Headhunters/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Headhunters." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "The Legend of the Gobblewonker"

Next: "The Hand That Rocks the Mabel"

	The episode opens to Dipper and Mabel in the living room, watching a show on television called Duck-tective. The shows features a constable and a duck detective standing next to a telephone booth that has limbs of an unseen dead person sticking out. While watching the television program, Mabel knits a new sweater and Dipper eats popcorn from a bowl. Mabel reaches for some popcorn, but Dipper slaps her hand.
	Cut to TV.
Constable	I'm afraid your services won't be required here, sir. My men have examined the evidence, and this is obviously an accident.
Duck-tective	(Starts quacking, the subtitles read:) An accident, constable? Or is it...Murder?!
Constable	What?!
TV announcer	Duck-tective will return after these messages.
	Cut back to twins.
Mabel Pines	(Drops her sweater and gasps) That duck is a genius!
Dipper Pines	Eh, it's easier to find clues when you're that close to the ground.
Mabel	(Hands on her hips, squinting at Dipper doubtfully) Are you saying you could outwit Duck-tective?
Dipper	Mabel, I have very keen powers of observation. For example, just by smelling your breath, I can tell that you have been eating (Sniffs) ...an entire tube of toothpaste?!
Mabel	(Her mouth covered in sparkling toothpaste) It was so sparkly...
Soos Ramirez	(Runs in) Hey, dudes, you'll never guess what I found!
Dipper	Buried treasure!
Mabel	Buried-- (laughs and pushes Dipper playfully) Hey, I was gonna say that!
Soos	(Leading the twins to a door) So, I was cleaning up, when I found this secret door, hidden behind the wallpaper. It's crazy bonkers creepy! (Opens the door)
	The room is filled with several different wax sculptures.
Dipper	(Shining a flashlight around) Whoa! It's a secret wax museum!
Mabel	(Fingering Wax Sherlock Holmes) They're so life-like.
Dipper	(Shines flashlight and points to Stan) Except for that one.
Stan Pines	Hello!
Dipper, Mabel and Soos	(Scream in surprise)
Stan	(Chuckles) It's just me, your Grunkle Stan!
Dipper, Mabel and Soos	(Scream even louder in fright and run away)
	Cut to theme song.
Stan	Behold the Gravity Falls Wax Museum! It was one of our most popular attractions... before I forgot all about it. I got 'em all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes, (Looks at a wax sculpture of Larry King) some kind of, I don't know, goblin man?
Dipper	(Shudders) Is anyone else getting the creeps here?
Stan	And now for my personal favorite: Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over-- (Looks at the melted glob of wax on the floor, which is under sunlight from the window above it) Oh! Oh no! Come on, who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction! (Bends down and puts finger in wax; sighs) How do you fix a wax figure?
Mabel	Cheer up, Grunkle Stan. Where's that smile?
Stan	Egh.
Mabel	Beep, bop, boop! (Cheerfully pokes Stan in the face)
Stan	Ow.
Mabel	Don't worry, Grunkle Stan. I'll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax!
Stan	You really think you can make one of these puppies?
Mabel	Grunkle Stan, I'm an arts and crafts master. Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my arm? (Holds up her arm, which has a glue gun glued to it; shakes her arm) Eugh, eugh!
Stan	I like your gumption, kid!
Mabel	I don't know what that word means, but thank you!
	Cut to Dipper drinking soda and walking towards Mabel.
Mabel	Dipper!
Dipper	(Starts choking on soda)
Mabel	What do you think of my wax figure idea? (Shows Dipper a drawing that she sketched in her sketch-book) She's part fairy princess, and part horse fairy princess!
Dipper	M..maybe you should carve something from real life.
Mabel	(Shows Dipper another sketch that she created) Like a waffle, with big arms!
Dipper	Y-okay... Or, you know, something else. Like- like someone in your family.
Stan	Kids, have you seen my pants? (Poses on a briefcase)
Mabel	(Turns around, her eyes become big) Oh, muse. You work in mysterious ways.
Stan	Why's your sister talking to the ceiling?
	Cut to a montage of Mabel busily working on Wax Stan.
Mabel	(Moves back to admire her work) I think... it needs more glitter.
