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Episode opens with Dipper sleeping.
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Dipper Pines
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(screams)
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Mabel Pines
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(as Mr. Upside-Downington:) Mornin', Dipper. Guess who!
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Dipper
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Oh, what joy. If it isn't Mr. Upside-Downington. How long's it been? Third grade, maybe?
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Mabel
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That's right. And I'm here to deliver you an upside-downington-tastic message!
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Dipper
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Is it the message that we're getting too old for this sort of thing?
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Mabel
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(Normal voice:) Um, kinda, actually. It's that we are exactly one week away from our 13th birthday!
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Dipper
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Woah! Our birthday's coming up already? (gasps) Soon we're gonna be actual teenagers!
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Mabel
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Finally! I can stop reading preteen magazines and start reading post-preteen magazines.
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Dipper
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PG-13 movies, here I come!
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Mabel
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And just one more year until high school. High school, Dipper! Where girls become women and they teach us stuff about... (turns Dipper around and whispers:) You know what.
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Dipper
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Trigonometry?
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Mabel
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Oh yeah, baby!
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Stan Pines and Soos enter the room.
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Stan
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That's not the only good news coming up! In one week my senior citizen's ponytail kit is coming in the mail. I'm...I'm kinda going through some things.
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Soos
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In one week, my grandma is finally letting me eat crackers on my bed! The future is coming for us all, dudes.
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Stan
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The future.
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Dipper
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The future!
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Mabel
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The future!
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Dipper
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(laughs) I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously with that face on your chin.
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Mabel
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(as Mr. Upside-Downington:) What face, Dipper?
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Dipper
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You're--You're doing the voice so you obviously know what I'm talking about--
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Mabel
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Bi bon't bou bhat bou're balking about.
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Dipper and Mabel
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(Laugh)
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Dipper
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There is something wrong with you.
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Mabel
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There's something wrong with both of us.
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Cut to theme song. Cut to the living room of the Mystery Shack.
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Mabel
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Alright, party planners. In one week we become teenagers, and our summer vacation winds to an end. So we need to throw the greatest party of all time! I'm talking piñatas with tinier piñatas inside.
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Soos
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Boom, dreams comin' true! (Pours little piñatas into a large piñata)
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Mabel
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I'm talking inviting everyone in town. Let's see, where do we stand with the gnomes?
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Stan
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Not so fast, goofus and girl-goofus. (Walks into the room) After that zombie incident, no one's throwing another party at my house. I keep finding little bits of the undead in the couch cushions. (Finds an arm under the chair cushion)
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Mabel
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But Grunkle Stan, we need some roof to raise.
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Soos
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Dude, you could rent out the Gravity Falls High School gym, and have your party there. That place is empty all summer long.
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Mabel
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The gym's a great idea, Soos. To the high school!
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The entire house quakes, startling everyone.
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Ford Pines
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(off screen) Dipper, my face is on fire!
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Dipper
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I'll just be a sec. (Runs into Ford's room) Great Uncle Ford, are you okay?
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Ford
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(Wiping off his face, which is smoking, with a towel) Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.
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Dipper
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But your face is on fire.
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Ford
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Yes, it's much faster than shaving. Now, listen, Dipper. I have a very important mission, and you are the only one who can help me. (Pulls out the rift) Remember the rift in dimensional space-time I showed you? It's cracking. (Points at crack) This is what Bill has been waiting for. If it breaks, it will cause reality as we know it to completely unravel. A hypothetical and catastrophic event I call Weirdmageddon.
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Dipper stares at a blackboard Ford has drawn up, detailing the finer points of Weirdmageddon.
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Ford
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Bill is out there, and he'd use any trick, from deception to outright possession, to make this happen. But for the sake of humanity, we mustn't let it.
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Dipper
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What do we do?
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Ford
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We patch the rift. I'll explain on the way. (Locks the rift in a protective case)
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Dipper
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Wait, what about Mabel?
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Mabel
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(Standing in the doorway) It's okay, Dipper. You should totally go with Grunkle Ford to save the world or whatever.
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Dipper
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Are you sure?
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Mabel
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We're going to be doing birthday junk all week. Plus, I packed us walky-talkies. Here's one for my party mission, and one for your smarty mission. (Laughs with Dipper)
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Ford
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(Clears throat) I did mention that the fate of the universe is at stake, didn't I? Hurry, we haven't much time. (Leaves)
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Dipper
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Okay, Dipper. It's your first big mission with Ford. A chance to prove yourself. Don't mess this up. (Runs and hits the wall) Ow! Ah, heh heh, I'm alright. (Laughs, then runs out and trips) Ahh!
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Cut to Gravity Falls High School, where Nate and Lee are messing with its sign, which says "SAWDUST INHALATION DRILL- 8:00. GO FIGHTING BEAVERS". Mabel and Soos walk inside to see the gym filled with students.
