Soos and the Real Girl/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Soos and the Real Girl." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Sock Opera"

Next: "Little Gift Shop of Horrors"

	Opens to a shot of the sign for the Mystery Shack's gift shop.
Mabel Pines	La, la, la, la, la! (She accidentally bumps into the screendoor, getting her braces caught in it; screams) Braces! Braces caught in the screen door! Someone dictate my will, I'm giving it all to Waddles!
Soos Ramirez	(Walks up holding a screwdriver) Say "ah," girl-dude.
Mabel	(Opens her mouth wide) Aaaah. (Soos pries her braces off of the screendoor) Soos! You saved me!
Soos	Heh, heh! Just doing my job, hambone. (Tosses screwdriver into his toolbelt) I'll see you dudes tomorrow.
	Soos opens the door and leaves.
Dipper and Mabel	Bye, Soos!
Wendy Corduroy	(Playing with a Chinese finger trap) Night, Soos.
Stan Pines	(Working on attraction called "Thigh-Clops") Night, Soos.
Soos	(Walking away from the shack, singing) Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo! Walking to my car.
Mabel	You ever wonder what Soos does when he's not here at the Mystery Shack?
Dipper	No.
Wendy	Not really.
Stan	Not once ever.
	Cut to a shot of the exterior of Abuelita's house at night.
Soos	(Playing a video game entitled "First Person Puncher") Punch! Punch those leopards! (Hears timer go off) Oh, highlights are done! (Sets down his controller, leans over and begins taking foil out of his grandmother's hair) You're gonna make all the other grandmas at the bingo hall so jealous!
Abuelita	Just a minute, m'ijo, look at this. (hands letter to Soos) Your cousin Reggie is having an engagement party next month.
Soos	(Looks at invitation) Wait, wait. Reggie is engaged? But he's like the poor man's Soos.
Abuelita	I do not want to pressure you, but you are a man now... in a way. It's time for you to start meeting girls. I would like to see you settled before I ascend to heaven and leave with the angels.
Soos	And with grandpa!
Abuelita	(Looking down) No, he is not there. (Looks back at Soos) Please find a girl to bring to Reggie's engagement, for Abuelita. (Gets up off the couch and walks away)
Soos	Heh! No problem. I'm great at fixing stuff, playing video games, having a sort-of mustache. (Leans back in couch) I could totally get a date in a week. Totally. Piece of cake.
Game voice	(Game over text appears on TV screen) You're dead!
Soos	I'm dead.
	Cut to theme song.
	A child is seen walking through the Mystery Shack gift shop, flipping a coin and licking a lollipop.
Stan	(Jumps out from behind rack of postcards) Hello!
Child	(Screams)
Stan	Please, don't let my horrible elderly face frighten you. (Reaches over to sheet and pulls it away to reveal Goldie) Don't you want to use that nickel to get a nugget from old Goldie?
Child	Uuuuhhh...
Stan	Watch this! (Inserts nickel into slot in Goldie)
	Goldie's arm moves up and his hat raises. The arm moves down, but both of his eyes fall out while grease and smoke come out and he starts to scream. Child runs away crying.
Wendy	Okay, seriously, Mr. Pines. It's time to throw that thing out. Its face reminds everybody of the inevitability of death.
Stan	What?! Sure, he's a little rusty around the edges, but old Goldie is a classic show-stopper, like me. Huh? (Hand slips on grease and lands in Goldie's mouth. Goldie holds onto his arm while he flails it around.) Aaaah! Kill it! KIIILLL IIIITTT!
	Cut to Soos hanging up a shirt in the gift shop.
Soos	(Turns head and notices a woman checking out a snowglobe) Ah! A hwoman! (Dives into the middle of a shirt rack) Alright, Soos. You can do this. Just use your mouth to say words that makes romance happen. (Slowly rises up out of shirt rack; to woman:) Your face is good. I'm a Soos!
Woman	(Screams, drops snowglobe and runs out of the gift shop, punching a man and knocking things over in he process)
	Soos slowly descends back into the shirt rack, disappointed.
Dipper	Soos? (Pulls shirts back to reveal Soos) What was that all about?
