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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Mailbox." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Stan's Tattoo" Next: "Lefty"
(Static)
Dipper Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, Anomaly # 54: The Mailbox. (Points camera at mailbox) There it is, in the middle of the forest. No house. No address. Today, me and my team of expert...
Soos  (Walks up to the mailbox) 'Sup?
Dipper ...are gonna put a letter in and see who picks it up.
Soos My letter poses a salient question: 'Sup Dawg? (Puts letter in mailbox)
Dipper Now we're gonna hide behind a bush, and wait for someone to come by-
The mailbox shakes
Soos  (Backs away) Oh, Dude!
Dipper What the-?!
The flag raises
Soos Did you see that?!
Dipper (Runs over to the mailbox) Open it!
Soos No, you open it, dude! I'm not touching a ghost mailbox!
Dipper  Okay okay. Here it goes. (Opens the mailbox and pulls out a letter) What?!
Soos That's not our letter, dude!
Dipper (Opens the letter) It says... (Gasp)
Soos

(Grabs the letter and holds it up to the camera) Hello Dipper and Soos.

Dipper It knows our names!
Soos What if this thing's all-knowing?
Dipper We gotta test it.
  Static
Soos (Holds up a letter) What did I shave into my head this morning? (Puts it in the mailbox)
The flag raises
Soos (Takes letter out) "A baby duck holding a paddleball" Dude! It knew! (Takes off his hat to reveal the duck shaved into his hair)
Dipper What?!
Soos Ask it more questions!
  Static
Dipper (Writing on paper) When is the end of the world? (Puts the paper in)
Static
Dipper (Reading from letter) 3012. Huh. We've got a while.
Static
Soos  (Writing) Who is my dream woman? (Puts the letter in)
Static
Soos (Holding up a picture of a muscular woman) 

Ho ho ho! Hot tamales! I'll save that one for the archives! (Puts it in his pocket)

Dipper Uh, when is the exact time and date of my death?
Soos Did aliens build the pyramids?!
Dipper Or... what is the meaning of life?
Soos What are marshmallows made of?!
Dipper

Or... Who wrote Journal #3?!

Soos Who wrote the journal! Who wrote the journal!
Dipper We're finally gonna get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!
Mabel (Comes up) Nifty! A mailbox! I've been wanting to mail Mom this video of me sticking 100 gummy worms up my nose! (puts a package inside)
Dipper No, wait!
Soos Dude!
Mabel Bam! (slams mailbox door)
The flag raises
Dipper (Takes out letter) "Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass."
The mailbox glows
Soos What's that?!
Dipper and Mabel (Runs away) AAAHH!
The mailbox implodes. Static. Dipper, Mabel, and Soos are standing in the middle of a scorched clearing
Dipper Well, uh, that concludes Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, where we learned when dealing with the unknown, (Angrily, to Mabel:) DO NOT MAIL VIDEOS OF YOU SHOVING GUMMY WORMS UP YOUR NOSE!
Mabel (Pulls out gummy worms) There's more where that came from! (Singing:) Into my nose! INTO MY NOSE!
Dipper No! No! show over!  SHOW OVER-! (covers up camera)

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