Bottomless Pit!/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Bottomless Pit!." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Boss Mabel"

Next: "The Deep End"

	The episode opens with Stan Pines driving the Mystery Cart and stopping at the bottomless pit.
Stan	In this land of ours, there are many great pits. But none more bottomless than the bottomless pit. Which as you can see here is bottomless.
Soos	Question. Is it bottomless?
Stan	(Sighs) Kids, can one of you try explaining this to Soos?
Dipper	Grunkle Stan, why are we here again?
Stan	To dispose of things that we don't want. So long, Mystery Shack suggestion cards! (throws them down the pit)
Mabel	Goodbye, creepy love letters from Lil' Gideon! (throws them away) Die! Die!
Soos	(Throws his shoes down the pit.)
Dipper	Soos, what are you doing?
Soos	Throwing stuff, dude. Everyone's doing it. (Throws a grill down the pit.)
Mabel	(pushing a large box torward the pit)
Stan	What you got there, Mabel?
Mabel	Oh, it's just my personal box of mysterious secrets. Nothing worth wondering about. (Giggles and throws the box down the pit.) Goodbye forever!!!
Dipper	Grunkle Stan, do I really have to point out that a bottomless pit is, by definition, impossible?
Stan	(shaking cards out of his fez down the pit) Says you..
Mabel	Well, I guess we'll never know.
	Wind starts blowing
Soos	Aah! It's some sort of invisible pushing force!
Dipper	Quick! Everyone back to the shack! (runs torward the house)
Stan	I'm not done getting rid of these yet!
Mabel	Grunkle Stan! No!
Stan	(While everyone pulls him away from the pit) Almost...Almost..Almost!
All	Aaaaah!! (While falling into the pit)   (Cuts to theme song)
Mabel	Aaaah!!
Dipper	Aaaah!!
Soos	Aaaah!!
Stan	Aaaah!!
Soos	Anyone want to scream some more?
Dipper	Where are we?
Mabel	(Lights a glowstick.) We're somewhere where it looks like we're nowhere.
Dipper	We're gonna land on something eventually. It could be any second now.
Stan	Well...it looks like we're down here for the long haul. Who wants to see some card tricks? (Takes out cards, which fly up and away) Tada!!
Mabel	(claps)
Soos	Hey, maybe we should pass the time by telling stories.
Dipper	I have a story. It's called the time Grunkle Stan got us all thrown into a bottomless pit where we spent the rest of our natural lives!
Soos	Go on...
Mabel	Come on Dipper, you can do better than that.
Dipper	Fine. I'll tell you a story. A story I'd like to call Voice Over.
	Voice over title card appears. Mabel, Wendy, Soos are on the lawn with Waddles
Mabel	Ready?
Mabel, Wendy, and Soos	Spin the Pig!! (spin Waddles until he stops pointing at Stan)
Mabel	Hey!  Grunkle Stan. Ever kissed a pig before?
Stan	I'm not gonna answer that question.
Dipper	(runs up)Guys! I think I just got bit by a snake! I need you to get me to a hospital quick!
Stan	(laughs)
Dipper	What? What's so funny?
Stan	Sorry. It's just hard to focus on what you're saying with that squeaky puberty voice you got there.
Dipper	My what?
Mabel	It's nothing to be ashamed of, Dipper. Your voice is hillaaarrious!
Dipper	Are you saying my voice cracks? My voice doesn't crack!
Soos	Dude, no offense but your voice cracks so much that we already made a techno remix of it. (Plays the tape.)
Dipper	Do I really sound like that?
Wendy	Oh, here comes my favorite part! (Plays the last part of the tape)
Dipper	Give me that!!!! (takes the tape and leaves)
Mabel, Soos and Wendy	Spin the Pig!
Dipper	(Sighs) Even my sigh sounds weird.
Old Man McGucket	(Pops out of a hole) Hello there!!!
Dipper	(screams)
Old Man McGucket	I couldn't help but overhear your situation. Old Man McGucket (Spits on his hand) Part-time inventor.
Dipper	Why do you spit on your hand?
Old Man McGucket	I don't rightly know.
Dipper	Hey...I remember you! Your robot almost killed me!
Old Man McGucket	(pulls Dipper into an alley)Come here! Follow me into this dark and dangerous alley. (pouring a potion into a cup)Lately, I've been tickerizing with a voice alterizing tonic. On account of my (screaming:) Horrrrifying voice!