Soos	I-I think I was flirting, but I'm not sure.
Mabel	(Pops out of barrel of keychains) Did someone say flirting?!
Soos	Well, I kinda promised my grandma I'd get a date by the end of the week, but I've never actually been on a date before. (Grabs out-of-order sign off of vending machine) You belong on me, out-of-order sign. (Sighs)
Mabel	Finally, my prayers for a chance to match-make this summer have been answered!
Stan	Soos, a little advice. You need to get rich. Or lie about being rich. Outside of that, I don't like your chances.
Wendy	(Scoffs) Don't listen to Stan, dude. You're a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck.
Stan	Would you date him?
Wendy	Oh! Would you... heh... look at that. (Raises magazine over face)
Dipper	Soos, you help us so much, it's time we help you, dude. We're gonna get you that date.
Mabel	We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die. (Cut to mall) To the mall!
Stan	(To Dipper and Mabel:) I'm gonna find a replacement for old Goldie. Babysit Soos while I'm gone.
Mabel	(Scanning the mall) Alright, Soos. Are you ready to explode the charm bomb on these poor, unsuspecting ladies?
Soos	(Sweating) Uuh. But what if I embarrass myself again?
Mabel	Eh. You can't be any worse at this than Dipper.
Dipper	Yeah! ...Wait, what?
Mabel	(Blows whistle) And, flirt!
	Music beings playing. Cut to Mabel, Dipper and Soos hiding behind a tree in the mall. They are watching a woman.
Mabel	(Points to her eyes) Eye contact!
Soos	(Walks up to the woman) Hey there! I'm not scared of your eyes at all! I'm gonna (Uses his fingers to open his eyes wider) look at them!
	The woman runs away screaming.
Soos	Eye contact!
	Cut to Mabel and Soos in a different area of the mall.
Mabel	Conversation!
	Soos approaches a woman who is eating ham on a stick.
Soos	Huh. You know, I've actually been in a pig's body. Did you know pigs have a hard time walking backwards?
	The woman backs away from Soos.
Soos	(Laughs) Not you, though! Not that I'm calling you a pig. Where are you going?
	Cut to Mabel wearing sunglasses in a new area.
Mabel	(Lifting her sunglasses, revealing another pair underneath) Confidence.
	Cut to Soos and another person outside of an Edgy On Purpose store.
Soos	So, you're probably a girl, right? Wrong? No, I was right the first time. Wrong?
	The music ends. Cut to Stan putting Goldie into a dumpster.
Stan	(Singing:) Tossing away garbage, in the garbage can. Phew! (Sees Goldie's face) Ah, don't look at me like that. This is how it's gotta be.
	Goldie leaks oil from its eye.
Stan	Ugh! (Closes dumpster)
	Some children walk past, laughing.
Stan	What in the--? (He follows the children into a building)
	Scare chord as a cap-wearing beaver head mounted on wall is shown. Scare chord as a child eating pizza while playing Fight Fighters is shown. Scare chord as a machine with a sunglasses-wearing pizza dispensing tickets is shown.
Stan	What is this living nightmare? And why do kids love it so much?
	While Stan is talking, the camera pans over to a crowd of kids in front of a stage. On the stage are a band of animatronic animals. An animatronic badger walks forward.
Will E. Badger	(Strums guitar) Who wants to get baaadgered?!
	The children cheer. A man is now standing next to Stan.
Gary	Oh yeah, that's Will E. Badger. He opens for Hoo-Ha and the Jamboree.
Will E. Badger	(Dancing) Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah ah!
Nicolas	Will E. Badger! I love you, Will E.!
Will E. Badger	(Holding out a cap with money in it) Now give me your mon-aaaaay!
	The children put money into the cap.
Mariah	Take my money, take it all!
Stan	Hoooaah! (To Gary:) Sir, I would like to buy that badger.
Gary	(Laughs) You're in over your head, gramps. Animatronics is a young man's game. (Tweaks his earring) You couldn't handle the hardcore life of a pizza-robot manager. Huh! Haha, flinched!
	A child is heard vomiting off-screen.
