A Tale of Two Stans/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "A Tale of Two Stans." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Not What He Seems"

Next: "Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons"

	The episode opens to a bird standing on Glass Shard Beach. The bird walks off as Stan and Ford Pines, as children, run by.
Ford	Hehehehe! Wait up!
Stan	Heh! Yeah, you should keep up.
Ford	I...I can keep up! (Peeks through some boards) Whoa!
Stan	Neato!
Ford	Mysterious, boarded-up cave! It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms! Or mesoamerican gold!
Stan	Uh, ladies first.
Ford and Stan	(Punch each other and laugh)
Ford	(Tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward)
Stan	Ha ha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! (punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it) Cool. Splinters!
Ford	(Shines flashlight into the cave) Whoa, it's so creepy in here!
Stan	(Comes into the cave) Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.
Ford	(Writing on the wall in marker:) Stanley and Stanford Pines
Stan and Ford	(Walk off, chanting:) Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!
	Cut to theme song. Cut to the Mystery Shack in the present.
Stan	Finally! After all these long years of waiting, you're actually here! Brother!
Ford	(Punches him in the face)
Stan	Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?!
Ford	This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal! Didn't you read my warnings?!
Stan	Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi side burn dimension?
Ford	Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you DID THIRTY YEARS AGO?!
Stan	What I did? Why, you ungrateful... (Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him) Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're... family. (As Ford slams him to the ground) Ah!
Mabel Pines	Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!
Ford	Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?
Soos Ramirez	Heh heh. I get that a lot.
Stan	They're your family, Poindexter. Shermy's grandkids.
Ford	I-I have a niece and nephew? (Shakes Mabel's hand) Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.
Mabel	Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal!
Ford	Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.
Dipper Pines	I-I can't believe it. You're the author of the journals!
Ford	You've read my journals?
Dipper	I haven't just read them; I've lived them! (Walking in circles) I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I (Starts breathing heavily) Oooooohhh I think I'm gonna throw up. (As Mabel comes over) Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out!
Ford	Listen, there'll be time for introductions later. But first, tell me, Stan: are there any security breaches? Does anyone else know about this portal?
Stan	No, just us. Also maybe the entire U.S. government.
Ford	The what?!
Agent Powers	(Seen on security camera; to other agents:) Fan out! We're not going anywhere till we find Stan Pines and those kids!
Ford	(Sighs) Okay. It's all right. We've got a while before they find this room. We just need to lay low and think of a plan.
Mabel	Well, it looks like we're stuck down here for a while. Who wants to tell us their entire mysterious backstory?
Ford	Yes, I have some questions about this myself, Stanley.
Dipper	Stanley?
Mabel	But your name is Stanford.
Ford	Wait, you took my name?! What have you been doing all these years, you knucklehead?!
Dipper	Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies! You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?
Mabel	And what happened between you and your brother?
Soos	I hope all this aligns exactly with my fanfic, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.
Stan	Okay okay okay, I have a lot of explaining to do. It all started... a lifetime ago... nineteen sixty something. Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey. (Cut to a seagull landing on a sign that says "GLASS SHARD BEACH-HOME OF GLASS SHARD WATER TOFFEE" and coughing up a bottlecap) I lived with my ma and pa in the Lead Paint District in the family pawn shop. (Cut to Stan's father sitting down in a chair) Dad was a strict man. Tough as a cinderblock and not easily impressed.
Filbrick Pines	I'm not impressed.
Stan	Ma was a pathological liar, which served her well as a phone psychic.
Stans' mother	(To someone on phone:) That'll be 99 cents an hour.... No, you're overpriced.... Yeah, I predicted you were gonna hang up.
Stan	(Cut to Ford as a child reading in the top bunk of a bed) And then there was my twin brother, Stanford. As if his abnormally high IQ wasn't enough, he also had a rare birth defect: (Cut to an X-ray of Stanford's hands, with the extra pinkies circled and the word "abnormality" written above) six fingers on each hand. (Cut to Ford drawing in a notebook) Which might have explained his obsession with sci-fi mystery weirdness. (Cut to Stan as a child with a bucket on his head running into a wall) As for me, I had what mom liked to call: personality. (In the flashback, Stan throws the bucket off his head and the twins laugh and run off.) But as different as we were, we were the perfect team. (Cut to the twins walking around in a cave) And every day we'd wander the beach, looking for adventure. (In the flashback:) Whoooaa...
