Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Roadside Attraction." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "The Last Mabelcorn" Next: "TBA"
 ! This page is under construction. Therefore, please excuse its informal appearance while it's being worked on. We hope to have it completed as soon as possible.
Episode opens up outside the Mystery Shack, to the back of Grunkle Stan's RV. He's putting a bumper sticker on it that says "CAUTION: SILVERFOX AT THE WHEEL" as Soos helps pack it up.
Stan Pines (Hums) Nice. And don't forget bug spray! It's perfect for spraying in the face of hitchhikers.
Dipper Pines Woah. An RV? Camping gear? Are you running from the law again?
Soos Ramirez (on top of RV) Dude! It's the ultimate Oregon road trip adventure.
Stan More like revenge trip. Every year my tourist trap competitors prank the Mystery Shack. Last year those hooligans duct taped Soos to the ceiling.
Soos That was a fun 78 hours.
Stan Well, no more! (pulls out a map of Oregon's tourist traps and hands it to Dipper) This year we're visiting every tourist trap along the Redwood Highway, and I'm gonna prank back every single one.
Grenda Bow wow! Time to let the road dogs bark!
Candy Chiu That is us. We are the road dogs.
Mabel Pines Thanks for letting me bring Candy and Grenda along for our road trip, Grunkle Stan.
Stan The more the merrier. Just sign these non disclosure agreements. None of your parents are lawyers, right? (Stan and the girls walk into the RV)
Soos (Jumps down from the roof of the RV) What do ya say, dude? You comin'?
Mabel I already went to the trouble of packing all your stuff. Even the stuff you kept in that secret box under the bed. (drops the box, pictures of Wendy coming out of it) Woah. What the...? Ugh, what's that?
Dipper (starts cleaning the pictures up) Uh, nothing! Just...Wendy stuff...from old times.
Mabel and Soos Ughh.
Mabel Bro, I thought you were finally past all this.
Dipper Ahh, I know, I know! I know she's not interested and I know it's over, but how do you just turn off the way you feel about someone?
Mabel Two words, Dipper. Move. On.
Soos Yeah, dude. And a road trip's the perfect place to meet new people.
Dipper looks at a picture of Wendy, then at the pamphlet. He looks up into the sky and smiles.
(Theme song)
The RV bounds across the open road. Stan is driving as Soos pants with his tongue sticking out.
Grenda Man, RVs are amazing. I can't believe we're sitting at a table in a moving vehicle!
Candy Ooh! Informational travel pamphlets. I want to read them all and gain their travel knowledge.
Stan Kid, those useless pamphlets have never helped a single person. The only wrinkly old travel guide you'll need is me. Now look alive! We're coming up on an attraction run by the most black-hearted proprietor in all of Oregon.
Cut to a sign outside Granny Sweetkin's Yarnball. The RV pulls up next to it and stops.
Stan Don't let the face fool you. This woman lit my car on fire on two non-consecutive occasions.
Cut to outside the RV. The kids have gotten out and are staring at the yarn ball.
Dipper, Mabel, Candy and Grenda Woah.
Mabel I'm going in, girls. Waaah. (Mabel goes inside the yarn. Candy laughs and follows her.)
Grenda Yarn! (goes inside the yarn)
A tourist girl walks by Dipper.
Dipper Okay. Like Soos said, meet new people. (Walks up to girl and clears throat) So, uh...come here often?
Unnamed tourist girl No. I'm a tourist.
Dipper (laughs nervously) You're funny. And cute. I mean, not cute. I mean, you're not not cute. Phew, let me start over. (extending hand) My name is Dopper. (She dumps her ice cream in his hand and walks away as Dipper sighs)
Stan (Over the walkie talkie:) Dipper, hup to! This ball a' yarn ain't gonna prank itself.
Dipper takes a piece of the yarn ball from Mabel and ties it to the back of the RV. He sighs.
Stan Something on your mind, kiddo? You're thinking about miss cold shoulder over there, huh?
Dipper Ahh, I'm so embarrassed. Look, earlier this summer I ruined my chances with Wendy.