Soos	Agreed. (Hands Mabel a bucket of glitter)
Mabel	(Tosses the entire bucket onto the statue)
Stan	(Walks in with his pants on but not his shoes) I found my pants but now I'm missing my-- (Notices Wax Stan) Ahhh! (Falls over)
Mabel	What do you think?
Stan	I think... the Wax Museum's back in business!
	Cut to Soos leading people to see the grand opening of the Wax Museum. Dipper is working in the stand with Wendy.
Dipper	I can't believe this many people showed up.
Wendy Corduroy	I know, right? Your uncle probably bribed them or something.
Dipper	He bribed me. (Holds up dollar)
Wendy	(Holds up a dollar. They both laugh.)
Stan	(Clears throat over the microphone) You all know me, folks! Town darling, "Mr. Mystery." Please, ladies, control yourselves!
	Cut to three women in the audience staring blankly ahead, flies swarming around them.
Stan	As you know, I always bring the people of this fair town novelties and befuddlements, the likes of which the world, has never known. But enough about me. Behold... me! (Uncovers Wax Stan)
Soos	(Makes a fanfare sound on his keyboard, then makes a "Ye-ah! Ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ah!" sound)
	Two people in the audience politely clap and someone coughs.
Stan	And now a word from our own Mabelangelo!
Mabel	It's Mabel. (Takes microphone) Thank you for coming! I made this sculpture with my own two hands! (Throws up her arms) It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!
Audience	Ugh! Ewwww!
Mabel	(Chuckles) Yeah. I will now take questions! (Points to McGucket) You there!
Old Man McGucket	Old Man McGucket, local kook. Are the wax figures alive? And follow-up question, can I survive the wax-man uprising?
Mabel	Um...Yes! Next question! (Points to Toby Determined)
Toby Determined	(Holding a turkey baster as if it is a microphone) Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper. Do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?
Stan	Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby.
Toby	It certainly is--
Stan	Next question. (Points to Shandra Jimenez)
Shandra Jimenez	Shandra Jimenez, a real reporter. Your flyers promised free pizza with admission to this event. Shows flyer Is this true?
Audience members	That's what I heard! ... Come on! ... What a rip-off! ... Pizza? ... I want my pizza!..
Stan	That was a typo. Good night, everyone! (Uses a smoke bomb to escape, taking the admission fee with him)
Audience	(Leaving furiously)
Pizza Guy	(Sadly walks off)
Manly Dan	(Punches a pole) In your face!
Mabel	I think that went well. (Leans on the admission table)
	Cut to the Mystery Shack, where Stan is counting the money he got.
Stan	Hot pumpkin pie! Look at all this cash! And I owe it all to one person, this guy! (Points to Wax Stan)
Mabel	(Jokingly punches Stan)
Stan	Ooh! (Noogying her) Yeah, you too, ya little gremlin. Now you kids wash up. We got another long day of fleecing rubes tomorrow. Go, go! (Sighs) Kids.
	Cut to TV.
Constable	Well, duck-tective, it seems you've really quacked the case.
Duck detective	(Quacking; subtitles read:) Don't patronize me.
	Cut back to Stan.
Stan	(Laughs) Stupid duck! Well, I'm gonna use the john. You need anything? (Laughs) I love this guy! Don't you go nowhere.
	Cut to Dipper and Mabel brushing their teeth.
Mabel	Dipper, you wanna do a toothbrush race?
Dipper	Okay.
Stan	(Offscreen; screaming:) No... No... Noooooo!
Dipper and Mabel	(Look at each other and go downstairs)
Stan	Wax Stan! He's been... m-murdered! (Clock bongs three times)
Mabel	(Faints)
	Cut to Stan explaining the situation to the police officers.
Stan	I got up to use the john, right? And when I come back, blammo! He's headless!
Mabel	My expert handcrafting... besmirched. (Crying) Besmiiiirrrched!
Dipper	Who would do something like this?
Deputy Durland	What's your opinion, Sheriff Blubs?
Sheriff Blubs	Look, we'd love to help you folks, but let's face the facts... this case is unsolvable.
Dipper, Mabel and Stan	What?!
Stan	You take that back, Sheriff Blubs!
