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Transcript.PNG This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Stan's Brother." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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NOTE: Old Man McGucket is the only one actually present at all times. All other speakers speak only on the TV, and are part of clips from previous episodes. When another character is talking or appears, assume that the focus has cut from McGucket to the screen, and when McGucket is talking, unless specified otherwise, assume that the focus is back on him.

Open with the bulletin board. McGucket comes up with a whistling sound effect, a hand on his beard.
McGucket I'll tell ya, there's something right duplicitous about that Stan.
Stan Pines Oooooh!
McGucket (Briefly cut back to two McGuckets, one upside down, and then cut to a clip of someone who might be Stan opening the door to the Mystery Shack and looking side-to-side) I know I used to see a guy what looked just like him 'round here. (Frame of a young Stan in a wrestling match. Sitting on the bleachers is a child whose face is hidden behind a book. He is circled in white and there are flashing, yellow arrows pointing to him) Reading books. (Clip of Stan working on the universe portal) Being all sciency and whatnot. (Cut to McGucket) Practically looked like Stan’s twin brother. (Cut to Stan lifting his arms up in victory)
Dipper Pines (In a different clip:) Who is that?
Mabel Pines Is this the part where one of us faints? (Soos faints)
McGucket (Laughs; shows a clip of him in his machine and then back to McGucket) You know, I gotta twin brother too. Real pesky feller. (Showing clip of McGucket having his "hourly turf war with the hillbilly [that] lives in [his] mirror," then cutting between McGucket and clips of him on the screen) Stares at me in the washtub. Well jokes on him – I haven’t taken a bath in weeks! (Laughs; close up) I smell real bad!