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Transcript.PNG This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Bottomless Pit!." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Boss Mabel" Next: "The Deep End"
The episode opens with Stan Pines driving the Mystery Cart and stopping at the bottomless pit.
Stan Pines In this land of ours, there are many great pits. But none more bottomless than the bottomless pit. Which as you can see here is bottomless.
Soos Ramirez Question. Is it bottomless?
Stan (Sighs) Kids, can one of you try explaining this to Soos?
Dipper Pines Grunkle Stan, why are we here again?
Stan To dispose of things that we don't want. So long, Mystery Shack suggestion cards! (Throws some cards down into the pit)
Mabel Pines Goodbye, creepy love letters from Li'l Gideon! (Throws letters and gifts away) Die! Die!
Soos (Takes off his shoes and throws them in the pit)
Dipper What are you doing?
Soos Throwing stuff, dude. Everyone's doin' it. (Grabs and throws a barbecue grill down the pit)
Mabel (Pushing a large chained box toward the pit)
Stan What you got there, Mabel?
Mabel Oh, it's just my personal box of mysterious secrets. Nothing worth wondering about. (Giggles and pushes the box down the pit) Goodbye forever!
Dipper Grunkle Stan, do I really have to be the one to point out that a bottomless pit is, by definition, impossible?
Stan (Shaking cards out of his fez down the pit) Says you.
Mabel  Well, I guess we'll never know.
Wind starts blowing.
Soos Aah! It's some sort of invisible pushing force!
Dipper Quick! Everyone back to the shack! (Runs toward the house)
Stan I'm not done getting rid of these yet! (Tries throwing more cards into the bottomless pit but the wind blows them into his face)
Mabel Grunkle Stan! No!
Stan (While everyone pulls him away from the pit) Almost... Almost... Almost!
All (Fall into the pit; scream)


Cut to theme song
Mabel (Screams)
Dipper (Screams)
Soos (Screams)
Stan (Screams)
Soos So, anyone want to scream some more?
Dipper Where are we?
Mabel (Lights a glowstick) We're somewhere where it looks like we're nowhere. (Hangs the glowstick on her arm and giggles)
Dipper We're gonna land on something eventually. It could be any second now.
Everyone braces for a landing but nothing happens.
Stan Well... it looks like we're down here for the long haul. Who wants to see some card tricks? (Takes out cards, which fly up and away) Tada!
Mabel (Claps)
Soos Hey, maybe we should pass the time by telling stories.
Dipper I've got a story. It's called the time Grunkle Stan got us all thrown into a bottomless pit where we spent the rest of our NATURAL LIVES!
Soos Go on...
Mabel Come on, Dipper, you can do better than that.
Dipper Fine. (Takes the glow stick) I'll tell you a story. A story I'd like to call "Voice Over." (Title card appears; Mabel, Wendy, Soos are on the lawn with Waddles.)
Mabel Ready? 
Mabel, Wendy Corduroy, and Soos Spin the Pig! (Spin Waddles until he stops, pointing at Stan)
Mabel Hey! Grunkle Stan. Ever kissed a pig before?
Stan I'm not gonna answer that question.
Dipper (Runs up) Guys! I think I just got bit by a snake! I need you to get me to a hospital quick!
Stan (Laughs)
Dipper What? What's so funny?
Stan Sorry. It's just hard to focus on what you're saying with that squeaky puberty voice you got there.
Dipper My what?
Mabel It's nothing to be ashamed of, Dipper. Your voice is (Imitating Dipper:) hillaaarrious!
Dipper Are you saying my voice cracks? My voice doesn't crack!
Soos Dude, no offense, but it cracks so much we've already made a techno remix out of it. (Plays the tape)
Remix (Dipper's voice:) Nice to meet you

My name's Dipper Pines, P-P-Pines, Pines, Pines Nice to meet you P-p-pines, Pines, Pines

Dipper Do I really sound like that?
Wendy Oh, here comes my favorite part!
Remix Stop it, guys!
Mabel, Stan, Soos and Wendy (Laugh)
Dipper Give me that! (Grabs the tape from Soos and leaves)
Mabel, Soos and Wendy Spin the Pig!
Dipper (Sighs) Even my sigh sounds weird.
Old Man McGucket (Pops out of a hole) Hello there!
Dipper (Screams)
McGucket I couldn't help but overhear your situation. Old Man McGucket, (spits on his hand) part-time inventor.
Dipper Why do you spit on your hand?
McGucket I don't rightly know.
Dipper Hey, I remember you! Your robot almost killed me!