Ford	(In the flashback:) A shipwrecked sailboat, possibly haunted by pirate ghosts!
Stan	This is the greatest thing I've ever seen! And I've once seen a dead rat floatin' in a bucket!
Ford	(Pushes him) Hahaha, ew, what's wrong with you?
Stan	Huh, you know what this thing's missin'?
Ford	Flags.
	Cut to the twins pushing the boat, which has their shirts hanging off the masts, down the beach. They are both badly sunburned.
Ford and Stan	Kings of New Jersey! Kings of New Jersey! Kings of New Jersey!
Ford	(Kneeling in front of the boat which has "STAN O' WAR" painted on its side) I dub thee: the Stan O' War! (Gets hit in the head by a small rock) Ow! What the heck? (Glares at three children standing nearby)
Crampelter	Well, well, if it ain't the loser twins. Nice boat. Ya get it at the dump? Heheheheheheheh! (high fives his two friends)
Stan	You would know, Crampelter! Get lost!
Crampelter	Listen, dorks, and listen good. (Pointing at Ford) You're a six-fingered freak, (Pointing at Stan) and you're just a... dumber, sweatier version o' him. And you're lucky you have each other because neither of you will ever make any friends! (Leaves with his friends) Ha, hahahaha! Dorks and losers...
Ford	(Looking at his hand)
Stan	Hey. Don't let those idiots get to you.
Ford	But I am a freak. I just wonder if there's anywhere in the world where weirdos like me fit in.
Stan	Hey, chin up, buddy. Look. (He and Ford look at the sea) One of these days, you and me are gonna sail away from this dumb town. We'll hunt for treasure, get all the girls, and be an unstoppable team of adventurers.
Ford	You really mean it?
Stan	High six?
Ford	High six. ("High sixes" him)
Stan	(Voice-over from the present:) Those were the good times. Those bullies may have been right about us not making many friends, but when push comes to shove, you only really need one. (In the flashback, Ford is solving a math problem on a chalkboard while Stan draws a monster-caricature of his school mistress. She hits him on the head with a ruler. Cut to the twins a few years later sitting on the boat. Cut to a few years later, when Ford is at a party laughing nervously at an angry girl, who pours her drink on him. Stan walks over and pours his drink on himself.) Ford's brains seemed to get more impressive every year. So did our pet project. (He and Ford are putting a sail on their boat; cut to Stan in class blowing a paper through a straw at a student next to him, then leaning over and copying off of Ford) Sure I got in more than my fair share of trouble, but when your brother's the smartest kid in school, you've always got a leg up on the competition. (Cut to Ford winning a science fair, and then Stan comes over and puts his arm around him) The future was lookin' bright. For both of us. Till one day... (Cut to Stan eating Toffee Peanuts in class while Ford writes something)
Woman	(Over PA:) Pines twins to the principal's office. Pines twins to the principal's office.
Stan	Ah, great, what is it this time?
	Cut Ford and Stan starting to go into the principal's office. A woman at her desk stops them.
Woman	(To Stan:) Not you; him.
Stan	(Sits in chair) Uh.
Ford	(Walks into the office, sees that his parents are there and sits in the chair between them)
Principal	Now, Mr. Pines, I'd like to speak with you very frankly if I may.
Filbrick	Very frankly is the only way I speak.
Principal	You have two sons: one of them is incredibly gifted, the other one is standing outside of this room and his name's Stanley.
Stans' mother	What are you saying?
Principal	I'm saying your son, Stanford, is a GENIUS! All his teachers are going bananas over his science fair experiment! (Gives Ford a pamphlet) Ya ever heard of West Coast Tech? Best College in the country. Their graduates turn science fiction into science FACT! The admissions team is visiting tomorrow to check out Stanford's experiment. Your son may be a future millionare, Mr. Pines.
Filbrick	I'm impressed.
Stans' mother	But what about our little free spirit, Stanley?
Principal	That clown? At this rate he'll be lucky to graduate high school. Look, there's a saltwater taffy store on the dock. And somebody's gotta get paid to scrape the barnacles off of it. Stanford's goin' places. But hey, look on the bright side: at least you'll have one son here in New Jersey forever.
Stan	(Sits down sadly outside the door; cut to Ford and Stan on the swings) Heh. Joke's on them if they think you wanna go to some stuffy college on the other side of the country. Once we get the Stan O' War complete, it's gonna be beaches, babes, and international treasure hunting for us.
