (High-fives the miners with his finger) Nice one... You did it... You're the man.
Mabel I don't wanna call it out early, but I think the miners might have one of these in their future! (points to sticker. The miners cheer.)
Franz (Looking at them through a telescope from the windmill) Are you kidding me?! After everything we've worked for?
Dutch Lilliputtian Calm yourself, Franz. There may be another way to win the hugeling's favor. Knock on wood. (They knock on their clogs.)
Cut to Pacifica and Sergei. Sergei gets a Pitt cola from the vending machine.
Pacifica There's something going on, Sergei. I can feel it.
Sergei Maybe they have little people who control where the balls go.
Pacifica Hoo, we gotta get you English lessons. I mean, think about it. I'm globally ranked. It's ridiculous that she's beating me. (A tiny figure darts behind a bush. Pacifica drinks the soda and spits out the pit) Ugh, Pitt Cola! I always forget about the pit. Get me a different one, Sergei. (A tiny hand taps her shoulder. She is grabbed and dragged into the bush.)
Sergei This is bad.
Cut to Dipper and Mabel, tallying the scores.
Dipper I can't wait to see the look on Pacifica's face when we win. I'm thinking it'll be like "ugh." (Makes face.) You know how she does that? "Ugh."
Mabel Dipper, is it bad that I feel good about her feeling bad?
Dipper Ah, just enjoy your victory, Mabel. Trust me, Pacifica will be fine.
Pacifica (Screams.) (She is tied in front of the windmill by the Dutch Lilliputtians.) What's going on here? Let me go!
Dipper and Mabel (Screams. The Lilliputtian peeps out of Mabel's sleeve.)
Lilliputtian (Screams.) What'd I miss?
Pacifica Let me go, you creeps!
Franz Welcome twins, welcome! I can tell you're loving this, right, right? No?
Mabel What are you guys doing?
Dipper This wasn't part of the deal, tiny Dutchman!
Franz Okay, so we saw you were favoring the miners, and we figured, what's better than beating Pacifica? (blows raspberry) Killing her, right?
Pacifica As if! I'm calling my parents. Where's my phone?
The Lilliputtians have taken it and are sending the message "U R DUMM!" to someone named Tiffany.
Lilliputtian Hehe, send.
Pacifica Hey, hey!
Franz So how about it, hugeling? Who's da best now?
Lilliputtian pirate captain Not so fast land lubbers! (The pirates reveal that they have captured Sergei.) If you're going to play dirty, so are we. Now give us the sticker, or he walks the plank!
French Lilliputtian No! Give us ze sticker!
Miner Lilliputtians The miners! Give it to the miners!
The Lilliputtians all clamor, pressuring Mabel, until she screams-
Mabel ENOUGH! (The Lilliputtians look at her. One peeks out of the duck's beak.)
Mabel You know what? No one gets the sticker!
French Lilliputtian Sacre booo!
Lilliputtians (Boo.)
Mabel No, no. Nuh-uh. No booing- stop, no! No one gets the sticker cuz you're all being jerks! I mean, why can't you all just get along?
Dutch Lilliputtian Because we hate each other.
Lilliputtian pirate captain That's kind of how rivalries work, lass.
Mabel Well then, maybe... maybe rivalries are dumb. Maybe you don't settle them with petty competitions. Maybe the only way to be "da best" is by ending the fighting and working together! (Rips off the sticker and eats it angrily. The Lilliputtians gasp and converse.)
Dutch Lilliputtian It's all so clear.
Franz If we work together...
Lilliputtian pirate captain Then we can cut open her belly and get the sticker! (All cheer and rush forward.)
French Lilliputtian Get ze girl! Slice her open!
Mabel Uh, you guys aren't appreciating the lesson here!
A lever is pulled near Pacifica, and she starts being pulled toward the whirring blades of the windmill. She screams.
Dipper We gotta get out of here!
Mabel I have to save Pacifica first! (Climbs a lamp post, followed by the swarm of Lilliputtians. She swings along a chain of lights and lands by the windmill, evading the golf pencil spears thrown by the crowd.)
Sergei (About to fall off the plank:) Ah, Mister Dipper! Нет, нет! (pronounced as "Niet, niet!"; Russian for "No, no!")
Dipper Don't freak out, man! The water's shallow! There's literally no way to drown!
Sergei (Falls in face first.)
Dipper Seriously?
