Roadside Attraction/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Roadside Attraction." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "The Last Mabelcorn"

Next: "TBA"

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	Episode opens up outside the Mystery Shack, to the back of Grunkle Stan's RV. He's putting a bumper sticker on it as Soos helps pack it up.
Stan	(Hums) Nice. And don't forget bug spray! It's perfect for spraying in the face of hitchhikers.
Dipper	Woah. An RV? Camping gear? Are you running from the law again?
Soos	(on top of RV) Dude! It's the ultimate Oregon road trip adventure.
Stan	More like revenge trip. Every year my tourist trap competitors prank the Mystery Shack. Last year those hooligans duct taped Soos to the ceiling.
Soos	That was a fun 78 hours.
Stan	Well, no more! (pulls out a map of Oregon's tourist traps and hands it to Dipper) This year we're visiting every tourist trap along the Redwood Highway, and I'm gonna prank back every single one.
Grenda	Bow wow! Time to let the road dogs bark!
Candy	That is us. We are the road dogs.
Mabel	Thanks for letting me bring Candy and Grenda along for our road trip, Grunkle Stan.
Stan	The more the merrier. Just sign these non disclosure agreements. None of your parents are lawyers, right? (Stan and the girls walk into the RV)
Soos	(Jumps down from the roof of the RV) What do ya say, dude? You comin'?
Mabel	I already went to the trouble of packing all your stuff. Even the stuff you kept in that secret box under the bed. (drops the box, pictures of Wendy coming out of it) Woah. What the...? Ugh, what's that?
Dipper	(starts cleaning the pictures up) Uh, nothing! Just...Wendy stuff...from old times.
Mabel and Soos	Ughh.
Mabel	Bro, I thought you were finally past all this.
Dipper	Ahh, I know, I know! I know she's not interested and I know it's over, but how do you just turn off the way you feel about someone?
Mabel	Two words, Dipper. Move. On.
Soos	Yeah, dude. And a road trip's the perfect place to meet new people.
	Dipper looks at a picture of Wendy, then at the pamphlet. He looks up into the sky and smiles.
	(Theme song)
	The RV bounds across the open road. Stan is driving as Soos pants with his tongue sticking out.
Grenda	Man, RVs are amazing. I can't believe we're sitting at a table in a moving vehicle!
Candy	Ooh! Informational travel pamphlets. I want to read them all and gain their travel knowledge.
Stan	Kid, those useless pamphlets have never helped a single person. The only wrinkly old travel guide you'll need is me. Now look alive! We're coming up on an attraction run by the most black-hearted proprietor in all of Oregon.
	Cut to a sign outside Granny Sweetkin's Yarnball. The RV pulls up next to it and stops.
Stan	Don't let the face fool you. This woman lit my car on fire on two non-consecutive occasions.
	Cut to outside the RV. The kids have gotten out and are staring at the yarn ball.
Dipper, Mabel, Candy and Grenda	Woah.
Mabel	I'm going in, girls. Waaah. (Mabel goes inside the yarn. Candy laughs and follows her.)
Grenda	Yarn! (goes inside the yarn)
	A tourist girl walks by Dipper.
Dipper	Okay. Like Soos said, meet new people. (Walks up to girl and clears throat) So, uh...come here often?
Unnamed tourist girl	No. I'm a tourist.
Dipper	(laughs nervously) You're funny. And cute. I mean, not cute. I mean, you're not not cute. Phew, let me start over. (extending hand) My name is Dopper. (She dumps her ice cream in his hand and walks away as Dipper sighs)
Stan	(Over the walkie talkie:) Dipper, hup to! This ball a' yarn ain't gonna prank itself.		Dipper takes a piece of the yarn ball from Mabel and ties it to the back of the RV. He sighs.
	Stan Something on your mind, kiddo? You're thinking about miss cold shoulder over there, huh?
Dipper	Ahh, I'm so embarrassed. Look, earlier this summer I ruined my chances with Wendy.
	As they talk, Mabel and Grenda pop out of the top of the yarn ball and high-five.
Stan	Heh, yeah. Chances.
	Mabel and Grenda begin unraveling the yarn ball.
Dipper	And I wanna move on, but I'm terrible at talking to girls. The moment I open my mouth around them I unravel like...like...well, I can't think of a perfect metaphor, but you get the gist. At this rate, I'm going to grow up to be a sad loner like Toby Determined.
Stan	Woah. Never say that about yourself. Lucky for you I'm an expert on women. Listen to me, kid. When it comes to girls always be confident. And be funny, but not too funny. And be kinda annoying but in a lovable way.
Dipper	I don't know, Grunkle Stan. This sounds kinda jerky.
Stan	Hey, jerky is just a term non-jerks use to bad mouth innocent jerks. Confidence, comedy, some third word starting with a C. The three Cs of the Stan Pines dating technique! At the next tourist trap, try out my advice on the first girl you see.
Dipper	Cool. Grunkle Stan, thanks.
Stan	Hey, I'm full a good ideas. Speakin' of which, everyone! Now!
	Dipper, Stan, and Soos run into the RV. Mabel, Candy, and Grenda get out of the yarn ball and follow them. The RV speeds away, unraveling the yarn ball completely.
Granny Sweetkins	Why, you gall darn son of a no good. (Takes a nail out of the ground and throws it at the RV) I'll get you, Stan Pines!
	Cut to Upside-Down Town. The RV pulls up and stops.
Stan	Ah, Upside-Down Town. The nausea capital of the state. Whatever you do, don't use the bathrooms.
	The kids put on shoes with Velcro on the bottom, so they can walk on the carpeted ceiling.