Ford	Look, Stan, I can't pass up a chance like this. This school has cutting edge programs and multi-dimensional paradigm theory.
Stan	Beep boop. I am a nerd robot. That's you. That's what you sound like.
Ford	Heheh. Ah, well, if the college board isn't impressed with my experiment tomorrow, then okay, I'll do the treasure-hunting thing.
Stan	And if they are?
Ford	(Punches him) Well then, I guess you better come visit me on the other side of the country. Haha. (Walks away)
Stan	(Voice-over from the present:) Without Ford I was just half of a dynamic duo. I couldn't make it without him. (Cut to Stan walking through the science experiments at the school at night.) And now, thanks to that dumb college, I was gonna lose my brother forever. (In the flashback, Stan stops at Ford's experiment. In the flashback:) This is all your fault, ya dumb machine! (Punches the table and a piece comes off the machine) Oh no. Oh no no, what did I do? (Puts the piece back on) There. Alright. Good as new. Probably. (Puts the tarp back on and leaves; cut to Ford in front of the tarp the next morning with the college board)
Man	Alright, kid. Show us what ya got.
Ford	Okay! Well, what if I told you that the future of technology was beneath this sheet? (Pulls tarp off)
Man	I'd say that we wasted a car trip.
Ford	What? (lLoks at machine, which isn't moving) But it was stable yesterday! A fuse must have blown or something.
Man	(Crosses "Stanford Pines" off of a list of names) Kid, a perpetual motion machine has one job: to not stop. I don't think you're West Coast Tech material. (Leads the other college board members away)
Ford	No, wait! Don't go! I worked so hard! (Steps on an empty Toffee Peanuts bag, picks it up and growls)
Stan	(Cut to their house; he is sitting on a couch playing with a paddleball) One-paddle-paddle-paddle, two-paddle-paddle. Man, that Jackie-O, what a fox. (Ford enters) Hey, what's the word, Sixer?
Ford	(Holds up Toffee Peanuts bag) Can you explain what this was doing next to my broken project?!
Stan	Ho-okay. I might have accidentally been, horsing around-
Ford	This was no accident, Stan; you did this! You did this because you couldn't handle me going to college on my own!
Stan	Look, this was a mistake! Although if you think about it, maybe there's a silver lining. Huh? Treasure hunting?
Ford	Are you kidding me? Why would I want to do anything with the person who sabotaged my entire future?! (Shoves Stan onto the couch)
Filbrick	(Picks up Stanley by his shirt) You did what, you knucklehead?
Stans' mother	(Comes out of a room with a crying baby) Stanley? What's goin' on in here?
Stan	Wait, no, I can explain; it was a mistake!
Filbrick	(Throws Stan outside) You ignoramus! Your brother was gonna be our ticket out of this dump! All you ever do is lie and cheat right on your brother's coattails. Well this time you cost our family potential millions! And until you make us a fortune, you aren't welcome in this household. (Throws a duffel bag at him)
Stan	What?! Stanford, tell him he's bein' crazy! (Ford , who was watching out his window, closes his curtains) Stanford? Don't leave me hangin'. High six? (Filbrick slams the door) Fine. I can make it on my own! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! I'll make millions and you'll rue the day you turned your back on me! (Gets in his car and drives away; voice-over from the present:) Thanks to one dumb mistake I had no brother, no home, no nothing. But I had a plan to fix everything.
	Cut back to the present.
Mabel	Oh! This story's so sad! I know what you two little broken teacups need: to hug it out! Hug it out! Hug train's comin' in the station. HUGAPOLOOZA! TWO THOUSAND!