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Mabel
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Woah, Soos, I thought you said this place was empty.
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Wendy Corduroy
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My dawgs, what up?
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Mabel
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Wendy, what are you doing here?
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Wendy
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Ugh, high school registration.
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Mabel
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Ooh! You know I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more rom-com, or wacky romp?
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Wendy
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More like teen horror movie. High school is the worst. Classes get super hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you.
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Cut to two girls growling at each other, then pan to Thompson and Robbie.
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Thompson
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Can't do it! Can't do another year!
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Robbie
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My hormones are like a sweaty cage! (Punches bulletin board)
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Mabel
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Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of musical.
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Wendy
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TV lied, man! If you could avoid growing up, do it. I'd give anything to be 12 again. Anyway, what are you guys doing here?
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Mabel
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(chuckles, sadly:) Oh, just looking for a place to have my 13th birthday party.
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Teacher
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Wendy...Borduroy? I-I mean Corduroy?
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All the students laugh at Wendy.
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Wendy
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See what I mean? (walks to teacher)
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Mabel
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(Exits the gym; on the walkie talkie:) Master Mabel to Dippidy Dog. We can have our party at the gym, but we gotta talk about high school. Starting to think it might not be the awesome future we were expecting. Over.
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Dipper
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(on the walkie talkie:) I'm going through a bad patch, Mabel. We'll talk when I get back.
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Mabel
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Dipper? Come in, come in?
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Soos
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Hey, I know what'll make you feel better. Let's deliver some invites to your friends, huh?
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Mabel
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Yeah!
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Mabel and Soos drive away. Mabel finds that the sign now reads "NO ESCAPE." Cut to Dipper and Ford walking to the Floating Cliffs.
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Dipper
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(to the walkie talkie:) Mabel? Mabel, you there? Ugh.
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Ford
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Listen, Dipper. In order to seal the rift for good, it's going to take an adhesive stronger than anything on earth. Something...extraterrestrial in origin.
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Dipper
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W-What do you mean?
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Ford
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Dipper, look at the peculiar shape made by those cliffs. Does it remind you of anything?
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Dipper
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Hmm...
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Ford
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(Jingles his UFO key chain and holds it up over the cliffs)
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Dipper
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(Gasps quietly) Shut up.
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Ford
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According to my research, the entire valley of Gravity Falls was formed when an extraterrestrial object crash-landed here millions of years ago. Did this craft cause the town's strange properties? Or, did the town's strange properties attract the craft? The answer is still unknown.
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Dipper
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But, that's crazy! Where did the saucer go?
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Ford
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Sometimes the strangest things in the world are right under our noses. (pushes rock away, revealing underground entrance) And our feet, in this particular instance. Now you might wanna stand back. This magnet gun can rip the fillings out of a man's mouth from 100 feet.
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Dipper.
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(backs away a few steps as Ford detaches the opening) Woah!
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Ford
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I used to raid this thing for parts for years. Where do you think I got the materials to build my portal?
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Dipper
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You...I...words... not working for mouth.
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Ford
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Now come. Take this. (throws Dipper a magnet gun)
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Dipper
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(scrambling to catch the magnet gun) Woah, woah!
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Ford
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Don't worry, I've been down here countless times; all the aliens have been dead for millions of years. Probably.
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Dipper takes a deep breath and heads down the entrance. Cut to commercial.
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Dipper
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I can't believe there's been a giant UFO under the town this whole time.
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Ford
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I wish my mind could be where yours is right now, Dipper. When confirmation of extraterrestrials still had that punch. Now it's just sort of "eh." McGucket and I used to come down here all the time to raid their tech and study their language.
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Dipper
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This is so cool! (Takes a selfie with some of the alien symbols and laughs)
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Ford
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The substance we need to seal the rift is an alien adhesive. Strong enough to keep the hull of a spacecraft together. Just one dollop of this adhesive should be enough to seal a crack in space-time. Also, if it touches you it will seal up all the orifices in your face, (cocks gun) so try to avoid that. Now, use your magnet gun and follow me. (Uses magnet gun to climb down a pillar)
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Dipper
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Great Uncle Ford!
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Ford
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Your turn! Say "hop"! It helps!
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Dipper
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(Releases a deep breath) Okay. Just turn on magnet, leap down hole. Turn on... (fiddles with gun) C'mon already. (gun whirs to life) Magnet. (grunts as he jumps) Ah! (crashes onto the ceiling) A little help?
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Cut to Grenda's house. Mabel knocks on her front door.
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Grenda
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Oh, hi, Mabel! You're just in time for our 1 o'clock boy talk.
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Mabel
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If you think that's good...Boom! Me and Dipper's 13th birthday jam!