Dipper	You're kidding, right? There must be evidence, motives. You know, I could help if you want.
Mabel	He's really good. He figured out who was eating our tin cans!
Dipper	All signs pointed to the goat.
Stan	Yeah, yeah! Let the boy help. He's got a little brain up in his head.
Blubs	Oooh! Would you look at what we got here! City boy thinks he's gonna solve a mystery with his fancy computer phone!
Durland	City boooy! City booooooy!
Blubs	You are adorable!
Dipper	Adorable?
Blubs and Durland	(Laugh)
Blubs	Look, P.J.'s, how about you leave the investigating to the grown-ups, okay?
Man	(Over Blub's walkie talkie:) Attention, all units. Steve is about to fit an entire cantaloupe in his mouth. Repeat, an entire cantaloupe!
Durland	It's a 23-16!
Blubs	Let's move!
Blubs and Durland	(Run off laughing)
Dipper	That's it! Mabel, you and me are going to find the jerk who did this, and get back that head. Then we'll see who's adorable. (Sneezes)
Mabel	Aww, you sneeze like a kitten! (Dipper glares at her)
	Commercial break
	Cut to the next morning. Dipper and Mabel are studying the crime scene.
Dipper	Wax Stan has lost his head and its up to us to find it.
Mabel	(Takes pictures)
Dipper	There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling. (Looks at the bulletin board with pictures of suspects) The murderer could have been anyone.
Mabel	Yeah! Even us!
Dipper	In this town, anything is possible. Ghosts, zombies, it could be months before we find our first clue.
Mabel	Hey, look! A clue.
	There are shoeprints in the carpet.
Dipper	Footprints in the shag carpet!
Mabel	That's weird. They've got a hole in them.
Dipper	And they're leading to...
	There's an ax on the floor.
Dipper and Mabel	(Gasp, then look at each other)
	Cut to the twins in the gift shop with Soos.
Dipper	So, what do you think?
Soos	In my opinion: this is an ax.
Mabel	Wait a minute. The lumberjack!
Dipper and Mabel	Of course!
	Flashback to Manly Dan punching the pole.
Manly Dan	In your face!
	Back in the present.
Dipper	He was furious when he didn't get that free pizza.
Mabel	Furious enough, for murder!
Soos	Oh, you mean Manly Dan. Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy intense biker joint downtown.
Mabel	Then that's where we're going.
Soos	Dude, this is awesome. You two are like: The Mystery Twins!
Dipper	Don't call us that.
Dipper and Mabel	(Walk outside)
Stan	(Pulling a coffin out of his car) Hey, give me a hand with this coffin, will ya? I'm doin' a memorial service for wax Stan. Something small, but classy. (Pulls the coffin out of the car)
Dipper	Sorry, Grunkle Stan, but we have got a big break in the case!
Mabel	Break in the case!
Dipper	We're heading to the town right now to interrogate the murderer.
Mabel	We have an axe! (Shows Stan the ax in Dipper's bag; Making a horror movie screeching sound:) REE, REE, REE!
Stan	Hm, seems like the kind of thing that responsible parents wouldn't want you to do... Good thing I'm an uncle. Avenge me kids! AVENGE MEEE!!
	Cut to the town, Dipper and Mabel are sneaking behind a dumpster near the Skull Fracture.
Dipper	This is the place. (Gasp when Tats looks at him) Got the fake IDs?
Mabel	(Gives him one)
Dipper	(Looking at ID) Here goes nothing.
Tats	(Looks at an ID card) Sorry, but we don't serve miners.
Miner	Daaaannnnng'nab it! (Spits on the road and walks off) Eughh!
Mabel	(She and Dipper walk up) We're here to interrogate Manly Dan the lumber jack for the murder of wax Stan. (She and Dipper show their fake ID cards; Mabel jingles hers) Dedledle-e.
Tats	Works for me. (Opens door for the twins)
	Men are fighting inside the Skull Fracture. Dipper and Mabel walk inside and look around. Dipper motions for Mabel to follow him.
Mabel	(Walks over a body) He's resting.
Dipper	Alright, let's just try to blend in, ok?