Stan	Kid, will ya knock that off? I'm tryin' to tell my life story here. (Cut to Stan as a young man with a metal detector on the beach) I had decided I wasn't gonna show my face at home until I made something of myself. Unfortunately, the treasure-hunting business was slow going. Apparently gold was some kind of... rare metal. (In the flashback, Stan sees a billboard advertising the traveling salesman lifestyle and throws his metal detector away) Luckily I struck a different kind of gold.... in sales. (Cut to Stan in a commercial; in commercial:) Hi! I'm Stan Pines of Stan Co. Enterprises. Are sick of this always happening to you? (A pitcher of juice is thrown at him, getting juice all over him) Then you need the Shammy of the future! (Begins to wipe himself off, then the commercial skips ahead to him completely clean) Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon! That's the Sham Total! It's a total sham. (Voice-over from the present:) I had made my mark, all right. Unfortunately, so did the Shammies. (Cut to a woman using a Sham Total to clean a robe, but the blue dye from the Shammy leaks onto it.) Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. (Cut to an angry mob) Customers went crazy about that. Fortunately they were using Stan Co. brand pitchforks. (The mob's pitchforks break; Stanley drives by them in his car; in flashback:) SUCKERS! (Voice-over from present:) I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pinington was ready to take on Pennsylvania. (In another commercial:) Hi! I'm Steve Pinington! (Pulls at Band-aid on his arm) Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip Off! The Rip Off won't give you rashes, I repeat: it won't give you rashes. (The words "IT WON'T GIVE YOU RASHES" appears on the screen; voice-over from present as angry mob with rashes chases Stanley out of Pennsylvania:) It gave ya rashes. (Cut to a map of USA with a line moving around it) I traveled the whole country, sometimes outside of it, always one step ahead of the law, looking for something that would be my big break.
	Cut back to the present.
Mabel	Whoa. So that explains all the fake IDs.
Dipper	(To Ford:) But, wait, what about you? Did you end up going to your dream school?
Ford	Not exactly. (Cut back to the past, on the auditorium of Backupsmore University)
Speaker	(Standing at podium) Alright, I know Backupsmore wasn't anyone's first choice, but what we lack in prestige, we make up for in mostly bug-free dorms! I'm sure your families are proud, more or less.
Ford	(Sitting in the audience, looks at a picture of his family; cut to him studying in his dorm; voice-over from the present:) In a place like that, I had to work twice as hard. Luckily, that's what I do best. I went from undergrad to PhD three years ahead of schedule, wrote a thesis that was nationally ranked, and was awarded an enormous grant for my own scientific research! But what to study. (Cut to Ford looking at his hand, then at a book about anomalies) My whole life I'd been teased for my six fingers. But that got my thinking about anomalies: things that were odd, unusual, statistically improbable. And according to my investigations, there was one place with a higher concentration of these things than anywhere else. (Cut to Ford standing in front of a map of USA with dots marked on it, most of which are in Oregon. Ford circles Oregon) A small lumber town in roadkill country, Oregon: Gravity Falls.
Stan	(in a flashback, marks Xs on a map of USA titles "STATES I'M BANNED IN"; Voice-over from present:) Meanwhile, your old uncle Stan was doing great. I had come up with a sophisticated new business strategy. (In the flashback, picks up a lottery card and begins scratching some circles off with a coin, in flashback:) Come on, owl... (scratches another owl) owl... (Scratches a football player with an omelet) football player with an omelet!? Gah! (Crumples the card up and throws it against the window; voice-over from present:) I was in great shape, living on my own, and the best part was: I didn't need help from nobody. (Cut to him in the flashback dialing a number at a payphone)
Ford	(In flashback, over phone:) Hello? This is Stanford Pines.
Stan	(Hangs up phone and sighs)
Ford	(Driving into Gravity Falls; voice-over from the present:) I was heading out on my own as well. (Standing in front of the Mystery Shack being constructed) I set to work using my grant money to investigate the strange properties of this town, but what would I find here? (A giant hand grabs his car) Bingo. I began to investigate at once. (Cut to him setting a Journal on a table, tracing his hand, pasting the trace on the Journal, and writing "1" on it) I knew I'd have to record my findings. I began to keep a journal...
Dipper	(Screams) THE JOURNALS!!!
	Cut back to the present. Everyone is staring at Dipper.
Dipper	Sorry, sorry, (Clears throat) just got excited there... About the journals... Keep-keep talking.
Ford	I began to keep a Journal...
Dipper	(Screams)
Ford	Just going to ignore that. There were anomalies everywhere. And the more I looked, the more I saw. (Cut to him as a young man catching Eye-Bats and putting them into a jar, then recording it in his Journal; the Shape Shifter hatches in front of him, then immediately turns into a cup. Stanford writes in his journal about the "floating cliffs". Cut to him and a gnome that looks like Schmebulock; in flashback:) Fascinating, what did you say your name was?
Gnome	Schmebulock... Senior.