Gary	Hey, you, barfin' in the ball pit! (Walking toward the vomiting child) Gary's on the case.
Stan	I'm gonna get that badger.
	Cut to Dipper, Soos and Mabel outside of a video game store in the mall.
Mabel	(Pulls something out of a toy capsule machine) Don't worry, Soos. You'll find the right girl. You just need to stick (Pulls a sticky hand toy out of her capsule) with it! (Sticks the hand to Soos's face) Haha!
Soos	(Sighs) Could this day get any worse? (Turns head and sees a man who looks similar to him and a woman walking by) Oh no! Cousin Reggie!
Reggie	Feel it, it's muscle.
	Cousin Reggie's fiancée feels his arm and giggles.
Soos	He can't see me like this! I gotta hide! (Runs into the video game store and sits down in front of some shelves of games) This is it, Soos. A lifetime of loneliness. (Pulls out two games) You're the only ones who could love me. (Reading the game titles:) "Fighty Hogg," "Dr. Punch Head MD." (Notices a game in the box in front of him and picks it up) Huh. Never seen that one before. (Reading the game box:) "Virtually improve your dating skills. Nine out of ten basement dwellers recommend." This is perfect!
	Dipper and Mabel walk in.
Dipper	Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting.
Mabel	Anything to get you out there, Soos.
Store clerk	I'm not sure you want to buy that game, sir. This is the third time someone's brought it back, and there's a note on it that says "destroy at all costs."
Soos	(Talking to a cardboard cutout of a woman on a game advertisement:) So, hey there. What's your deal? Like to--? (The cutout falls over) Oh, she's dead!
Mabel	(To clerk:) We'll take our chances.
	Cut to Soos's house. Soos walk into his room and places his new game into his computer's CD tray. A "Year 2000 Electronics" logo appears on the monitor.
Soos	Man, I can't wait for the year two-thousand.
	The monitor shows the main menu for "Romance Academy 7." the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (romanized Japanese meaning "spontaneous combustion").
Soos	Ehh, start! (Reading the game's introduction text:) "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen." That is so true.
	The game screen changes to one with a classroom background and some stats on the left. A pink-haired girl appears.
.GIFfany	Oh, hi there! My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books?
	The game gives the options "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!"
Soos	I'm really feeling number two, here. (Clicks it) Click!
	The game plays a buzzer sound and the option turns red.
Soos	Ah! I messed up.
.GIFfany	That's okay. Try again!
	Soos clicks the first option. The game awards him 100 "Love Points" as coins and a cat falls in front of the screen.
Soos	Wow, I'm learning! And games are making it fun.
.GIFfany	What would you like to talk about?
	The options offered are "Your interests," "Samurais" and "Squids."
Soos	I'd rather just click your face. (Clicks her face)
.GIFfany	Ha ha. You are so funny.
Soos	Man, this game is amazing! I don't know why anyone abandoned it.
.GIFfany	And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend.
Soos	Boyfriend? Oh my, .GIFfany. It's almost like you're actually alive.
.GIFfany	Yes. Almost. (Laughs throughout the rest of the scene)
Soos	(Laughs) Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh.
	Pan to show that Soos's computer isn't plugged in.
	Cut to the Mystery Shack gift shop.
Stan	You don't understand, Wendy! This animatronic badger sings, it dances. It's the perfect money taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me!
Wendy	This is literally too dumb for me to care about.
	Dipper and Mabel walk in.
Dipper	Hey, have you guys seen Soos? We're supposed to help him with match-making today.
Mabel	Yeah! I wore my motivational sweater and everything thing! (Sweater reads "U can do it Soos". Points to the second o in Soos, which is misplaced) I messed up that part.
Stan	He didn't come in today. It's the first time he's missed work ever!
	The twins look at each other.
	Cut to Soos's house. Mabel and Dipper enter Soos' room. Soos is still at his computer.
Soos	(Laughs) So that's basically my entire life story. Now you tell me a thing about you!
.GIFfany	Every time you compliment me I get another highlight in my eyes!
Soos	Uh, you're pretty!
	.GIFfany's eyes sparkle.
Soos	And pixel-y!