Kid	(cries and runs away)
Old Man McGucket	You can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares!!
Dipper	This will really fix my voice? Thanks! (Drinks it and leaves)
Old Man McGucket	By  morning, you'll sound like a new man!!.... If you survive.
Dipper	(Yawns) Good morning Dipper. I did it! I diiid it! Now I have a neeew voice! Ha ha ha! Morning Mabel. Who's my favorite Mabel??
Mabel	Aaaah! (Hits dipper with a golf club) Who are you?! What have you done with my brother!? Dipper! I'll save you from this body switching warlock!
Dipper	Mabel, it's me. This is my voice now. I sound awesome. (Slowly:) Soouund Aaawesome.
Mabel	I know boy's voices change, but this is weird. Weird and bad.
Dipper	But Mabel, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And just think of the prank calls. (Dials a number)
Skull fracture bouncer	(over phone:)Hello?
Dipper	Hello, this is the president of the United States of America. I am calling to tell you.. (makes spitting noises.)
Skull fracture bouncer	(Over phone:)What? Who is this!?
Dipper	(Hangs up and starts to laugh) Magnificent!
Mabel	Mabel no like.
	Cut to Soos in the gift shop
Dipper	(walks up)How are you diddly-doing, Soos?
Soos	(Grabs a broom and hits Dipper) Kill it! Kill it with fire! Everyone flee!
Dipper	What gives, man? You guys all made fun of my old voice. I thought that you'd like the new one.
Soos	Well, at least you sounded like a real person. Now, you sound like some weird commercial dude.
Dipper	I'll find Stan. He'll like my new voice. You'll see. I'll be right back after these messages!.. I mean goodbye!! (goes outside and downtown) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Where are you, Grunkle Stan? (walks by Skull Fracture)
Skull fracture bouncer	Huh? I know that voice anywhere! You're that guy that prank called me earlier!
Dipper	No I'm not. I'm a 12 year old boy.
Skull fracture bouncer	You expect me to believe that? You crazy-voiced punk!!
Dipper	Wait!No! (Screams and runs away)
Skull fracture bouncer	(Walks into a bar) There's a prank caller on the loose! Let's get him!
	Everyone chases Dipper
Dipper	(Jumps into a hole) Escaaape! (runs where old man McGucket is) McGucket! Your invention was a catastrophe!
Old Man McGucket	That's probably why I live in a dump! (dances)
Dipper	My own sister didn't recognize me. I scared away crowds. (sobs) I even sound ridiculous when I cry.
Old Man McGucket	Well here's your problem. I gave you the wrong drinking majiggy.This one's for voice over professionals. I'm pretty sure I got an better one in here somewhere. (digs through car trunk)
Dipper	Good! Hurry up!
Old Man McGucket	You got here just in time. By sundown, you'd be back to your ridiculous old voice.
Dipper	It was ridiculous, wasn't it? (Plays the tape, but there is a different remix)
Mabel	(on tape:)This remix is dedicated to Dipper Pines. Dipper, your voice is one of a kind.
Soos	(on tape:)Dude, I've never heard anything like it. Remix over! (makes explosion noise)
Old Man McGucket	Are you ready for your new voice? This one should be permanent! (gives Dipper a new potion)
Dipper	(looks back and forth between the vial and the tape)
Dipper	(Holds vial up to his mouth about to drink it, scene cuts to the shack.) Hey guys.(In normal voice).
Mabel	Dipper!
Soos	Dude, you're back!
Dipper	I guess I realized that even though my voice may not be perfect, it's still mine, and I wouldn't change it for everything, not even for whatever was in this new vial.
Mabel	So, what did you do with the rest of the potion?
Dipper	I dumped it in Stan's coffee.
Stan	( Walks in.In a female voice:) Have any of you kids seen my girdle? Where my girdle at?
Dipper, Mabel, and Soos	(laugh)	Stan	What? What's so funny? I'm Grunkle Staan! Kids laughing. Laughing at their Grunkle.
Cut back to real-time.
Mabel	I spy with my little eye something that is... Black!!
Soos	Ooh ooh! Everything!
Mabel	Yay for Soos! (claps)
Soos	Yay for Soos!
Mabel	Hey, who wants to pass the time by spinning? Everyone spin!
Dipper	No.
Mabel	(Spinning Dipper) Yaay!
Dipper	Woooaah!