Ford	(Writes in in journal 3 and looks at cover; voice-over from present:) It was finally a place where I felt at home, but something nagged at me: where did it all come from? It seemed to me the answer must come from outside of our world, a dimension of weirdness leaking into ours. I realized the only way to understand Gravity Falls would be to build a gateway: a portal to the source of its weirdness. (In the flashback, is drawing the portal map in the journals) But I couldn't make it alone. I decided to call up my old college buddy, Fiddleford McGucket, a young but brilliant mechanic, who was wasting his talent trying to make personal computers in some garage in Palo Alto. (Cut to McGucket's garage full of computers, where he is playing a banjo when the phone rings. He picks it up)
McGucket	Hello? Fiddleford Computermajigs?.. You say you're tryin' to build a transuniversal polydimensional metavortex? Well that's mathematically feasible! I reckon. (Spits)
Ford	(Cut to Ford and McGucket working on the portal, when the power surges) Many long nights were spent perfecting the machine. It would be a crowning achievement of my studies. An answer to the source of this town's anomalies.
Tyler's mother	(To Tyler Cutebiker, who is on a bike:) Git out, git out, git out! (The two hurriedly leave the area)
Ford	(He and McGucket carry a dummy to the portal) The time had come to test it. (In flashback:) Ready, and... (They release the dummy, but a rope from it catches McGucket and he flies toward the portal, screaming) What? (Grabs the rope and holds him, back but McGucket's head is in the portal) I got ya, buddy! (pulls the rope and McGucket and the dummy come out of the portal; to McGucket:) What is it? Is it working? What did you see?!
McGucket	Ahh! VOTMZRIG IVSKRX OORY.
Ford	Fiddleford?
McGucket	When Gravity Falls and earth becomes sky, fear the beast with just one eye.
Ford	Fiddleford, get a hold of yourself, you're not making any sense. (Puts his hand on McGucket's shoulder)
McGucket	(Jerks away) This machine is dangerous. You'll bring about the end of the world with this. Destroy it before it destroys us all!
Ford	I can't destroy this; it's my life's work!
McGucket	I fear we've unleashed a grave danger on the world. One I'd just as soon forget. I quit! (Walks away)
Ford	Fine! I'll do it without you! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! (A whispering sound is heard) What? Who said that? (Backs into a wall; voice-over from the present:) I was in over my head, and feared I was losing my sanity. I needed help. Someone I could trust.
Stan	(Cut to him in his apartment when he hears knocking. Grabs baseball bat) Just give me a few more days, Rico! I'll pay your goons back, I swear! (A Gravity Falls postcard comes through his mail slot. He looks out and sees the post man leaving. He looks at the postcard which says "PLEASE COME! -FORD. Cut to him walking up to Ford's door) You haven't seen your brother in over ten years. It's okay. He's family. He won't bite. (Knocks)
Ford	(Opens door) Who is it?! Have you come to steal my eyes?! (Points crossbow)
Stan	Well, I can always count on you for a warm welcome.
Ford	Stanley, did anyone follow you? Anyone at all?
Stan	Eh, hello to you, too, pal. (As Ford grabs him and pulls him inside) Ah!
Ford	(Shines flashlight in Stan's eyes)
Stanley	(Pushes him away) Ah! Hey! What is this?
Ford	Sorry, I just had to make sure you weren't... uh, it's nothing. Come in, come in. (Darts away)
Stan	(Following him) Uh, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee.
Ford	(Holding Journal 1) Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. (Turns the head of a skeleton away from him)
Stan	Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay?
Ford	I have something to show you. Something you won't believe.
Stan	Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. (Standing in the portal room) There is nothing about this I understand.
Ford	It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left. And you are the only person I can trust to take it. (Gives Stan the journal) I have something to ask of you: you remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can! To the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it!
Stan	That's it?! You finally wanna see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible!?
Ford	Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against! What I've been through!
Stan	No, no. You don't understand what I've been through! I've been to prison in three different countries! I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? I've got a mullet, Stanford! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself.
Ford	I'm selfish? I'm selfish, Stanley? How can you say that after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen!
Stan	Well, listen to this: you want me to get rid of this book? Fine, I'll get rid of it right now! (Takes out lighter)
Ford	No! (Grabs the journal) You don't understand!
Stan	(Takes it back) You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it!
Ford	My research! (Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him) Stanley, give it back! (Pushes him onto some of the buttons)
Stan	You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that!
	The portal turns on.
Stan	(Trying to pull the journal away from Ford) You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life!