Mabel, Candy and Grenda	Road dogs! Woof, woof, woof!
	The kids get aligned with the ceiling and walk into the house, laughing.
Grenda	Nice!
Mabel	This is so weird!
	Dipper walks in as he notices Emma Sue.
Stan	(in Dipper's head:) Alright, kid. This is it. Be confident.
Dipper	(Clears throat) Hi, I'm Dipper. Crazy place, right?
Emma Sue	Oh, hi. I'm Emma Sue. You know, if you pretend we're right side up, it looks like everyone's hair is standing on end.
Dipper	Huh. Yeah, weird, right? Pretend you're screaming.
Emma Sue	Okay. You gotta take a picture of me, though. (Screams as Dipper takes a picture with her phone)
Dipper	Let's see about--woah! (He lets go of the phone before catching it) Huh-hoh, just kidding. (laughs)
Emma Sue	(playfully:) You are the worst. (softly punches Dipper)
Dipper	You bet I am. I'm bad, Emma. Kind of a jerk.
Emma Sue's Father	Emma, come on! We have to get to Canada before your mother gives birth.
Emma Sue	It's a long story.
Dipper	Maybe you could tell me sometime.
Emma Sue	Here's my email address. Write me and I'll tell you all about it. (Writes her email on Dipper's hand and walks away)
Dipper	A girl gave me her email. And it wasn't out of pity! Haha! Yes! (Jumps in the air and falls to the floor, landing next to Mabel) I'm okay. I'm better than okay. Mabel, hi. There's my Grenda. Candy, looking great, looking great. Is that a new pair of glasses? Very shiny. (Candy blushes) Hahaha. Wooo!
Grenda	Maybe it's the blood pooling in my head, but Dipper seems different. (Groans as her forehead turns purple)
Candy	Yes. Good different.
Stan	(off screen) Now, Soos!
	Stan and Soos start jumping on the floor, rolling the house and turning it right-side up. The gang runs to the RV and drives away.
Stan Not so upside-down now! (laughs)
Civilian	What a lovely normal home!
Upside-Down Town Employee	Stan Pines!
Dipper	looks at Emma's email I can't believe it worked. What do I do now? Do I email her?
Stan	No, no, no. You practice. The more girls you talk to, the better you get at it.
Dipper	Grunkle Stan, these tips are priceless.
Stan	And that's just the tip of the advice-berg.
	(A montage begins. Dipper flirts with girls at Log Land and the Corn Maze as Stan sabotages the attractions. Soos walks into a random area of the Corn Maze as the rest of the gang runs back into the RV.)
Stan	Everyone on board?
Mabel	Probably.
	The RV drives away, leaving Soos behind.
Soos	Guys? Hello? Anyone? They'll come back for me.
	Cut to Septic Ridge RV Park at night. Dipper and Stan are relaxing in a hot tub.
Stan	So then I said to the bouncer, "Where's your ID, ugly?" That's where I got this scar.
Dipper	(laughs) Grunkle Stan, I gotta say this was one of the best days ever. Look! (Holds up arms with phone numbers on them)
Stan	That's the Stan Pines method, kid. Works every time.
Dipper	I'm just a little worried, though. I mean is it bad to flirt with this many girls at once? I'm just tryin'a get over Wendy. I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.
Stan	Please. That's the best part 'a flirting on a road trip. You're not gonna see any of these gals again. To moving on! (Stan and Dipper laugh)
	Screen pans to Mabel, Grenda and Candy sitting at a bonfire next to the RV, eating marshmallows and laughing.
Mabel	Okay, it's time for...
Mabel and Grenda	...Truth or Dare or Don't! (point at Candy)
Candy	I choose...don't!
Grenda	Ugh! You always choose don't.
Candy	Fine. Uh, truth.
Mabel	Do you...like someone? (Candy blushes)
Grenda	(Off screen) Uh oh. Someone's blushing.
Candy	Okay, maybe just a little. I don't know for sure. It just started.
Mabel and Grenda	Tell us! Tell us!
Candy	Okay. It begins with a "D" and ends with an "ipper."
Mabel	(shocked) No.
Candy	Yes.
Mabel and Grenda	(Gasp)
Mabel	Ready Grenda? Three. Two. One. (Mabel and Grenda gasp before screaming loudly. Dipper and Stan look around.)
Stan	Man, coyotes sound a lot worse than I remember.
Mabel	(Giggling with Grenda) Candy. Candy! All my life dreams are coming true right now. My brother. My best friend.
Grenda	I can't breathe! I'm so excited I can't breathe! (Falls over)
Candy	I never really noticed him before, but he seems different lately. Less sweaty, and more charming. But how do I approach him?
Mabel	Don't even worry about that, Can Can. Mabel's got a plan. (Shoves marshmallows in her mouth:) Mabel's got a plan.
	Cut to the road. The RV is back on the highway.
Stan	Alright, campers. We got another day 'a breakin' laws and breakin' hearts. Everything up until now has been a walk in the park compared to our next attraction.
Mabel	Is it a walk in the world's biggest park?
Stan	Eh, sort of. There she is, kids. Mystery Mountain. Five times the size of the Mystery Shack, and what's worse: she has real attractions.
Candy	Oh! I have read about this place. It has sky tram. And a mummy museum. And sight things of half human, half spider creatures.
Stan	Even their made up legends are better than ours. Today, the mountain falls.
Mabel	(nods at Grenda) Question. The back seat makes me car sick. Can I sit up front today?
Grenda	Also question. I'm the size of two people. Can I have a whole seat to myself?
Candy	(looks up and blushes)