As they talk, Mabel and Grenda pop out of the top of the yarn ball and high-five.
Stan Heh, yeah. Chances.
Mabel and Grenda begin unraveling the yarn ball.
Dipper And I wanna move on, but I'm terrible at talking to girls. The moment I open my mouth around them I unravel, I can't think of a perfect metaphor, but you get the gist. At this rate, I'm going to grow up to be a sad loner like Toby Determined.
Stan Woah. Never say that about yourself. Lucky for you I'm an expert on women. Listen to me, kid. When it comes to girls always be confident. And be funny, but not too funny. And be kinda annoying but in a lovable way.
Dipper I don't know, Grunkle Stan. This sounds kinda jerky.
Stan Hey, jerky is just a term non-jerks use to bad mouth innocent jerks. Confidence, comedy, some third word starting with a C. The three Cs of the Stan Pines dating technique! At the next tourist trap, try out my advice on the first girl you see.
Dipper Cool. Grunkle Stan, thanks.
Stan Hey, I'm full a good ideas. Speakin' of which, everyone! Now!
Dipper, Stan, and Soos run into the RV. Mabel, Candy, and Grenda get out of the yarn ball and follow them. The RV speeds away, unraveling the yarn ball completely.
Granny Sweetkins Why, you gall darn son of a no good. (Takes a nail out of the ground and throws it at the RV) I'll get you, Stan Pines!
Cut to Upside-Down Town. The RV pulls up and stops.
Stan Ah, Upside-Down Town. The nausea capital of the state. Whatever you do, don't use the bathrooms.
The kids put on shoes with Velcro on the bottom, so they can walk on the carpeted ceiling.
Mabel, Candy and Grenda Road dogs! Woof, woof, woof!
The kids get aligned with the ceiling and walk into the house, laughing.
Grenda Nice!
Mabel This is so weird!
Dipper walks in as he notices Emma Sue.
Stan (in Dipper's head:) Alright, kid. This is it. Be confident.
Dipper (Clears throat) Hi, I'm Dipper. Crazy place, right?
Emma Sue Oh, hi. I'm Emma Sue. You know, if you pretend we're right side up, it looks like everyone's hair is standing on end.
Dipper Huh. Yeah, weird, right? Pretend you're screaming.
Emma Sue Okay. You gotta take a picture of me, though. (Screams as Dipper takes a picture with her phone)
Dipper Let's see about--woah! (He lets go of the phone before catching it) Huh-hoh, just kidding. (laughs)
Emma Sue (playfully:) You are the worst. (softly punches Dipper)
Dipper You bet I am. I'm bad, Emma. Kind of a jerk.
Emma Sue's Father Emma, come on! We have to get to Canada before your mother gives birth.
Emma Sue It's a long story.
Dipper Maybe you could tell me sometime.
Emma Sue Here's my email address. Write me and I'll tell you all about it. (Writes her email on Dipper's hand and walks away)
Dipper A girl gave me her email. And it wasn't out of pity! Haha! Yes! (Jumps in the air and falls to the floor, landing next to Mabel) I'm okay. I'm better than okay. Mabel, hi. There's my Grenda. Candy, looking great, looking great. Is that a new pair of glasses? Very shiny. (Candy blushes) Hahaha. Wooo!
Grenda Maybe it's the blood pooling in my head, but Dipper seems different. (Groans as her forehead turns purple)
Candy Yes. Good different.
Stan (off screen) Now, Soos!
Stan and Soos start jumping on the floor, rolling the house and turning it right-side up. The gang runs to the RV and drives away.
Stan Not so upside-down now! (laughs)
Civilian What a lovely normal home!
Upside-Down Town Employee Stan Pines!
Dipper look at Emma's e-mail I can't believe it worked. What do I do now? Do I e-mail her?
Stan No, no, no. You practice. The more girls you talk to, the better you get at it.
Dipper Grunkle Stan, these tips are priceless.
Stan And that's just the tip of the advice-berg.