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Grenda
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Aw, man. Your birthday's on the last day of summer? I'm not gonna be here.
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Mabel
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What?
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Grenda
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Marius is flying me out to Austria to hang out in his castle or whatever that week. He's so clingy!
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Mabel
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You're gonna be out of town for my birthday? But at least you can come. Right Candy?
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Candy
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Sorry, Mabel. My parents send me to music camp this time of year. There is no escape from music camp.
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Mabel
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So neither of you are gonna be at my birthday party? And you won't be able to wish me goodbye at the end of the summer?
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Candy
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I'm sorry, Mabel.
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Grenda
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Summer happened so fast. (Answers phone:) Ugh Marius! Now is not the time!
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Mabel
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I think I need to radio for emotional back-up. (To walkie-talkie:) Dipper, please come in. Our party mission is going down in flames. Over. (Static on the walkie talkie; sighs)
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Cut to Dipper and Ford underground.
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Ford
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This is their storage facility. This place would've been heavily guarded, but now everything's defunct. Go ahead, flip any switch. They've all been busted for millions of years.
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Dipper pushes a button and it causes a petting zoo to fall down a hole.
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Sprott
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(To a cow behind him:) Clara, did you eat my farm?
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Clara
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(Moos)
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Cut back to Dipper and Ford.
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Ford
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The glue should be around here somewhere, so keep your eyes peeled. Dipper, let me ask you something. Have you thought much about your future?
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Dipper
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No, not really. I mean, beyond graduating high school with a high GPA so I can get accepted to a good technical college with a photography and media production minor to start my own ghost hunting show.
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Ford
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Heh heh heh! It's like talking to a younger version of myself. If you're so sure of what you want out of life, why wait? Why put up with the drudgery of school?
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Dipper
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Heh. Trust me, I'd love to fast-forward the whole thing, but it's not like I have a choice.
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Ford
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Dipper, I've been thinking. I'm getting too old to investigate Gravity Falls on my own. I need to train an apprentice to help me fight monsters, solve mysteries, and protect this town. And I think I'd--I'd like to keep it in the family.
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Dipper
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What are you saying?
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Ford
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I've read your additions to my journal and I'm impressed with your potential. What would you say to staying in Gravity Falls after the summer ends and becoming my apprentice.
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Dipper
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W-what about school?
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Ford
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Dipper, I have 12 PhDs. Your parents would be thrilled I could give you such an advanced education.
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Dipper
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(sighs) There's also Mabel. She'd be all alone in California.
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Ford
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Mabel will be fine on her own. She has a magnetic personality. I watched her become pen pals with the pizza delivery man in the 60 seconds he was at the door.
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Dipper
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Gosh, we've never really been apart before.
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Ford
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And isn't it suffocating? Dipper, can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?
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Dipper
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I-I dunno. Sounds like a dream come true, but I'm not sure I have what it takes. I was tricked by Bill, I was wrong about Stan's portal. Heck, I can't even operate this magnet gun right. (Turns on the magnet gun and it sucks up a piece of metal. As Dipper tries to get it free, something pink seeps out of it)
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Ford
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Ha! Yes! Dipper, you've found the adhesive!
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Dipper
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I did!?
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Ford
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Hoho, you really did it, kid? Huddle in, let's get a picture of this. (Hears something and holds up gun)
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Dipper
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(Whispering:) Uh, Grunkle Ford, you said everything in here is dead, right?
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Ford
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Yes. Unless somehow we've reactivated the- (gasps) security system!
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The security drones come out.
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Dipper
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What do we do?!
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Ford
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Listen to me very carefully: I've studied these; they're security droids and they detect adrenaline. You simply have to not feel any fear and they won't see you.
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Dipper
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What?!
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Ford
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It's okay. I've done it before. Just take a deep breath, focus on your intellect, and control your fear.
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Dipper
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Huh-wha-wha-wha- that's- crazy!
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Ford
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Follow my lead!
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Dipper
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Great Uncle Ford!
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Ford
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Focus, Dipper!
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The droid measures Ford's heartbeat and finds it to be calm. It moves on to Dipper.
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Dipper
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Wha- I-uh. I-I-uh...
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The droid produces a gun.
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Dipper
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I can't!
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Ford
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Get down! (Tackles Dipper, dodging the flash from the gun; stands up and shoots the droid, destroying it, but Ford gets hit with a flash)
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The other droid produces arms and drags Ford toward it.
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Ford
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Uh! No! Noooooo!
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Dipper
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Wait, no! (Runs after him but trips)
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Ford
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Stay back! It's too dangerous! Sealing the rift is what's important now! Take this! (Slides the rift to Dipper)
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The droid traps Ford in itself.
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Ford
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You're gonna have to do it without me! Use the adhesive! Fix the rift! Save the universe, Dipper!