McGucket (Pulls Dipper into an alley) Come here! Follow me into this dark and dangerous alley. (Pouring a potion into a cup) Lately, I've been tickerizing with a voice alterizing tonic. On account of my (screaming:) Horrrrifyin' voice!
Kid (Cries and runs away)
McGucket You can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares!
Dipper This will really fix my voice? Thanks! (Drinks it and leaves)
McGucket Come mornin', you'll sound like a new man... If you survive.
Dipper (Cut to him waking up in the morning, yawns, with deeper voice:) Good morning Dipper. I did it! I diiid it! Now I have a neeew voice! Ha ha ha! (Runs to Mabel's bed) Morning Mabel. Who's my favorite Mabel?
Mabel (Screams; hits Dipper with a golf club) Who are you?! What have you done with my brother!? Dipper! I'll save you from this body switching warlock!
Dipper Mabel, it's me. This is my voice now. I sound awesome. Soouund aaawesome. 
Mabel I know boys' voices change, but this is weird. Weird and bad.
Dipper But Mabel, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And just think of the prank calls. (Dials a number)
Tats (Over phone:) Hello?
Dipper Hello, this is the President of the United States of America. I am calling to tell you... (makes spitting noises)
Tats (Over phone:) What? Who is this?!
Dipper (Hangs up and laughs) Magnificent!
Mabel Mabel no like.
Dipper (Walks up to Soos in the gift shop) How are you diddly-doing, Soos?
Soos (Grabs a broom and hits Dipper) Kill it! Kill it with fire! Everyone flee!
Dipper What gives, man? You guys all made fun of my old voice. I thought you'd like the new one.
Soos Well, at least before you sounded like a real person. Now, you sound like some weird commercial dude.
Dipper I'll find Stan. He'll like my new voice. You'll see. I'll be right back after these messages!.. I mean... goodbye. (Goes outside and downtown) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Where are you, Grunkle Stan? (Walks by Skull Fracture)
Tats Huh? I know that voice anywhere! You're that guy that prank-called me earlier!
Dipper No I'm not. I'm a 12 year old boy.
Tats You expect me to believe that? You crazy-voiced punk!
Dipper Wait! No! (Screams and runs away)
Tats (Walks into a bar) There's a prank caller on the loose! Let's get him!
Dipper (Everyone in the bar running after him; Jumps into a hole) Escaaape! (Runs to where old man McGucket is) McGucket! Your invention was a catastrophe!
McGucket That's probably why I live in a dump! (Dances)
Dipper My own sister didn't recognize me. I scared away crowds. (Sobs) I even sound ridiculous when I cry.
McGucket Well, now. Here's your problem. I gave you the wrong drinking majiggy. This one's for voice over professionals. I'm sure I got a better voice in here somewhere. (Digs through car trunk)
Dipper Good! Hurry up!
McGucket You got here just in time. Come sundown, you'd be back to your ridiculous old voice.
Dipper It was ridiculous, wasn't it? (Plays the tape)
Remix (Dipper's voice:) D-D-Dipper Pines

That's me! (Mabel's voice:) This remix is dedicated to my brother. Dipper, your voice is one of a kind. (Soos' voice:) Dude, I've never heard anything like it. R-r-remix over! (Soos makes explosion noise)

McGucket Are you ready for your new voice? This one should be permanent! (gives Dipper a new potion)
Dipper (Looks back and forth between the vial and the tape; holds vial up to his mouth about to drink it, scene cuts to the Shack; in normal voice:) Hey guys.
Mabel Dipper!
Soos Dude, you're back!
Dipper I guess I realized that even though my voice may not be perfect, it's still mine, and I wouldn't change it for anything, not even for whatever was in this new vial.
Mabel So, what did you do with the rest of that potion?
Dipper I dumped it in Stan's coffee.
Stan (Walks in; in a female voice:) Have any of you kids seen mah girdle? Where mah girdle at?
Dipper, Mabel, and Soos (Laugh)
Stan What? What's so funny? I'm Grunkle Stay-an! Kids laughing. Laughing at they Grunkle.
Cuts back to real time
Mabel I spy with my little eye something that is... Black!
Soos Ooh ooh! Everything!
Mabel Yay for Soos! (Claps)
Soos Yay for Soos!
Mabel Hey guys, who wants to pass the time by spinning? Everyone spin!
Dipper No.
Mabel (Spinning Dipper) Yaay!
Dipper Woooaah!
Soos (Chuckling)
Mabel (Running on top of Dipper) Weeee!