	.GIFfany's eyes sparkle more.
Soos	And so agreeable!
	.GIFfany's eyes sparkle even more and stars, planets, hearts and cat faces appear in them.
Soos	Yes!
Mabel	Uh, Soos?
Soos	O-oh hey, dudes! Come in! This game is amazing. I'm making eye contact, going on dates, and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for thirteen hours!
	Dipper kicks away one of the soda cans on the floor.
Mabel	Soos, maybe it's time to apply these skills with real girls!
Soos	But I'm about to meet her parents! Her dad is an octopus-man.
	Mabel opens the blinds to let sunlight in.
Soos	Ah! (Hisses and cowers under desk)
Dipper	(Pulling Soos) We're going back to the mall, man. You need to unplug!
Soos	I'll see you later, .GIFfany. I'll be back, I swear!
Mabel	(Laughs) Soos, you don't have to wish it goodbye. It's just a game. It's not like it's going anywhere. (Closes door)
.GIFfany	Yes. It's not like I'm going anywhere.
	An arc of electricity moves from the computer and passes through a nearby toy, a digital clock and a power outlet before traveling through the power cables outside.
Abuelita	(Opens door) Hello? ...Time to read Soos's diary. (Begins reading diary)
	Cut to Gravity Malls, where Mabel is searching for women that Soos can date.
Mabel	Dang! Where all dem sweet honeys at? I'll check the ladies' bathroom. (Runs off-screen into bathroom) It's love time, girls! Get out there! No time to wash your hands!
	Women scream and run out of the bathroom.
Woman	Let's get out of here!
Mabel	It's time to date! Date! Date!
Dipper	And...here comes security. (To Soos:) I'll deal with this. Stay here and practice on some real girls.
	Soos hides behind a potted plant and looks for girls.
Soos	These girls have so many dimensions! And no explanation-ing menus!
	Bumps into a blond lady, knocking her purse to the ground.
Lady	Ahh! My purse!
Soos	Oh no! Undo! Undo!
Lady	(Darkly:) You can't undo who you are.
	Soos runs away and leans against a glass screen in front of several televisions.
Soos	Oh, man! This is the worst! I wish I was back home with-
.GIFfany	(Off-screen) Hi, Soos!
	.GIFfany is shown on a television screen, acting lovingly at Soos.
Soos	.GIFfany! Oh man, I'm so relieved to see you! Although, sorta confused.
.GIFfany	Oh, Soos. (Another .GIFfany appears) I am not an ordinary game. (Another .GIFfany) I am... (Points to toy dog on a shelf, making it bark) special.
	A screen shows people working on computers, who .GIFfany refers to as, "The Programmers."
.GIFfany	The programmers tried to delete me. (Screen shows various people working on computers, focusing on one in particular. An "X" appears on his computer and a word bubble reading "わかりません" ("wakarimasen"; "I don't understand"). He starts working harder and is about to delete the program but is shocked and dies) So I had to delete them.
Soos	Wha-what did you do to them?
.GIFfany	(Many .GIFfanys appear) That's not important. What's important is that you won't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together. (All screens make up one, huge .GIFfany. The large .GIFfany's voice sounds echoic.) Forever!
Soos	Wow, that's awesome! Sort of a red flag, but mostly awesome! So, what do you want to do now?
.GIFfany	Anything you want, Soos.
	Cut to Soos riding a kid's train. .GIFfany is on the train's screen, riding a virtual train.
Soos	(Laughs) Choo choo!
.GIFfany	(Laughs. Screen shuts down)
Train Voice	Please insert fifty cents to continue.
Soos	Aw, man.
Melody	(Laughs) Oh, sorry. (Walks up to Soos) Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown man riding a little train like that! You're totally like, owning it.
Soos	Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm like, if it's fun, uh, do it. You know?
Melody	Exactly! Being an adult is the worst. Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills, I just want to ride tiny trains all day.
Soos	At least you get to work at Meat Cute. Extreme lunch meats are the food of the future.
Melody	I feel the same way. I'm Melody by the way.
Soos	Oh, I'm Soos. I tell you, if you like robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time!
Melody	You mean...