Pacifica (As Mabel unties her:) Ugh, took you long enough, And watch the earrings. They're worth more than your house.
Mabel You know, on second thought, maybe I won't untie you.
Pacifica Untie me! Untie me!
Mabel That's what I thought. (Pulls Pacifica free and grabs a golf club.)
Lilliputtian pirate captain We have you at miniature pencil point! There's no way around us!
Mabel You ready to putt?
Pacifica Way ahead of you. (Grabs her club and they start swinging at the Lilliputtians.) You know, you're actually not that terrible. A little rusty, but-
Mabel Just shut up and putt!
The Lilliputtians are hit out of the way. Dipper and Sergei show up driving a golf cart.
Dipper Get on, get on!
Mabel Gun it! (They drive away.)
Lilliputtian pirate captain Don't let them escape!
The golf cart heads for the exit. The knights cut a string, releasing a pair of swinging axes in front of the gate. Dipper hits the gas and they zoom through. They go around a loop-de-loop and Sergei falls off.
Sergei Sergei overboard!
Pacifica I'll get a new one.
Dipper They're shutting us in! (Lilliputtians poke holes through the cart. Mabel climbs on the roof.)
Franz Don't even think about it. You call yourself a golfer? Without us, that club is useless in your hands!
Mabel Oh yeah? What's ten minus six?
Franz Ten minu- what- hang on...
Mabel Four! (Hits Franz into the bonus hole. It glows and shoots up a column of lava, which the golf cart rides on. They skid through the gates and stop in the parking lot, where the cart falls apart. Pencils and an ax poke through the gate.)
Franz Stay out, you dumb hugelings! (Golf balls are tossed over the wall.)
Pacifica What did you say, you little trolls? I will sue you! I will sue you and I will own you! (to the twins:) You two! I don't know what you did or what's going on, but if you think just because you saved my life I—
Mabel (Hands her a sticker that says "I a-paw-logize") I'm sorry, Pacifica. We shouldn't have cheated. You totally would have beat me, fair and square.
Pacifica (Frowns and sticks on the sticker) You're just lucky this sticker looks fantastic on me.
Stan and Soos pull up. Dipper and Mabel get in. Looking at Pacifica standing alone in the parking lot, Dipper shakes his head.
Mabel Hey! Your parents aren't here. Want a ride home?
Pacifica Ugh, please. As if I'd ride in your—
Lightning flashes and thunder is heard. Cut to inside the car. Pacifica is squished between Dipper and Mabel in the backseat. Stan and Soos are singing the "driving song". Pacifica's glove rests on a sticky smudge.
Mabel Hey, I found two tacos! (Eats one)
Pacifica You're allowed to eat in the car?
Mabel Yeah! The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! Want one?
Pacifica Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts.
Mabel Handouts? It's called sharing! You do know what sharing is, right?
Pacifica Sha-shaawing?
Mabel Just take it.
They pull up to Pacifica's house. She gets out.
Pacifica Thanks for the ride, or whatever. Oh, and Mabel? Um, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I had fun. And tell your servant I like his W-neck!
Soos Yes! (The flap falls down.)
Dipper So are you guys, like, cool now?
Mabel I think we made some progress. The important thing to remember is that at the end of the day, she's just an ordinary kid like us. (The gates swing open to reveal the Northwest mansion, complete with fountains and peacocks. Fireworks go off.)
Dipper Should have charged her for that taco.
Mabel Agreed!
Soos Hey, got any more of those surprise tacos? (They all laugh. Franz is hiding on the rear license plate)
Franz Laugh now, hugelings, but Franz will have his day. Franz will— (Falls off and lands upside-down on the side of the road) Ah, help! Sand trap, ow, ow!
Cut to credits.
Lilliputtians (Singing:) "We control the balls! We control the balls! From Birmingham to Montreal, we control the balls!"
Miner Lilliputtian Hey guys, I figured it out! We control the balls!
Pirate Lilliputtian Now he gets it!
Miner Lilliputtian Oh, you guys!
Lilliputtians (Laugh, then form a kick-line, singing:) "Our lives are filled with nonstop fun! Well there's nothing like a hole in one! (Strike a final pose)
Sergei (Claps.) Can I go now?
Miner Lilliputtian NEVER!
Credits NLMXQWWN IIZ LZFNF (REMEMBER BIG HENRY decoded from Vigenère. The key is WHATEVS.)

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