Soos	(Chuckling)
Mabel	(Running on top of Dipper) Weeee!
Dipper	Ow, ow, ow, ow..
Stan	Dipper's pain is funny, but I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story.
Soos	Really? Ok. This story is called Soos' really good Pinball story. Is that a good title? Does it have to be a pun or whatever?
	Title card appears. Soos, Dipper, and Mabel are in the pinball room. Soos is playing pinball
Dipper and Mabel	Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Soos	This is it, dudes. After 4 long years of trying, I might finally get a high score on Stan's creepy old pinball machine. If I do this, I'll go down in pinball history, with the lights of Sal, Gaff, and of course, Poo.
Dipper	Have you ever tried maybe tilting the machine?
Soos	I don't know dudes, isn't breaking the rules like, against the rules?
Mabel	Nuts to the rules!! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!
Soos	(loses)	Pinball Machine	Failure! You stink!!
Soos	All right, that's it! Are you ready, kids?
Mabel and Dipper	(tilting the machine)Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!
Pinball Machine	Quit tiltin', partner. Quit tiltin'!	Soos	Tilt! (tilts the ball into the goal)
Pinball Machine	Bullseye!! New high score!!
Mabel, Dipper and Soos	(Cheering)
Soos	That was the best moment of my life. This totally beats my old best moment. (has flashback to aforementioned best moment)
Pinball Machine	That ain't right. You cheated.
Mabel	Oh, yeah. What are you gonna do about it? You're just a Pinball game, Pinball game. Taunt, taunt.
Dipper	Um, guys, there's an awful lot of green lightning coming out of that game.
Soos	No, that's the normal amount of green lightning.
	The lightning strikes them	Soos	(lying down and hitting a buzzer) Uh, 5 more minutes.(gets up) Ah! Wait. That's not a normal alarm clock.
Dipper	(runs up with Mabel)Soos! We're inside the game! Crazy!
Mabel	Sweet Moses!
Soos	Hushed exclamation of wonder! (everyone runs to a part of the pinball game)
Dipper	Awesome!
Mabel	(jumping around on the buzzers)Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing!
Soos	Dude, if this is a dream, I never want to wake up!
Pinball Game	That can be arranged. Welcome to Tumbleweed Terror, partners.
Soos	Hey, it's the skeleton cowboy guy. Did you zap me into the game to congratulate me on my new score? I beat Poo, dude!
Pinball Machine	Pardon, and if'n I do recall, I did warned y'all not to cheat. I tried to be gentleman-like, but I'm plum sick of being tilted. So, now I reckon, I'm gonna tilt you.
Soos	Well, take this! (Hits a button but hits himself in the eye)Ow! And this! (Puches himself again) Ow! It hurts. I wish this was working better. And this! Aw, dude!(Knocks himself out)
Mabel and Dipper	Soos!
Pinball Machine	(Laughs) Get yourselves ready for the...
Dipper	Multi-Ball!
Soos	Multi-Ball!
Mabel	Multi-Ball!
Pinball Machine	Ha ha ha ha ha!
Dipper	Over there!
Dipper, Mabel, and Soos	(run behind a wall)	Pinball Machine	Where are you? I'm not done teaching you a lesson about cheating yet.
Dipper	How are we gonna get out of here? Think guys.
Soos	I am. But it's hard with that gorgeous pinball wench distracting me. (Waves at her) OK. Don't worry, guys,I know every inch of this machine. There's a manual power switch inside. I can sneak in there and turn off the game. But we'll have to distract the cowboy guy. Are any of you good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises?
Mabel	(Looking up) My time has come.
Dipper	Alright, let's go Soos. Soos?
Soos	(to the pinball wench:)So are you like doing anything later?
Dipper	(kicks the wench)
Soos	Oh, right.
Pinball Machine	Come on out and show yourselves, varmints.
Mabel	(jumps up on a buzzer)Hey! Hey! Hey! Look at me and listen to what I'm doing! BUZZZZZZ! DISTRACTION! DISTRACTION!
Dipper	(singing)
Pinball Machine	Something ain't right here. Let me see where this is going.
Soos	(gets in a cart, rolls down behind the pinball machine)
Pinball Machine	Ha ha ha ha. Yippy ti yi what? (Tries to turn) Durnet, I wish I had a neck.
Dipper	Soos, pssssst. What's going on? Just press the switch already!
Soos	Ok, so I was gonna do that, but I've been thinking. According to this, turning off the power will erase all scores permanently. That score is like my one life accomplishment.