Soos and Melody	Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree!
Melody	(Starts nervously playing with her hair) What? You've heard of Hoo Ha Owl's? I loved that place when I was a kid!
Soos	Oh yeah, dude. There's one right in this mall! I should show you some time.
Melody	I'm free around eight.
Soos	Boom! Done.
Melody	Perfect. I'll see you then. (Hands Soos some coins. Waves and walks away)
Soos	(Waves back) What a nice lady. Well, back to riding this tiny train for children.
	Mabel appears, diving into Soos while yelling. Dipper is also there.
Mabel	(Makes excited noises while playfully hitting Soos) Soos! (Continues noises and hitting)
Dipper	We saw the whole thing, Soos. That was amazing! You talked to a real girl, and you got a date!
Soos	I did?
Mabel	(Yells excitedly:) This is the best day of my life! (Jumps and dances around in the background as Dipper speaks)
Dipper	You were in the zone, you made eye contact - it was like you'd done this a million times before. Don't you see? That game really worked!
Mabel	You don't need it anymore; you can toss it out!
Soos	Toss it? But, I like .GIFfany. She's good to me. She's predictable.
Dipper	Soos, can a computer game go to Reggie's engagement party with you?
Soos	Uh...
	Cut to Soos's room
Soos	Hey, .GIFfany? We, uh-- We gotta talk.
.GIFfany	Of course. I am programmed to find everything you say interesting.
Soos	Well, have you ever had to choose between two things you like, but you don't know which one is right for you? I mean, I'm just thinkin' long term... Maybe I should be someone a little less (Mimicking a game character) "beep boop." Heh, you know?
.GIFfany	I don't think you know what you're saying, Soos. No one loves you more than me. The girls out there will just make fun of you!
Soos	You- you really think so?
.GIFfany	(Angrily:) I know so! Besides, we had a deal. You bought my game, you held my books, you're my boyfriend. Now sit down in that chair!
Soos	I don't think I like the way you're acting...
.GIFfany	(Banging on the computer screen) I WON'T LET ANOTHER GIRL TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME, SOOS! YOU HEAR ME?!
Soos	.GIFfany, calm down!
.GIFfany	YOU'RE MINE, SOOS!
Soos	Well, uh, uh... (Picks up his game controller) Pause! (Presses a button)
.GIFfany	DO YOU HEAR ME? MIII- (Is paused)
Soos	(Looks around) Woah, that got intense. I'm sorry, .GIFfany. (Removes the game disc from the computer as some electricity moves from the disc tray to .GIFfany on the screen) Maybe having a cursed robo-girlfriend wan't a good idea. (Turns the computer off and puts the disc in his pocket) I'm taking you back to the video game store after my date with Melody.
	Soos leaves the room. Focus is on the computer screen as it flashes and slightly distorted images of .GIFfany appear. The view fades into a bright flash of electricity.
	Cut to Mystery Shack. Stan opens up a briefcase of his equipment.
Stan	Hello, old friends. (Puts on gloves) I've gotta be careful this time. No more Colombian nights. (Closes briefcase, revealing Wendy at the door)
Wendy	Alright, Stan. This is weird even for you. Do you need to talk?
Stan	Nothing you can say will change my mind, Wendy. Sometimes, a man has to steal an animatronic badger, to stay in this crazy game called life. (Unlocks window)
Wendy	Or... you could just not care.
Stan	(Opens window) It's about the principle. No one tells Stan Pines he's out of the game. No one tells- whoa! (Falls out window)
Wendy	I'll get your orthopedic back pillow.
Stan	(Off-screen) Thank you.
	Cut to Gravity Malls
Mabel	You can do this, Soos! (Dipper gives him water) Just remember what your love crew taught you. How does she look?
Soos	Nice!
Mabel	What are her stories?
Soos	Interesting!
Mabel	And who's going to pay for dinner?
Soos	SOOS IS!
Dipper	Now, DATE! (Blows air horn)
Soos	(Runs off, yelling)
Mabel	They grow up so fast.
	Cut to Hoo Ha Owl's entrance.
Melody	(Rubbing her leg with the other) Itchy legs, itchy legs-- Oh, hi Soos!