(A montage begins. Dipper flirts with girls at Log Land and the Corn Maze as Stan sabotages the attractions. Soos walks into a random area of the Corn Maze as the rest of the gang runs back into the RV.)
Stan Everyone on board?
Mabel Probably.
The RV drives away, leaving Soos behind.
Soos Guys? Hello? Anyone? They'll come back for me.
Cut to Septic Ridge RV Park at night. Dipper and Stan are relaxing in a hot tub.
Stan So then I said to the bouncer, "Where's your ID, ugly?" That's where I got this scar.
Dipper (laughs) Grunkle Stan, I gotta say this was one of the best days ever. Look! (Holds up arms with phone numbers on them)
Stan That's the Stan Pines method, kid. Works every time.
Dipper I'm just a little worried, though. I mean is it bad to flirt with this many girls at once? I'm just tryin'a get over Wendy. I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.
Stan Please. That's the best part 'a flirting on a road trip. You're not gonna see any of these gals again. To moving on! (Stan and Dipper laugh)
Screen pans to Mabel, Grenda and Candy sitting at a bonfire next to the RV, eating marshmallows and laughing.
Mabel Okay, it's time for...
Mabel and Grenda ...Truth or Dare or Don't! (point at Candy)
Candy I choose...don't!
Grenda Ugh! You always choose don't.
Candy Fine. Uh, truth.
Mabel Do someone? (Candy blushes)
Grenda (Off screen) Uh oh. Someone's blushing.
Candy Okay, maybe just a little. I don't know for sure. It just started.
Mabel and Grenda Tell us! Tell us!
Candy Okay. It begins with a "D" and ends with an "ipper."
Mabel (shocked) No.
Candy Yes.
Mabel and Grenda (Gasp)
Mabel Ready Grenda? Three. Two. One. (Mabel and Grenda gasp before screaming loudly. Dipper and Stan look around.)
Stan Man, coyotes sound a lot worse than I remember.
Mabel (Giggling with Grenda) Candy. Candy! All my life dreams are coming true right now. My brother. My best friend.
Grenda I can't breathe! I'm so excited I can't breathe! (Falls over)
Candy I never really noticed him before, but he seems different lately. Less sweaty, and more charming. But how do I approach him?
Mabel Don't even worry about that, Can Can. Mabel's got a plan. (Shoves marshmallows in her mouth:) Mabel's got a plan.
Cut to the road. The RV is back on the highway.
Stan Alright, campers. We got another day 'a breakin' laws and breakin' hearts. Everything up until now has been a walk in the park compared to our next attraction.
Mabel Is it a walk in the world's biggest park?
Stan Eh, sort of. There she is, kids. Mystery Mountain. Five times the size of the Mystery Shack, and what's worse: she has real attractions.
Candy Oh! I have read about this place. It has sky tram. And a mummy museum. And sight things of half human, half spider creatures.
Stan Even their made up legends are better than ours. Today, the mountain falls.
Mabel (nods at Grenda) Question. The back seat makes me car sick. Can I sit up front today?
Grenda Also question. I'm the size of two people. Can I have a whole seat to myself?
Candy (looks up and blushes)
Stan Eh, I don't know, sure.
Mabel (runs to shotgun seat) Woooh! Change up! (yells as she pushes Dipper out of the seat and into the back seat)
Dipper But wait! That means it'll just be me and-- (looks at Candy, who is sitting next to her)
Candy (blushing) Candy Chiu! 6th grade!
Dipper (jumps back) Woah! Hey.
Dipper and Candy awkwardly sit in silence. After a few seconds, Candy moves next to Dipper.
Dipper You're sitting close.
Grenda (giggles with Mabel as she moves a curtain over the back seat)
Candy So, Dipper. I was wondering, would you maybe want to walk around the Mystery Mountain with me today?
Dipper Ssssure, I mean, wasn't that already the plan? (scoots away from Candy)
Candy I mean, just us. You and me. Candy and Dipper.
