| Dipper
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Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, Anomaly 54: The Mailbox. (Points camera at mailbox) There it is, in the middle of the forest. No house. No address. Today, me and my team of expert...
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| Soos
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(Walks up to the mailbox) 'Sup?
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| Dipper
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...are gonna put a letter in and see who picks it up.
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| Soos
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My letter poses a salient question: "'Sup Dawg?" (Puts letter in mailbox)
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| Dipper
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Now we're gonna hide behind a bush, and wait for someone to come by-
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The mailbox shakes
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| Soos
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(Backs away) Oh, Dude!
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| Dipper
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What the?!
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The flag raises
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| Soos
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Did you see that?
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| Dipper
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(Runs over to the mailbox) Open it!
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| Soos
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No, you open it, dude! I'm not touching a ghost mailbox!
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| Dipper
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Okay okay. Here it goes. (Opens the mailbox and pulls out a letter) What!?
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| Soos
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That's not our letter, dude!
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| Dipper
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(Opens the letter) It says...
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| Soos
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(Grabs the letter and holds it up to the camera) "Hello Dipper and Soos".
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| Dipper
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It knows our names!
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| Soos
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What if this thing's all-knowing?
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| Dipper
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We gotta test it.
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Static
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| Soos
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(Holds up a letter) What did I shave into my head this morning? (Puts it in the mailbox)
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The flag raises
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| Soos
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(Takes letter out) "A baby duck holding a paddleball" Dude! It knew! (Takes off his hat to reveal the duck shaved into his hair)
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| Dipper
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What!?
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| Soos
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Ask it more questions!
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Static
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| Dipper
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(Writing on paper) When is the end of the world? (Puts the paper in)
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Static
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| Dipper
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(Reading from letter) 3012. Huh. We've got a while.
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Static
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| Soos
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(Writing) Who is my dream woman? (Puts the letter in)
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Static
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| Soos
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(Holding up a picture a muscular woman)
Hot tamales! I'll save that one for the archives! (Puts it in his pocket)
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| Dipper
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Uh, when is the exact time and date of my death?
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| Soos
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Did aliens build the pyramids?
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| Dipper
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Or... What is the meaning of life?
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| Soos
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What are marshmallow tomatoes?
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| Dipper
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Or... Who wrote Journal #3?
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| Soos
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Who wrote the journal! Who wrote the journal!
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| Dipper
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Yes! We're finally gonna get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!
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| Mabel
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(Comes up) Nifty! A mailbox! I've been wanting to mail Mom this video of me sticking 100 gummy worms up my nose! (puts a package inside) Bam!
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| Dipper
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No, wait!
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| Soos
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Dude!
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The flag raises
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| Dipper
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(Takes out letter) "Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass."
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The mailbox glows
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| Soos
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What's that!?
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| Dipper and Mabel
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(Runs away) AAAAA!
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The mailbox implodes. Static. Dipper, Mabel, and Soos are standing in the middle of a scorched clearing
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| Dipper
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Well, uh, that concludes Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, where we learned, when dealing with the unknown, (Angrily, to Mabel:) DO NOT MAIL VIDEOS OF YOU SHOVING GUMMY WORMS UP YOUR NOSE!!!
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| Mabel
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(Pulls out gummy worms) There's more where that came from! (Singing:) Into my nose! INTO MY NOSE!
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| Dipper
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No! No! (Covers up camera) Show over!
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