Dipper	What? If you don't hurry up, we might die in here!
Soos	Fair point. But, what is life anyway when compared to the immortality of a high score?
Dipper	Soos, are you out of your--!
Pinball Machine	There y'all are. Get ready to meet your maker, kids. My maker is Ballway Games in Redmond, Washington.(inhales)
Dipper and Mabel	(being sucked torward the cowboy skull) Woooooaah!
Dipper	Soos!
Mabel	Soos, please!
Dipper	Turn it off!!!
Soos	Uhhh Uhh. Goodbye high score. (Pushes the button and the pinball game stops)
Dipper, Mabel, and Soos	(wake up outside the game)
Soos	Woah!!  you dudes OK?
Mabel	Yes! You did it! You freed us!
Dipper	Hey man, I'm sorry you had to lose your high score.
Soos	That's OK. I have a new accomplishment now. Saving you dudes.
Dipper and Mabel	Awwwww.
Soos	You think that pinball wench will call me?
	Back to real life
Stan	I can't believe this nonsense. Magic tonics? Soos winning at something? Where did you come up with this stuff? I'll tell you a good story. It's called "Grunkle Stan wins the football bowl".
	Cut to a football stadium. Stan makes a touchdown and dances
Football player	Mr. Pines, I thought that old folks were useless, but you taught me and my gloating friends a lesson.
Beautiful Woman	(arriving in a gigantic trophy)Here is your  football winning trophy, Mr. Pines.
Stan	Thanks, beautiful woman. But I couldn't have done it without my sidekick, Footbot.
Footbot	Thank you for building me, Daddy!
Stan and football players	(laugh as fireworks go off)
Footbot	I love you, Stan.
	Back to real life
Soos, Dipper and Mabel	Boooooo!!
Stan	What? That story was great! I even threw in a talking robot for the kids.
Mabel	Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell a non-terrible story. A story called Trooth Ache!
	Title card appears. Dipper, Mabel, and Stan are in the driveway while Manly Dan ties up a bear
Stan	This attraction is gonna make me a fortune. Easy with that bear, Corduroy! I need him in showroom condition.
Bear	(Roars)	Manly Dan	No, Noo!!!! (wrestles the bear)
Mabel	Aaaaawww. They're hugging.
Dipper	So, let me get this straight. Your plan is to teach a bear how to ride a bicycle?
Stan	No. Come on, everyone's seen a bicycle-riding bear. No, no. I'm gonna teach this bear to drive.
	Cut to Stan's car driving crazily on the road. The bear is driving, Stan is in the passenger seat, and Dipper and Mabel are in the back seat.
Stan	And the yellow light means speed up.
Blubbs and Derland	(stop Stan's car)
Stan	Uh oh. What seems to be the problem, officers?
Sheriff Blubs	There better be a darn good explanation for this.
Stan	Oh there is. You see, I'm a very old man. Not long for this Earth. And the doctors assigned me a seeing eye bear to drive me to the hospital in case of an emergency.
Sheriff Blubs	Is that right? Then, where is your doctor's note?
Stan	Why, it's right here, inside my jacket. (writes note inside jacket quickly) Here you go. (gives them the note)
Sheriff Blubs	Well, I can't argue with Dr. Medicine.
Stan	To the hospital, honeypants!
Bear	(roars and drives away)
	Cut to later in the Mystery Shack. Stan is painting rocks under a sign titled "Real Gold!" Mabel walks up to him.
Mabel	Grunkle Stan, how could you lie to those policemen? Don't you know lying is always wrong?
Stan	Mabel, when you get to be my age, you'll learn you have to bend the truth for the greater good. (eats spaghetti)
Dipper	(comes in)Hey, have any of you seen my plate of spaghetti?
Stan	No. But I bet Soos has. You know how he likes to eat.
Dipper	This is a dark day. Thanks, Grunkle Stan. (runs off)
Stan	See? Greater good.
Mabel	Aaaaah!
	Cut to Mabel with Waddles in her bed
Mabel	Waddles, what am I gonna do about Grunkle Stan? (Making Waddles talk:) He needs to stop lying. (regular voice:)I know, but how do we stop him? (Making him talk again:) Maybe you should check Dipper's journal. Oink Oink. (regular:)Say oink one more time. (Waddles:) Oink Oink. (regular:)Waddles, you genius!