Dipper Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Stan Dipper's pain is funny, but I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story.
Soos Really? Okay. (Dipper screams as he spins and floats at background) This story is called "Soos' really good Pinball story. Is that a good title? Does it have to be a pun or whatever?" (Title card appears. Cut to Soos, Dipper, and Mabel in the pinball room. Soos is playing pinball.)
Dipper and Mabel Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Soos This is it, dudes. After 4 long years of trying, I might finally get a high score on Stan's creepy old pinball machine. If I do this, I'll go down in pinball history, with the likes of Sal, Gaff, and of course, Poo.
Dipper Have you ever tried maybe tilting the machine?
Soos I don't know, dudes, isn't breaking the rules like, against the rules?
Mabel Nuts to the rules! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! 
Soos (Loses)
Pinball Machine Failure! You stink!
Soos All right, that's it! Are you ready, kids?
Mabel and Dipper (Tilting the machine) Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! 
Pinball Machine Quit tiltin', partner. Quit tiltin'!
Soos Tilt! (tilts the ball into the goal)
Pinball Machine Bulls-eye! New high score!
Mabel, Dipper and Soos (Cheering)
Soos This is the best moment of my life. This totally beats my old best moment. (Flashback to Soos pressing the eject button on a VHS player and a piece of pizza comes out. Soos picks up the pizza and prepares to eat it. Cut back to the present.)
Pinball Machine That ain't right. You cheated.
Mabel Oh, yeah. What are you gonna do about it? You're just a Pinball game, Pinball game. Taunt, taunt.
Dipper Uh, guys, there's an awful lot of green lightning coming out of that game.
Soos No, that's the normal amount of green lightning.
Lightning strikes them. Cut to Soos wearing cowboy clothes in the pinball game.
Soos (Lying down and hitting a buzzer) Uh, 5 more minutes.(gets up) Ah! That's not a normal alarm clock.
Dipper (Runs up with Mabel; they are also wearing old west themed clothes) Soos! We're inside the game! Crazy!
Mabel Sweet Moses!
Soos Hushed exclamation of wonder!
Dipper Awesome!
Mabel (Jumping around on the buzzers) Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing!
Soos Dude, if this is a dream, I never want to wake up!
Pinball Machine That can be arranged. Welcome to Tumbleweed Terror, partners.
Soos Hey, it's the skeleton cowboy guy. Did you zap me into your game to congratulate me on getting my new score? I beat Poo, dude!
Pinball Machine Pardon, and if'n I do recall, I did warned y'all not to cheat. I tried to be gentleman-like, but I'm plum sick of being tilted. So, now I reckon, I'm gonna tilt you.
Soos Well, take this! (Hits a button but hits himself in the eye) Ow! And this! (Punches himself again) Ow! It hurts. I wish this was working better. And this! Aw, dude! (Knocks himself out)
Mabel and Dipper Soos!
Pinball Machine (Laughs) Get yourselves ready for the...
Dipper Multi-Ball!
Soos Multi-Ball!
Mabel Multi-Ball!
Pinball Machine Ha ha ha ha ha!
Dipper Over there!
Dipper, Mabel, and Soos run behind a wall.
Pinball Machine Where are you? I'm not done teaching you a lesson about cheating yet.
Dipper How are we gonna get out of here? Think, guys.
Soos I'm trying. But it's hard with that gorgeous pinball wench distracting me. (Waves at a cutout of a woman) Okay. Don't worry, guys, I know every inch of this machine. There's a manual power switch inside. I can sneak in there and turn off the game. But we'll have to distract the cowboy guy. Are any of you good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises?
Mabel (Hair blowing in wind) My time has come.
Dipper Alright, let's go, Soos. Soos?
Soos (To the pinball wench:) So are you, like, doing anything later?
Dipper (Kicks the wench)
Soos Oh, right.
Pinball Machine Come on out and show yourselves, varmints.
Mabel (Jumps up on a buzzer) Hey! Hey! Hey! Look at me and listen to what I'm doing! BUZZZZZZ! DISTRACTION! DISTRACTION! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!
Dipper (Sings)
Pinball Machine Something ain't right here. Let me see where this is going.
Soos (Gets in a cart, rolls down behind the pinball machine)
Pinball Machine Ha ha ha ha. Yippy ti yi what? Where are ya? (Tries to turn) Darnit, I wish I had a neck.
Dipper Soos, pssssst. What's going on? Just press the switch already!
Soos Okay, so I was gonna do that, but I've been thinking. According to this, turning off the power erases the high score permanently. That score is like my one big life accomplishment.