Ford	You ruined your own life! (Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams and falls to the floor) Stanley! Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! Are you alr-
	Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever. Stan follows him.
Stan	Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE 'EM. (Shoves Ford back into the portal light, and he starts getting sucked into it) Whoa, whoa, hey, what's going on? Hey, hey, Stanford-
Ford	Stanley! Stanley, help me!
Stan	Oh, no, what do I do?!!
Ford	Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! (Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal)
	A flash of white engulfs everything. When it fades, Stan is lying on the floor.
Stan	Stanford?
	Ford's glasses fall onto the floor.
Stan	(Runs to the portal) Stanford, come back! I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT! (Pounds on the side of the portal)
	The portal turns off.
Stan	(Runs to the lever and tries to pull it to no avail) I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah, come on! STANFORD! (Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:) I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. (Flips to the back of Journal 1, where it says "continued in journal #2"; cut to Stan laying on the couch with Journal 1 and Ford's glasses at night) I didn't get much sleep that night. (Looks at the glasses) Or the night after that. (Cut to Stan with the lever and a screwdriver) I tried for weeks to turn that dumb machine back on. But without the other two journals (The machine emits a few sparks, then dies) it was hopeless. (Cut to Stan walking down the street) Finally I ran out of food. I had no choice but to go into town. (Walks into the Dusk 2 Dawn; cut to him with a loaf of bread at the cash register)
Ma	Just the bread, then, there, stranger? That'll be 99 cents.
Stan	(Looks into his pockets and pulls out a packet of sugar, a paper clip and a peso)
Susan	Hey, that's no stranger. That must be the mysterious science guy that lives in the woods!
	A crowd gathers.
Stan	(In flashback:) Uh, n-no, no. You've got the wrong guy. (Pulls his hood tighter)
Toby Determined	I've heard strange stories about that old shack.
Daryl Blubs	Yeah! Mysterious lights and spooky experiments.
Pa	Gosh, I'd pay anything to see what kind of shenanigans you get up to in there.
Susan	Oh, me too! Do you ever give any tours?
Stan	No. Really I- (Looks at hand, then sighs) Yes, I do give tours! Ten... nah-no... fifteen bucks a person!
	Crowd cheers and holds up money.
Susan	Sir! What did you say your name was, you man of mystery?
Stan	Oh, uh, Stan...ford. Stanford Pines. (Cut to Stan leading a tour into the house) Step right up, folks, uh, to a world of... enchantment, or whatever. (With a box with a dial and two antennae on it) Behold, the um, nerdy science box.
Susan	(Looks at it and it burns her eye) Ah! My eye!
Stan	Uh, I can assure you, that is in no way permanent.
Susan	I paid fifteen dollars for this!?
	Crowd begins muttering.
Stan	Uhh... (Grabs the skeleton and some clothing) You're lucky you weren't part of the last tour group, um, (Shows them the skeleton, which he has dressed as a tourist) they never made it out aliiiivve. Heheh. Right?
	The crowd laughs.
Susan	That's funny.
Stan	(Montage of Stan putting up signs, making attractions, selling merchandise. Voice-over from the present:) So I came up with a plan. I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. For once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack. Finally I found something I was good at. For once being a liar and a cheat paid off. The old me was dead, and I'd faked a car crash to prove it. By day I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery. But by night I was down in the basement, trying to bring the real Stanford back. (Cut to Stan seeing a tour out, then going into the basement and looking at the portal. Cut back to the present) I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth and sabotaging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids.
Dipper	So all this time you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.
Stan	That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either.
Agent	(From upstairs:) I heard talking! It was coming from downstairs!
Stan	Oh no, it's too late, the agents are comin' for us!
Mabel	What do we do?!
Soos	Aw, man. I was so spellbound by your dramatic tale I forgot all about those dudes.
Dipper	Wait, forget. That's it! I think I know a way we might be able to defeat those agents! (Takes a Memory erasing gun out of a bag and gives it to Stanford)
Ford	Of course! I don't know how you got a hold of one of these but, this is perfect! If I can just amplify the signal to a radio headset frequency... (Plugs some wires into the gun and looks through some viewing glasses to see the agents running into the shack) There. Now everyone PLUG YOUR EARS! GET DOWN! NOW!
	Everyone crouches and plugs their ears. Cut to Agent Powers and Trigger at the doorway.
Agent Trigger	Sir! Looks like there's a hidden door behind the vending machine!