Mabel	You got it, Dippingsauce. (Climbs onto a chair and talks to a man) Hey there, fellow restaurant patron! (Pats his arm) Bap!
Biker	(Growls)
Manly Dan	(Playing an arm wrestling game) AAAAAGHHHH!!
Dipper	Manly Dan, just the guy I wanted to see. Where were you last night?
Manly Dan	Punchin' the clock.
Dipper	You were at work.
Manly Dan	No, I was punchin' that clock! (Points to a broken clock outside)
Dipper	10 o'clock, the time of the murder. So, I guess you've never seen this before? (Pulls out the axe from his bag and shows Manly Dan)
Manly Dan	Listen, little girl!
Dipper	Hey, actually I'm a--
Manly Dan	I wouldn't pick my teeth with that ax. It's left handed! I only use my right hand, the MANLY HAND!! (Rips the machine's arm off and beats the machine with it)
Tyler Cutebiker	Get 'im! Get 'im! (Giggles)
Dipper	Left handed...
Mabel and Biker	(Looking at cootie catcher Mabel is counting off with) 3, 4, 5, 6.
Mabel	(Gasps) Your wife is gonna be beautiful.
Biker	(Pumps arm) Yes!
Dipper	Mabel, big break in the case!
Dipper and Mabel	(Leave)
Biker	But will she love me?!
Dipper	It's a left handed ax. (Shows her a list) These are all our suspects. Manly Dan is right handed, that means all we have to do is find our left handed suspect and we've got our killer.
Mabel	Oh man, we are on fire today! Pa-zow, Pa-zow, Pa-zow!
Dipper	Let's find that murderer. (Fist bumps Mabel)
	Montage: cut to Mabel waving at McGucket. He has a baby alligator on his right hand as he waves back to her. Dipper lists McGucket as right handed. Cut to Dipper wearing a fake mustache and carrying a package to Pizza Guy's house. Pizza Man signs Dipper's form and gets excited, only for Dipper to take the package and leave. He is listed as right handed. Cut to Mabel whistling to the Angry Lady and throwing her a baseball. She catches it with her right hand and crushes it. She is listed as right handed. Cut to the twins at Mikey R.'s house. He comes to the door with both hands in casts. His name is just crossed out. Cut to name after name being listed as right handed until the tip of the pencil breaks.
Dipper	(Gasps) Mabel, there's only one person left on this list.
Mabel	(Gasps) Of course, it all adds up!
	The cops and kids go to Gravity Falls Gossiper.
Blubs	You kids better be right about this or you'll never get the end of it.
Dipper	The evidence is irrefutable.
Mabel	It's so irrefutable.
Durland	I gonna get to use my match stick!
Blubs	You ready? You ready little fella?
Blubs and Durland	Woo, woo! (Both poke each other with their police batons)
Dipper	On 3! 1, 2, ...
Durland	(Smashes the door open) Yaaaahhhh!
Blubs	Nobody move! This is a raid!
Toby	Aaaahh! (Falls down) What is this? Some kind of raid?
Durland	(Smashes a lamp) Derp!
Dipper	Toby Determined, you're under arrest for murder of the wax body of Grunkle Stan.
Mabel	You have the right to remain impressed with our awesome detective work. (High fives Dipper)
Toby	Gobbling goose feathers! I don't understand!
Dipper	Then allow me to explain. (Flashback to the event; voiceover:) You were hoping that Grunkle Stan's new attraction would be the story that saved your failing newspaper. But when the show was a flop, you decided to go out and make your own headline. (In the flashback, Toby chops Wax Stan's head off)
Mabel	(Holding a newspaper with a picture of Wax Stan's head)
Dipper	(Flashback shows Toby's shoe with a hole in it and his turkey baster held in his left hand; voiceover:) But you were sloppy, and all the clues pointed to a shabby shoed reporter who was caught left handed.
Mabel	(Crumples up newspaper) Toby Determined, you're yesterday's news.
Toby	Boy, your little knees must be sore... from jumping to conclusions. (Dances) Hachacha! I had nothing to do with that murder.
Dipper	I knew it! (Overlapping with Mabel) Wait, what did you say? Nothing? You say nothing?
Mabel	Huh? What? Could you repeat?