Dipper looks shocked as Stan slams the brakes on the car, coming to a stop in front of the Mystery Mountain entrance. Cut to Stan outside the RV
Stan Alright, road dogs! I got five bucks for whoever can tip the big blue ox! Go, go, go! (Ushers Mabel and Grenda out)
Candy (to Dipper:) I will see you in there! (giggles and walks away)
Stan Hey, what's up with the mopey mug, kid?
Dipper Stan! You gotta help me! Everything you taught me worked too well! I think Candy just asked me out on a date!
Stan He-hey! (punches Dipper's shoulder) Look at this little champion!
Dipper What? No! I-I mean, Candy's great, she's sweet and she's smart, but I've never thought of her like that! Th-th-this is all moving way too fast. (sits down, panting) Okay. I just need to be honest with her and tell her I-I'm not ready for all this.
Stan (laughs) Don't you see what's happening here? That's your dumb obsession with Wendy gettin' in the way of your future! If you wanna move on, you've gotta say yes to whatever comes your way. (walks toward ticket booth and looks at Darlene) Speaking of which...
Darlene is smiling at Stan.
Dipper But I don't wanna lead her on!
Stan Ah ah ah! Watch and learn. walks to ticket booth Oh, I seem to have lost my number! Can I borrow yours?
Darlene (laughs) You are a riot! What brings you here? We don't normally get men this handsome around these parts.
Stan Heheh. Well, (looks at name tag) Darlene, between you and me, what I'm doing here is a little secret.
Darlene Oh, you seem like a man with secrets. (laughs with Stan)
Dipper Ugh.
Darlene You know, I'm going on a break. You wanna take the sky tram up to Widow's Peak?
Stan (whispers to Dipper) Take my advice or don't, but clearly I know what I'm doing.
Darlene takes Stan's offered arm and walks to the entrance with him) Oh, fancy!
Stan (turns his head back to Dipper, grins, and points at Darlene)
Cut to Mabel and Grenda watching from the bushes as Candy and Dipper enter Mummy Town U.S.A.
Mabel Oh! I can't believe this is happening. A real date! I wonder what they'll name the baby.
Grenda If I had a baby, I would name it Grenda 2: The Sequel!
Mabel You would make such a good mother.
Cut to inside Mummy Town U.S.A. Dipper and Candy are sitting on a bench. A banner above them reads "NEW MUMMIES DAILY".
Candy This place is so enchanting.
Dipper Sort of confused by the phrase "New Mummies Daily," though. I mean, how does that even work?
Candy This mountain is full of mysteries. Like, why is my head falling on your shoulder? Byooop. (giggles as she places her head on Dipper's shoulder)
Dipper Uh, yep! This is what I want! This is all part of the plan and stuff.
Corn Maze Girl Oh, Dipper! Hey!
Dipper (gasps) Corn Maze Girl!
Corn Maze Girl (sits on bench) I was wondering when you'd call.
Candy Dipper, who is this?
Dipper Nobody! I mean- uh- somebody but-
Emma Sue Dipper! (walks up) I didn't recognize you right-side up. You'll never guess where my mom gave birth. Hey, who are these girls?
Log Girl Dipper? (appears from behind the corner) Why haven't you called? Did our romantic log ride mean nothing to you?
Candy I can't believe it. You agreed to go on a date with me and you were seeing all these other girls?
Corn Maze Girl Well, answer us. Which one of us do you like?
Dipper I... (begins to sweat) I like all of you! I mean, I don't like any of you! I mean- (pulls hat over face) I was trying to learn how to talk to girls! (laughs awkwardly)
(The three girls walk away in disgust)
Log Girl Unbelievable.
Emma Sue So gross.
Corn Maze Girl What a jerk.
Candy Dipper Pines. (takes of glasses and rubs eyes) I thought you were a nice guy. But I guess you only care about yourself. (Puts on glasses and walks away)

Site navigation

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.

Fandom may earn an affiliate commission on sales made from links on this page.

Stream the best stories.

Fandom may earn an affiliate commission on sales made from links on this page.

Get Disney+