Dipper What? If you don't hurry up, we could die in here!
Soos Fair point. But, what is life anyway when compared to the immortality of a high score?
Dipper Soos, are you out of your--!
Pinball Machine There y'all are. Get ready to meet your maker, kids. My maker is Ballway Games in Redmond, Washington. (inhales)
Dipper and Mabel (Being sucked toward the cowboy skull) Woooooaah!
Dipper Soos!
Mabel Soos, please!
Dipper Turn it off!
Soos Uhhh Uhh. Goodbye, high score. (Pushes the button and the pinball game turns off. He and the twins wake up outside of the game) Woah! You dudes okay?
Mabel Yes! You did it! You freed us!
Dipper Hey man, I'm sorry you had to lose your high score.
Soos That's Okay. I've got a new life accomplishment now. Saving you dudes.
Dipper and Mabel Awwwww.
Soos You think that pinball wench will call me?
Cut back to the present.
Stan I can't believe this nonsense. Magic tonics? Soos winning at something? Where did you come up with this stuff? I'll tell you a good story. It's called "Grunkle Stan wins the football bowl". (Cut to a football stadium. Stan makes a touchdown and dances.)
Football player Mr. Pines, I thought that old folks were useless, but you taught me and my gloating friends a lesson.
Beautiful Woman (Arriving in a gigantic trophy) Here is your football winning trophy, Mr. Pines.
Stan Thanks, beautiful woman. But I couldn't have done it without my sidekick, Footbot.
Footbot Thank you for building me, Daddy!
Stan and football players laugh as fireworks go off.
Footbot I love you, Stan.
Cut back to the present.
Soos, Dipper and Mabel Boooooo!
Stan What? That story was great! I even threw in a talking robot for the kids.
Mabel Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell a non-terrible story. A story called "Trooth Ache!" (Title card appears. Dipper, Mabel, and Stan are in the driveway while Manly Dan ties up a bear.)
Stan This attraction is gonna make me a fortune. Easy with that bear, Corduroy! I need him in showroom condition.
Bear (Roars)
Manly Dan No, Noo! (wrestles the bear)
Mabel Aaaaawww. They're hugging.
Dipper So, let me get this straight. Your plan is to teach a bear to ride a bicycle?
Stan No. Come on, everyone's seen a bicycle-riding bear. No, no. I'm gonna teach this bear... to drive! (Cut to Stan's car driving crazily on the road. The bear is driving, Stan is in the passenger seat, and Dipper and Mabel are in the back seat.) And the yellow light means speed up. (Hears cops' siren noise) Uh oh.
Blubs and Durland (stops Stan's car)
Stan What seems to be the problem, officers?
Sheriff Blubs There better be a darn good explanation for this.
Stan Oh, there is. You see, I'm a very old man. Not long for this Earth. And the doctors assigned me a seeing eye bear to drive me to the hospital in case of an emergency.
Sheriff Blubs Is that right? Then, where is your doctor's note?
Stan Why, it's right here, inside my jacket. (writes note inside jacket quickly) There you go. (gives them the note, which says "Stan is sick and needs a bear. -Dr. Medicine")
Sheriff Blubs Well, I can't argue with Dr. Medicine.
Stan To the hospital, honeypants!
Bear (roars and drives away)
Cuts to later in the Mystery Shack. Stan is painting rocks under a sign titled "Real Gold!" Mabel walks up to him.
Mabel Grunkle Stan, how could you lie to those policemen? Don't you know lying is always wrong?
Stan Mabel, when you get to be my age, you'll learn that you sometimes have to bend the truth for the greater good. (eats spaghetti)
Dipper (comes in) Hey, have any of you seen my plate of spaghetti?
Stan (hides spaghetti behind him while turning around to Dipper) No... But I bet Soos has. You know how he likes to eat.
Dipper This is a dark day. Thanks, Grunkle Stan. (runs off)
Stan See? Greater good.
Mabel Aaaaah!
Cuts to Mabel lying on her bed with Waddles
Mabel Waddles, what am I gonna do about Grunkle Stan? (As Waddles:) He needs to stop lying. (Regular voice:) I know, but how do we stop him? (As Waddles:) Maybe you should check Dipper's journal. Oink Oink. (Regular voice:) Say oink one more time. (As Waddles:) Oink Oink. (Regular voice:) Waddles, you genius! (Opens journal; reading aloud:) "Buried 'neath a trees stump in the deep forest are the truth teeth, which forces upon the wearer the inability to lie." Hmmm. (Cut to Stan sleeping at night. Mabel puts truth teeth in his mouth and wakes him up)
Stan What? What's going on? Huh? Mabel?