Mabel	(opens book)Buried underneath the deep forest are the truth teeth, which forces upon the wearer the inability to lie. Hmmmmmmm.
	Cut to Stan sleeping at night
Mabel	(Puts truth teeth in his mouth and wakes him up)
Stan	What? What's going on? Huh? Mabel?
Mabel	Quick question. What happened to Dipper's spaghetti plate?
Stan	I ate it because I have little to no concern about other people's possessions or emotions. That was strangely candid. Almost as if I am unable to lie. Well, good night. (goes to sleep)
	Cut to that morning. Mabel is whispering in Dipper's ear
Dipper	You what? That's a horrible idea!
Mabel	It's a great idea. Now he has to tell the truth.
Dipper	Hmmm..
Stan	(gives them plates)Scrambled meat, here it is.
Dipper	Stan, what do you do in secret during your lunch break?
Stan	Usually, I spend the hour aggressively scratching myself in places I shouldn't mention. Now I'm going to avoid making eye contact by pretending I'm reading this newspaper and going to the bathroom without washing my hands. (leaves)
Dipper and Mabel	Eeeeeeewww!
Dipper	Well, that was disturbing.
Mabel	Don't worry, Dipper. The truth is always a good thing.
	Cut to later that day
Unnamed ugly man	(to Stan) Hey, excuse me. Do you think this t-shirt is my size?
Stan	Never mind the t-shirt! Hey everyone, look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!
Mabel	(leads man away) I'm sorry, sir. I'm so sorry.
	Later		Stan	Doing my taxes.
Dipper	(looking at taxes) Um, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?
Stan	Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.
Dipper	You might wanna...tuck that one away there. (shreds paper)
	Dipper, Mabel and Stan are watching TV
Dipper and Mabel	Hahahahaha!!!
Stan	Sometimes, I think. Is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet, release of death?
Mabel	(rocks back and forth)
Dipper	(shivers)
	Later
Stan	(yelling up to Dipper and Mable, who are in their room)Kids, I think I have a growth forming on my back. Just wanted to be honest with you.
Dipper	I can't take it anymore! We need to take those teeth out of his mouth.
Mabel	But then he'll be a liar again.
Dipper	Could it possibly be any worse than this? (Doorbell rings)
Sheriff Blubs	So, after further investigation, it turns out that there is no Dr. Medicine in Gravity Falls.
Deputy Durland	You better have a darn good explanation for this.
Stan	Oh and I do, See I lied to you. In addition to that I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat.
Sheriff Blubs	Is all of this true?
Dipper	No it's not true. Right, Mabel?
Mabel	Um, sirs, I have to be completely and truly honest with you. Our Great Uncle Stan is...Stan is...secretly a crime fiction writer!
Sheriff Blubs	What?
Mabel	Yeah. He was just telling you about a character in his upcoming page turner, Crime Grandpa! He's never committed a crime in his life. Also, have you lost weight?
Sheriff Blubs	Finally! Somebody noticed.
Deputy Durland	Wow, a writer! Can you teach me how to read?
Stan	Author?? What?
Mabel	Ha ha, writers, masters of fiction. Good night officers. (Sighs)
Dipper	Hey, are you ok?
Mabel	I can't believed I lied.
Dipper	Hey, it was for the greater good.
Mabel	Yeah, the greater good.
Stan	Hello? Police station? I forgot to tell him about my tax fraud. No, tax fraud. (Mabel and Dipper jump on top of him.) What's gotten into you kids?
Mabel	We have to find a place to get rid of these!
Mabel	And I never saw that box of magical teeth again. Oh wait, there it is.
Dipper	(sighs)
Stan	I like the part with the bear. The rest of it seems farfetched.
Dipper	Mabel, we already know that story! We just lived through it.
Soos	If we're living through that story right now, than how does it end?
Dipper	Guys, do you see that?
Soos	What is that?
Dipper	Oh no!
Mabel	Where are we going?
Stan	Not good! (Everyone screams at the same time)
Stan	Where...where are we?
Mabel	(gasps) The Shack!! Which means.. we came right back out the top.
Dipper	And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.
Soos	Yeah, dude. That sounds sciency enough to be true.
Stan	But that's impossible. No one will believe us.
Mabel	Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.
Everyone	Agreed. [The sign falls and Stan falls into the hole.]
Mabel	He'll be fine.
	Cuts to credits.
Stan	[Sigh] ..................................... This is stupid.