Mailbox/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Mailbox." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Stan's Tattoo"

Next: "Lefty"

	(Static)
Dipper	Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, Anomaly #54: The Mailbox. (Points camera at mailbox) There it is, in the middle of the forest. No house. No address. Today, me and my team of expert...
Soos	(Walks up to the mailbox) 'Sup?
Dipper	...are gonna put a letter in and see who picks it up.
Soos	My letter posits a salient question: "Sup Dawg?" (Puts letter in mailbox)
Dipper	Now we're gonna hide behind a bush, and wait for someone to come by—
	The mailbox shakes
Soos	(Backs away) Oh, Dude!
Dipper	What the—?!
	The flag raises
Soos	Did you see that?!
Dipper	(Runs over to the mailbox) Open it!
Soos	No, you open it, dude! I'm not touching a ghost mailbox!
Dipper	Okay okay. Here it goes. (Opens the mailbox and pulls out a letter) What?!
Soos	That's not our letter, dude!
Dipper	(Opens the letter) It says... (Gasp)
Soos	(Grabs the letter and holds it up to the camera) Hello Dipper and Soos.
Dipper	It knows our names!
Soos	What if this thing's all-knowing?
Dipper	We gotta test it.
	Static
Soos	(Holds up a letter) What did I shave into my head this morning? (Puts it in the mailbox)
	The flag raises
Soos	(Takes letter out) "A baby duck holding a paddleball" Dude! It knew! (Takes off his hat to reveal the duck shaved into his hair)
Dipper	What?!
Soos	Ask it more questions!
	Static
Dipper	(Writing on paper) When is the end of the world? (Puts the paper in)
	Static
Dipper	(Reading from letter) 3012. Huh. We've got a while.
	Static
Soos	(Writing) Who is my dream woman? (Puts the letter in)
	Static
Soos	(Holding up a picture of a muscular woman) Ho ho ho! Hot tamales! I'll save that one for the archives! (Puts it in his pocket)
Dipper	Uh, when is the exact time and date of my death?
Soos	(shouting in the background) Did aliens build the pyramids?!
Dipper	Or... what is the meaning of life?
Soos	(shouting in the background) What are marshmallows made of?!
Dipper	Or... Who wrote Journal #3?!
Soos	Who wrote the journal! Who wrote the journal! (points at Dipper)
Dipper	We're finally gonna get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!
Mabel	(Comes up) Nifty! A mailbox! I've been wanting to mail Mom this video of me sticking 100 gummy worms up my nose! (puts a package inside)
Dipper	No, wait!
Soos	Dude!
Mabel	Bam! (slams mailbox door)
	The flag raises
Dipper	(Takes out letter) "Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass."
	The mailbox glows
Soos	What's that?!
Dipper and Mabel	(Runs away) AAAHH!
	The mailbox implodes. Static. Dipper, Mabel, and Soos are standing in the middle of a scorched clearing
Dipper	Well, uh, that concludes Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, where we learned when dealing with the unknown, (Angrily, to Mabel) DO NOT MAIL VIDEOS OF YOU SHOVING GUMMY WORMS UP YOUR NOSE!
Mabel	(Pulls out gummy worms) There's more where that came from! (Singing) Into my nose! INTO MY NOSE!
Dipper	No! No! show over! SHOW OVER—! (covers up camera)