Mabel Quick question. What happened to Dipper's spaghetti plate?
Stan I ate it because I have little to no concern about other people's possessions or emotions. (Realizes what he just said) That was strangely candid. Almost as if I am unable to lie. Well, good night. (Goes to sleep)
Cut to that morning. Mabel is whispering in Dipper's ear.
Dipper You what? That seems like a horrible idea!
Mabel It's great! Now he has to tell the truth.
Dipper Hmmm.
Stan (Gives them plates) Scrambled meat, here it is.
Dipper Stan, what do you do in secret everyday during your lunch break?
Stan Usually, I spend the hour aggressively scratching myself in places I shouldn't mention. Now I'm going to avoid making eye contact by pretending to read this newspaper and going to the bathroom without washing my hands. (Leaves)
Dipper and Mabel Eeeeeeewww!
Dipper Well, that was disturbing.
Mabel Don't worry, Dipper. The truth is always a good thing. (Cut to Stan in the gift shop)
Unnamed man (to Stan:) Hey, excuse me. Do you think this t-shirt is my size?
Stan Never mind the t-shirt! Hey everyone, look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!
Mabel (leads man away) I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. (Cut to Stan doing taxes)
Stan Doing my taxes.
Dipper (looks at one of the papers, which has "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" on it) Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?
Stan Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.
Dipper You might wanna... tuck that one away there. (shreds paper)
Dipper, Mabel and Stan are watching TV, where a man on a unicycle is juggling..
Dipper and Mabel Hahahahaha!
Stan Sometimes, I think. Is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet, release of death?
Mabel (Rocks back and forth)
Dipper (Shivers)
Cut to later
Stan (Yelling up to Dipper and Mabel, who are in their room:) Kids, I think I have a growth forming on my back. Just wanted to be honest with you guys.
Dipper I can't take it anymore, Mabel! We need to take those teeth out of his mouth.
Mabel But then he'll be a liar again.
Dipper Could it possibly be any worse than this?
The doorbell rings. Dipper and Mabel run downstairs, where Stan is standing in the doorway with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland.
Sheriff Blubs So, after further investigation, it turns out that there is no Dr. Medicine in Gravity Falls.
Deputy Durland You better have a darn good explanation for this.
Stan Oh and I do. You see, I lied to you. In addition I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat.
Sheriff Blubs (Drops his coffee) Is all of this true?
Dipper No! No, it's not true. Right, Mabel? 
Mabel Uh, sirs, I have to be completely and totally honest with you. Our Great Uncle Stan is.. secretly a crime fiction writer!
Sheriff Blubs What?
Mabel Yeah. He was just telling you about a character in his upcoming page turner, Crime Grandpa! He's never committed a crime in his life. Also, have you lost weight?
Sheriff Blubs Finally! Someone noticed.
Deputy Durland Wow, an author! Can you teach me how to read?
Stan What? Author?
Mabel Ha ha, writer, master of fiction. Good night, officers. (Close the door and sighs)
Dipper Hey, you alright?
Mabel I can't believed I lied.
Dipper Mabel, it was for the greater good.
Mabel Yeah, the greater good.
Stan (On phone:) Hello? Police station? I forgot to tell him about my tax fraud. No, tax fraud.
Dipper and Mabel (Tackle him)
Stan What's gotten into you kids? 
Mabel (Pulls out the teeth) We have to find a place to get rid of these! (Cut to Mabel throwing out the box into the bottomless pit at the beginning of the episode. In the present:) And I never saw that box full of magical teeth again. (Sees the box next to Stan) Oh wait, there it is.
Soos, Dipper & Stan (sighs)
Soos Oh, sweet! My shoes! (Puts his shoes back on)
Stan I like the part with the bear. The rest of it seems pretty far-fetched.
Dipper Mabel, we already know that story! We just lived through it.
Soos If we're living through that story right now, then how does it end?
Dipper Guys, do you see that?
They are approaching some light.
Soos What is that?
Dipper Oh no!
Mabel Where are we going?
Stan Not good!
All (Scream as they fall out of the pit and onto the spot they fell from)
Stan Where... where are we?
Mabel (gasps) Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top.
Dipper And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.
Soos Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true.
Stan But that's impossible. No one will believe us.
Mabel Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.
All Agreed.
Stan (Leans on the sign, which breaks, and he falls into the hole)
Mabel He'll be fine.
Cuts to credits.
Stan (Falling in silence down the hole; Sighs) This is stupid. 

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