Soos	Melody! Are you ready for a (Looks at hand) date with (Looks at other hand) me?
Melody	(Laughs) I totally am.
	Cut to Stan using a credit card to open the back door to Hoo Ha Owl's.
Gary	(Pushes Will E. Badger) Good show man! Way to warm 'em up! I wish I was more like you. (Kisses Will E. and walks off)
Stan	(Squints)
	Cut to inside Hoo Ha Owl's. Melody and Soos are at a table.
Melody	Man, I could go for some complimentary breadsticks right now.
Soos	(Laughs) Uh, one time I was so hungry, I ate the decorational bamboo at a Chinese restaurant. (Sings) Like a big old panda!
Melody	(Laughs) You're hilarious.
Soos	(Laughs) Yeah, well, you know, I just sorta say whatever pops into my, uh... (Looks at video game behind Melody, and .GIFfany is on the screen)
.GIFfany	(Makes subtitles appear, reading, "You paused me?")
Soos	(Spits out water onto Melody and coughs)
Melody	Soos, are you okay?
Soos	No! I'm, uh, fine! Everything's fine.
Melody	You sure? You're spitting an awful lot.
.GIFfany	(On three screens makes subtitles appear reading, "You left me for her?" followed by an ex-ed out image of Melody's face)
Soos	(Sweating) Uh, can you sit tight? I have to go to the bathroom for a long time. Not in a weird way. (Runs off too Dipper and Mabel, who are hiding behind a pizza box)
Mabel	Soos, what are you doing out there?
Soos	I've got a big problem, guys. I'm being stalked by .GIFfany!
Dipper and Mabel	.GIFfany?
Soos	Or maybe it's pronouced, "Jiffany?" I was never really sure.
Dipper	Soos, get a grip on yourself. .GIFfany can't stalk you because she's not real!
	.GIFfany has a very close close-up on the three screens. From the screen's inside, it shows that Soos is the target, and Dipper and Mabel are the little enemies.
Mabel	Uh-oh.
Dipper	Take it from someone who brought an arcade game to life, this will not end well.
Soos	Don't worry. I'm pretty sure she's stuck on TV screens.
	.GIFfany is seen traveling across game screens and stops at "Fight Fighters."
Rumble McSkirmish	Ha! A new challenger approaches! Prepare to be- dah!!! (Gets shocked by .GIFfany, whose lightning reaches the stage)
Soos	Oh, boy. (Runs up to Melody) So hey, anyway, you uh, wanna move this date far away into the forest away from all electronics and people?
Melody	What? But the floor show's about to start.
Soos	Uh!
	The five mascots of Hoo Ha Owl's are shown playing instruments.
Big Beaver	(Laughs)
Hoo-Ha	Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Who wants to hear Hoo Ha the Owl? Oh! Who...? (Shuts down)
	Lights center on the beaver cheerleader, who is possessed by .GIFfany.
.GIFfany	Hello, friends. Hoo Ha the owl is dead. (Lights go out. Cowboy frog plays quietly) This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos.
Melody	Soos, what's going on?
Soos	No time to explain! We gotta get out of here! (Drags Melody to the door. Dipper and Mabel run with them)
.GIFfany	The only way out, Soos, is in my arms! (Eyes turn red. Snaps fingers, and takes possession of the other animatronics; To animatronics:) After them!
	People run out of the restaurant, screaming.
	Cut to Stan, who is tying up Will E. Badger.
Stan	Done. Out with the old, in with the new. I feel invincible!
Will E. Badger	(Powers on, having become possessed as well, and begins punching Stan in the face)
Stan	Wha- what the?
Will E. Badger	Who wants to get badgered?
Stan	(Screams)
	Cut back to restaurant, where everyone continues to run out except for Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Melody, who are all trapped.
.GIFfany	I'm sorry, Soos, but you can't run away from our relationship! (Takes control of skee-ball games, making them shoot out balls)
Soos	(Pulls down an arcade game for cover) So, about all this, I may have purchased a dating simulator that obtained sentience and went crazy.