Blubs	Then where were you at the night of the break-in?
Toby	Ehh... (Inserts a tape into a TV. It starts playing, and we see him taking a cardboard cutout of Shandra Jimenez out of his closet) Finally, we can be alone, cardboard cutout of TV news reporter Shandra Jimenez! (Kisses it)
Cops and kids	Eeeewwww! Yuck!
Blubs	Timestamp confirms. Toby, you're off the hook. You freak of nature.
Toby	Hooray!
Dipper	But, but it has to be him! Check the ax for fingerprints!
Blubs	(Checks for finger print on the ax) No prints at all.
Dipper	No prints?
Durland	Hey I got a headline for you: city kids waste everyone's time.
Adults	(Laugh)
Dipper and Mabel	(Look at each other, embarrassed)
Toby	(As the video of him kissing the cutout of Shandra Jimenez continues to play) Boy, I'd be pretty embarrassed if I was you two.
	Cut to Stan in the wax figure room. He is standing on a stage with a bunch of chairs set up. Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and the wax figures are the audience.
Stan	Kids, Soos, lifeless wax figures, thank you all for coming.
Soos	(Blows nose, crying)
Stan	Some people might say it's wrong for a man to love a wax replica of himself.
Soos	(Jumps up and points) They're wrong!
Stan	Easy Soos. Wax Stan, I hope you're picking pockets in wax heaven. (Wipes eye) I'm sorry, I got glitter in my eye! (Cries and runs away)
Soos	(Running after Stan, while crying:) Ohhhhh duuuude...
Dipper	(Sighs) Those cops are right about me.
Mabel	Dipper, we've come so far, we can't give up now.
Dipper	(Stands up and walk to the coffin) But I considered everything: the weapon, the motive, the clues (Looks inside coffin; sighs) Wax Stan's shoe has a hole in it...
Mabel	All the wax guys have that. It's where the pole thingy attaches to their stand dealy.
Dipper	Wait a minute, what has a hole on its shoe and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are--
Wax Holmes	Standing right behind you.
	All the wax figures come to life.
Dipper	(Gasp) Wax Sherlock Holmes! Wax Shakespeare! Wax Coolio?
Wax Coolio	Wha s'up Holmes?
Wax Lizzie Borden	(Takes her axe from Mabel)
Mabel	Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!
Wax Holmes	Congratulations, my two amuetur slueths, you have unburied the truth, and now we're going to bury you.
	Commercial break.
Wax Holmes	Bravo, Dipper Pines. You've discovered our little secret. (Takes wax Stan's head out of his cape) Applaud, everyone, applaud sarcastically.
Wax figures	(Applaud)
Wax Holmes	Uh, no that sounds too sincere. Slow clap.
Wax figures	(Slow clap)
Wax Holmes	There we go, nice and condescending.
Dipper	But... how is this possible? You're made of wax!
Mabel	Are you... magic?
Wax Holmes	(Laughs) Are we magic? She wants to know if we're magic! (Stops laughing) We're CURSED!
Wax Figures	Cursed! Cursed!
Wax Holmes	Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing. Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale.
Wax Coolio	A haunted garage sale, son!
	Flashback to the haunted garage sale.
Seller	I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price.
Stan	(Looks at price tag) Twenty dollars?! I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'.
Seller	What?
Stan	I said I was gonna rob you.
	Flashback showing the wax museum during the day.
Wax Holmes	(Voiceover:) And so, the Mystery Shack Wax Collection was born. By day, we would be the playthings of man.
Wax Coolio	(Voiceover:) But when your uncle went to sleep, we would rule da night.
	Flashback shows the statues messing around the Mystery Shack at night.
Wax Larry King	(Flicks Coolio's braids)
Wax Coolio	Hey, I told you to stop that.
Wax Larry King	Make me!
	Cut to Wax Holmes and Wax Edgar Allen Poe in Stan's room while he's sleeping. Laughing, they take a photo.
Stan	(Wakes up) Huh?
	Wax Holmes and Poe freeze when Stan wakes up.
Stan	Eh. (Returns to sleep)
Wax Holmes	(Voiceover:) It was a charmed life for us cursed beings...
