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Transcript.PNG This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Mailbox." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Stan's Tattoo" Next: "Lefty"
Dipper Pines Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, Anomaly #54: The Mailbox. (Points camera at mailbox) There it is, in the middle of the forest. No house. No address. Today, me and my team of expert...
Soos Ramirez (Walks up to the mailbox) 'Sup?
Dipper ...are gonna put a letter in and see who picks it up.
Soos My letter posits a salient question: "Sup Dawg?" (Puts letter in mailbox)
Dipper Now we're gonna hide behind a bush, and wait for someone to come by.
The mailbox shakes.
Soos  (Backs away) Whoa, dude!
Dipper What the...?!
The flag raises.
Soos Did you see that?!
Dipper (Runs over to the mailbox) Open it!
Soos No, you open it, dude! I'm not touching a ghost mailbox!
Dipper  Okay, okay. Here goes. (Opens the mailbox and pulls out a letter) What?!
Soos That's not our letter, dude!
Dipper (Opens the letter) It says... (Gasps)
Soos (Grabs the letter and holds it up to the camera) "Hello Dipper and Soos."
Dipper It knows our names!
Soos What if this thing's all-knowing?
Dipper We gotta test it.
Soos (Holds up a letter) "What did I shave into my head this morning?" (Puts it in the mailbox)
The flag raises
Soos (Takes letter out) "A baby duck holding a paddleball" Dude! It knew! (Takes off his hat to reveal the duck shaved into his hair)
Dipper What?!
Soos Ask it more questions!
Dipper (Writing on paper) "When is the end of the world?" (Puts the paper in)
Dipper (Reading from letter) "3012." Huh. We got a while.
Soos  (Writing) "Who's my dream woman?" (Puts the letter in)
Soos (Holding up a picture of a muscular woman) Whoa! Hot tamales! Save that one for the archives! (Puts it in his pocket)
Dipper Uh... What is the exact time and date of my death?
Soos (Shouting in the background) Did aliens build the pyramids?!
Dipper Or... what is the meaning of life?
Soos (Shouting in the background) What are marshmallows made of?!

Or... Who wrote Journal #3?!

Soos Who wrote the journal! Who wrote the journal! (Points at Dipper)
Dipper We're finally gonna get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!
Mabel Pines (Comes up) Nifty! A mailbox! I've been wanting to mail Mom this video of me sticking 100 gummy worms up my nose! (Puts a package inside)
Dipper No, wait!
Soos Wait, dude!
Mabel Slam! (Slams mailbox door)
The flag raises.
Dipper (Takes out letter) "Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass."
The mailbox glows.
Soos What's that?!
Dipper and Mabel (Runs away) AAAHH!
The mailbox collapses in on itself, then explodes in a flash of light. Static. Dipper, Mabel, and Soos are standing in the middle of a scorched clearing.
Dipper Well, uh, that concludes Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, where we learned when dealing with the unknown, (angrily, to Mabel) do not mail videos of you shoving gummy worms up your nose!
Mabel (Pulls out gummy worms) There's more where that came from! (Singing) Into my nose! Into my nose!
Dipper No! No! Show over! Show over! (Covers up camera)
Static. A part of the hidden page is shown.

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