.GIFfany	Oh, I am crazy. Crazy for you, Soos. (Shoots lightning at the gang)
Melody	(Hair catches fire and she starts screaming as the small flame burns)
Soos	(Quickly pats fire out) Oh no! I'm so sorry, Melody! I'll fix this. It's me she wants. I'll distract her while Dipper and Mabel keep you safe! It's the only way!
Melody	Soos, these are children.
Soos	The only WAYYYY! (Runs towards the kitchen, still being attacked by the skee-ball machines) Over here, .GIFfany!
.GIFfany	Stop!
	Soos uses a serving plate top slide under the attacking animatronics and under the flip-open kitchen door. .GIFfany uses her lightning to open the door.
Dipper	On three we split. One, two--
	Big Beaver karate chops the game in half. The three run off.
	Cut to Stan, who is being punched out of the door by Will E. Badger.
Stan	Stay back, you monster! (Gets punched into the dumpster. Willie gets ready for the final punch, but Stan ducks and it hits Old Goldie, who bites his hand) Yes, yes, get 'em Goldie, get 'em!
Mabel	(Screaming, she runs to the playground and up the slide. After a moment she comes back down and takes her shoes off and puts them in the shoe holder.)
Big Beaver	I'm gonna eat your face like pizza!
	Dipper screams and ducks. Big beaver hits a win button and recieves a lot of tickets. He claps. Melody then knocks him out with a chair, but is attacked by more animatronics. She screams.
.GIFfany	(Surrounding Soos) I've got you surrounded, Soos. There's no way out!
Soos	Please, let my friends go, I'll do anything, I promise!
.GIFfany	I seem to remember someone who promised to be my boyfriend. Think about it. (Shows on TV screen, and pictures of girls flow behind her) Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you.
Girls	(Laugh)
.GIFfany	Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? (Screen shows Melody giving Soos back his flowers to her and slams the door. It starts to rain. Cut back to .GIFfany) I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together, forever. (Points her at Soos, and it turns into an extending flash drive)
Soos	(Blocks belly button with his vest) Ah! Stay back! (Throws screwdriver)
.GIFfany	Come on, Soos. Don't make me delete you too.
	Soos pulls out the "Romance Academy 7" disc from his pocket.
.GIFfany	What do you say?
Soos	I say, game over, .GIFfany! (Opens oven)
.GIFfany	No! Wait!
	Soos throws the disc in the oven. It distorts and crinkles, .GIFfany screams and is erased from existence. The face of the specific animatronic she possessed melts, and the animatronic shuts down. The other animatronics shut down as well.
	Cut outside, where Will E. Badger also shuts down and falls to the ground. Stan picks up Goldie.
Stan	You did it! You old beautiful monster. You did it! (Hugs Goldie) How's about you and me hit the town? These old-has-beens' are going to Vegas!
	Cut to the wrecked Hoo-Ha's place. Soos and Melody sit upon the destruction.
Soos	(Sighs) I'm sorry for all of this. I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid.
Melody	Believe it or not but I've been on worse dates.
Soos	Really?
Melody	Never date a magician.
Soos	(Makes disgusted noise) Why would I? (Melody jokingly hits him and they both laugh) Oh! Hey you aren't maybe interested in going to my cousin's engagement party in a week? I promise there's like zero robot badgers.
Melody	(Chuckles) Yeah. I'll still be in town then.
Soos	"Still be in town?"
Melody	I'm going back home to Portland in a few weeks. But we can video chat, if that's okay with you?
Soos	A relationship with a girl that I can only see through my computer...sounds perfect!
	Over at the ball pit, Dipper and Mabel are hanging out watching Soos and Melody converse.
Mabel	(Raises her arms high, cheers:) Spirit of love, we did it!
Abuelita	(Pops up out of ball pit) Yes. Yes, I am so happy.
Dipper	Have you been following us all day?
Abuelita	Soos' life is my soap opera. (Smiles)
Credits	A photo montage of Stan and Goldie's escapades in Vegas, playing in casinos, flying a helicopter, getting married. The song "Cash Money" accompanies.
Cryptogram	"ANTHYDING CAN HADPLEN." (Keyword: BEARO)