	Flashback to Stan shaking the empty admission box and putting the wax figures in storage
Wax Holmes	(Voiceover:) That is, until your uncle closed up shop.
	The storage room is seen wearing out as time goes by, leaving the door blocked by wallpaper. Soos later comes by sweeping the floor and finds the knob to the storage room. He puts the knob back in its place. Dissolve to the Mystery Shack.
Wax Holmes	(Voiceover:) We've been waiting ten years to get our revenge on Stan for locking us away...
	Flashback to Wax Sherlock Holmes swipes Wax Stan's head off with an ax.
Wax Holmes	(Voiceover:) But we got the wrong guy.
	In the flashback, Stan grumbles and spits as he begins to enter and Wax Sherlock Holmes slips out; the flashback ends
Dipper	So, you're trying to murder Grunkle Stan for real?!
Mabel	You were right all along, Dipper! Wax people are creepy!
Wax Holmes	Enough! Now that you know our secret, you must... die.
	The wax figures growl and their eyes roll back in their heads. The approach the kids.
Mabel	What do we do, what do we do?
Dipper	I don't know!
Dipper and Mabel	(Throw stuff on a table behind them at the wax figures)
Dipper	(Throws a full coffee maker at them)
Wax Genghis Khan	(Coffee all over him, he is melting; Screams)
Mabel	That's it! We can melt them with hotty melty things!
Dipper and Mabel	(Grab the electric candles behind them and smile)
Dipper	Anyone move and we'll melt you into candles!
Mabel	Decorative candles!
Wax Holmes	You really think you can defeat us?
Dipper	I-I don't really know. I'm not-I'm not really sure.
Mabel	It's worth a shot, I guess.
Wax Holmes	So be it... (To wax figures:) attack!
	The figures begin closing in on the twins. Wax Lizzie Borden swings her ax at Mabel, but accidently decapitates Wax Robin Hood. Mabel walks around her, but Wax Shakespeare sneaks up behind her. Mabel cuts off his hands with the candles, and he runs away. Wax Shakespeare's hands still move, and begin strangling Mabel. Mabel walks over to a door, and repeatably smashes it on its fingers
Dipper	Interview this, Larry King! (Decapitates Wax Larry King with candle)
Wax Larry King	My neck! My beautiful neck!
Wax Groucho Marx	(Touches candle and his his hand begins to melt) Eh!
Dipper	Jokes on you, Groucho! (Cuts Groucho in half using candle)
Wax Groucho Marx	(As the top half of his body slides off of the lower half) I've heard about a cutting remark but this is ridiculous! Hey, why is there nothing in my hand?
Wax Genghis Khan	(Runs at Dipper, but Dipper dodges and he runs right into the fireplace)
Dipper	Ha, Genghis Khan! You fell harder than the... uh... I don't know, uh, Jin Dynasty? Heh. Yeah. Alright. (Gets up and runs back into the fight)
Mabel	(Swings around Wax Coolio's head while getting overwhelmed by wax figures)
Wax Coolio	Ow ow ow ow! What's up with that?
Mabel	Dipper! Watch out!
Dipper	(Cuts Wax Richard Nixon's leg; causes Nixon to be pushed into next room and sees Wax Sherlock Holmes approach him)
Wax Holmes	Alright. Let's get this taken care of. (Puts Wax Stan's head on the horn of a rhino on the wall, and grabs a sword hanging on the wall. He then swings it at Dipper, smacking the candle out of his hand, and breaking it. He swings the sword above his head, and aims it at Dipper)
Mabel	Catch! (Throws a poker to Dipper)
	Wax Holmes brings the sword on Dipper, but is blocked with the poker. Wax Sherlock keeps attacking, while Dipper blocks and is pushed back. Dipper is pushed back into the Attic Floor, and is cornered by Wax Holmes against the wall.
Wax Holmes	Once your family is out of the way, we'll rule the night once more!
Dipper	(Looks at the window, and, just when Sherlock brings the sword down, rolls through his legs and out the window) Don't count on it!
Wax Holmes	Come back here, you brat!