Powers	Excellent! Get me Washington on Line 1! I've been practicing sounds of excitement for this very occasion. Hey, do you hear that?
	A wave pulses through the shack and yard.
Powers	What? Where am I? Why am I standing in front of some sort of goofy fun knick-knack house?
Ford	(Comes to the porch) Stand down, gentlemen! I've been sent with the latest intel from Washington. (flipping through some of Mabel's drawings) According to this very real report, the power surges in Gravity Falls were actually due to radiation from an unreported meteor shower. A total embarrassment for your whole department. Luckily I'm here to take this mess off your hands, but I'll need of all your... floppy disks, and 8-tracks...right?
Powers	Uh, everything about this case is contained on this drive.
Trigger	(Hands Ford a flash drive labeled "PINES")
Ford	Well, what are you waiting for, a kiss on the cheek? Get out of here before I have your butts court-martialed!
Powers	Uhh, yes sir. Apologies, sir. (whistles) False alarm, everyone! (Trips on his way back to the car)
	The government agents all leave. Ford gives Gompers the flash drive, and the goat runs away with it in his mouth.
Mabel	(Runs out with Dipper) Great uncle Stanford, that was amazing!
Stan	(Follows with Soos) Let's not go crazy; it was serviceable.
Ford	(Chuckles) Thank you, kids, but please, call me Ford.
Dipper	Sure! Thanks, Great Uncle Ford. So, uh, (Holds up a pen and notepad and clicks pen excitedly) would you mind if I ask you a couple billion questions about Gravity Falls?
Ford	Um, well I-uh...
Stan	All right, kids, it's been a long day and me and my brother have a lot to talk about. Why don't you hit the hay, huh?
Dipper	But, it's the author! (Clicks pen rapidly) I've been waiting so long to ask questions about-
Stan	(Grabs Dipper and Mabel's heads and pushes them away) I said. Hit. The hay!
Soos	I'll just... let myself out. (Sidesteps away, and when he's out of sight the beeping of a phone can be heard; Offscreen:) Wendy, I've got something amazing to tell you. Clear the next fourteen hours!
	Cut to night. Stan and Ford are looking at themselves in the mirror.
Stan	Look at us. When did we become old men?
Ford	You look like Dad.
Stan	Ugh, uck, don't say that.
Ford and Stan	(Laugh)
Ford	(Sighs) Okay, Stanley, here's the deal. You can stay here the rest of the summer to watch the kids. I'll stay down in the basement and try to contain any remaining damage. But when the summer's over, you give me my house back, you give me my name back, and this Mystery Shack junk is over forever. You got it?
Stan	You really aren't gonna thank me, are you? (Beat) Fine. On one condition: you stay away from the kids; I don't want them in danger. Cause as far as I'm concerned, they're the only family I have left. (Walks upstairs, stops, starts to look back, then keeps walking)
	Cut to Dipper and Mabel in their room. Mabel is standing by the door.
Mabel	Did you hear what they said? I think Grunkle Ford said they're gonna buy us puppies made of ice cream. Might be wishful thinking, though.
Dipper	I don't know if this is good or bad. I wanted to meet the author, but...
Mabel	(Sits on her bed) Yeah. I liked the way things were here before. Just us and Stan and the occasional goblin-monster.
Dipper	Eh, I'm sure they'll work things out.
Mabel	Dipper, you don't think we'll turn out like Stan and Ford, do you?
Dipper	Well. What do you mean?
Mabel	(Lays down) I mean, they used to be best friends, but then they got all stupid. Can you promise me you won't get stupid?
Dipper	I'm not stupider than you, dum-dum.
Mabel	(Laughs) Good night, stupid.
Dipper	Good night, stupid. (Turns light off and closes eyes)
Mabel	(Looks up nervously)
	End credits: Wendy is sitting up in her bed at 3 in the morning with Soos on the phone.
Soos	Okay, okay, so it turns out that the second Stan, the Stan that, we know, was actually, Stanley but the first Stan, was Stanford, but we didn't know, until, that Stanford came out of the portal, which was built by Stanford, but then Stanley pretended to be Stanford, he, did the portal, cause he's Stan, but he's not Stan.
Wendy Corduroy	Soos, it's three in the morning.
Soos	Okay, okay, I understand. Anyway, act two: Stan started...
Wendy	(Groans and lays back on her bed)
	End