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The droid flies away into the tunnels.
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Dipper
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Great Uncle Ford! (Chases the droid through the tunnels) Hang on, I'm coming for you! (Puts the rift in his backpack) Don't worry! I'll get you out of there!
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The droid disappears behind a saucer-shaped door.
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Dipper
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Where is that thing taking you?!
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The room glows purple and some kind of map appears.
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Ford
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(offscreen) It's an automated prison droid! Wherever it's going, I'm not coming back!
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Dipper
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What?! (Gasps as the ceiling opens to outside)
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Arm arm carries Ford toward the opening.
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Dipper
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No, no, no... don't worry, I'll think of something! (Runs after Ford)
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Ford
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Dipper! What on Earth are you doing?!
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Dipper
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(Puts duct tape around the magnet gun) Hold on, Great Uncle Ford.
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The droid Ford is in hovers below the exit.
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Dipper
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I'm getting you out of this, one way or another! (Tries to fire the gun but it doesn't work) Oh no! (Punches the gun, which has sparks flickering around it)
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The alien countdown appears to be at zero.
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Dipper
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Come on, come on! (The gun turns on and magnets Dipper to Ford's droid)
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The droid blasts away.
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Dipper
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AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
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The droid breaks through a grate and is outside, flying high into the air.
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Dipper
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(Hat falls off, grunting, pounds the droid) Let go of my uncle!! (Screams as the droid shakes and beeps)
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The droid, as Dipper screams, swerves around, flies through the crack in the cliff, through the waterfall and through the water tower. The droid bumps, knocking Ford unconscious.
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Dipper
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Ah! Great Uncle Ford! Okay, let's try: magnet pulse! (Turns a knob on the gun)
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The droid crashes into the woods. Dipper is lying behind it, bruised.
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Dipper
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(Gasps and runs to the droid) Oh no! (Pounding on the glass) Oh no no no no! (Opens the window and runs in to Ford, who is still unconscious) Come on, wake up, man! (Drags him out) We gotta get out of here before-
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Another droid is behind them. It begins to scan Dipper.
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Dipper
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Hey, uh, I'm warning you! I have a magnet gun!
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The droid produces a large gun.
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Dipper
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Oh yeah!? You think you can scare me!? Do your worst! Nothing in this universe is gonna take away my uncle! So go ahead! Give me what you've got!
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The machine measures Dipper's heartbeat, finds it normal, retracts its gun, and turns off.
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Dipper
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(Pants)
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Ford
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Ahahaha! Oh- (coughs) Oh, I thought I was a goner, kid. (coughs)
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Dipper
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(Runs to him) Oh, are you alright? What happened?
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Ford
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(Leaning on Dipper) The- the orb didn't detect any chemical signs of fear. It- it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled. Hahaha!
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Dipper
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I- I did it?
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Ford
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You did it.
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Dipper
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(Walks over to the droid)
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Ford
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This is what I was talking about. How many other twelve-year-olds do you think are capable of doing what you've just done. (Nods)
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Cut to Mabel in the attic looking at scrapbooks.
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Mabel
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(Sighs)
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Stan
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(Walks in) Hey, everything all right, pumpkin?
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Mabel
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Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck.
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Stan
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(Puts his arm around her shoulder) Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to grow up, you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' seventy and I still eat ice cream for dinner.
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Mabel
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But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls.
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Stan
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Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know. (Noogies her and leaves)
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Mabel
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Yeah, at least when I go home I always have Dipper. (Picks up a picture of Dipper) Good ol', reliable ol'-
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Her walkie-talkie crackles.
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Dipper
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(Faint, over walkie-talkie:) Are you okay?
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Ford
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(Faint, over walkie-talkie:) I'm fine.
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Dipper
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Let's get you out of there.
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Cut to Dipper and Ford.
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Ford
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Listen to me, Dipper: this town is a magnet for things that are special. And that includes you and me. It brought both of us here for a purpose. Stay here with me, Dipper. Become my apprentice. Don't let anyone hold you- (coughs)
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Dipper
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(Offers him his hand) I'll do it; I'm gonna stay.
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Ford
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Excellent. (Grabs Dipper's hand and climbs out of the ditch) Now who wants to save the world, apprentice?
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Dipper and Ford
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(Walk away laughing)
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Dipper's walkie-talkie makes static noises.
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Cut to the attic.
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Dipper
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(Comes in) Mabel! I just had the best day of my life! UFOs are real and there's one under the town and I saved Great Uncle Ford's life and- and... (Sees that Mabel is lying on her bed with her back to him, unmoving) Hey, are you okay?
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Mabel
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Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. (Holds up the walkie-talkie, which emits static) Ford's apprentice? Seriously?
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Dipper
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Look, I was thinking and... this is a huge opportunity for me.
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