	Dipper climbs onto the Mystery Shack sign and Wax Holmes follows him. Dipper slowly walks across it, while Wax Holmes swings the sword at him. They clash between poker and sword while trying to maintain balance. Wax Holmes tries to hit Dipper with its sword, but Dipper jumps back, and the "S" in "Shack" falls off.
Wax Holmes	You really think you can outwit me boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass?! It's enormous!
Dipper	(Drops the poker and begins to climbs off the sign, and behind it. He hides behind the chimney and looks out to see is Wax Sherlock is there)
Wax Holmes	(Kicks him down. Raises sword) Any last words?
Dipper	Um... you got any sunscreen?
Wax Holmes	Got any--? What? (Turns and sees the sun starting to rise; Gasps) No. (Begins to melt)
Dipper	You know, letting me lead you outside? Probably not you sharpest decision.
Wax Holmes	(Continues to melt) Outsmarted by a child in short pants! No! (Starts melting faster) Fiddlesticks! Humbugs! Tiiter, total kerfuffle. Butter hallabaloo. (Everything but his face melts)
Dipper	Case closed! (Wipes hands together; the dust makes him sneeze)
Wax Holmes	Ha ha ha! You sneeze like a kitten! Those policemen were right, you're adorable! Adorable! (Falls off the roof and then splashes)
Dipper	E-ew.
	Cut to Mabel throwing the remaining parts of the wax figures into the fireplace. Wax Shakespeare's head is the only noticeable wax figure left.
Wax Shakespeare	Though our group be left in twain, man of wax shall rise agayn!
Mabel	Y'know any limericks?
Wax Shakespeare	Uh... there once was a dude from Kentucky...
Mabel	Nope! (Throws his head into the fire)
	Dipper enters.
Mabel	Dipper! You're okay! You solved the mystery after all.
Dipper	(Pulls up a chair and takes Wax Stan's head off the wall) I couldn't have done it without my sidekick.
Mabel	No offense Dipper, but you're the sidekick.
Dipper	What? Says who? Have people been saying that? Have you heard that?
Stan	(Walks in) Hot Belgian waffles!! What happened to my parlor!?
Mabel	Your wax figures turned out to be evil, so we fought them to the death!
Dipper	I decapitated Larry King.
Stan	Ha ha! You kids and your imaginations!
Dipper	On the bright side, though, look what we found. (Hands Stan Wax Stan's head)
Stan	My head! Ha ha! I missed this guy! You done good kids! Alright, line up for some affectionate noogie-ing.
Dipper	Oh I'm not so sure about that. Is there any other alternative...?
Mabel	Oh uh... I'm not so sure...
Stan	Ha ha! (Noogies Dipper and Mabel)
Mabel and Dipper	(Laugh)
	Blubs and Durland drive up to the window.
Blubs	Solved the case yet, boy? I'm so confident you're gonna say no, that I'm gonna take a long, slow sip from my cup of coffee. (Takes a long, slow sip)
Dipper	Actually, the answer is yes.
Blubs	Blu blu blu-- (Spits coffee in Durland's face)
Durland	(Screams; spits coffee in Blubs' face)
Blubs	(Screams; spits coffee in Durland's face)
Durland	(Screams; spits coffee in Blubs' face)
Blubs	It burns! It burns!
Durland	(Overlapping:) My eyes!
	They drive away, screaming.
Stan, Dipper, and Mabel	(Laugh)
Stan	They got scalded!
	A crash is heard.
Dipper	So, did you get rid of all the wax figures?
Mabel	I am ninety-nine percent sure that I did!
Dipper	Good enough for me!
	The camera moves over to a vent and we see Wax Larry King's head.
Wax Larry King	(Laughs) --Huh?
Rat	(Walks up to him)
Wax Larry King	So you're a rat. Tell me about that.
Rat	(Rips off his ear and runs off)
Wax Larry King	Hey, get back here! (Hops after him) I'm hopping! I'm hopping after a rat that stole my ear!
	Cut to credits.
Mabel	Hmm. Hey Dipper, which do you think is better? Sequins or llama hair?
Wax Larry King	(Hops to the vent next to her) The llama hair. Llamas are nature's greatest warriors. (Hops off)
Mabel	Thanks Dipper!
Dipper	(Stops reading and looks around confusely)
	Episode ends.