Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-27708312-20170202163909/@comment-27708312-20170219042216

Guyscopelevel wrote: I mentioned in the second paragraph of my review the one part I thought worked well and didn't need any changes.

I don't think the rest of the story is bad. Just unfinished. There's tons of potential in there, but it's in need of further development and polishing.

I don't think that the story plot leads the reader to to the inevitable conclusion that Wendy's mom died in an explosion due to her own carelessness. It's one possibility, certainly, but not a logical necessity.

To imply it strongly, I think you'd need to show some minor mishap to the mom, a bloody scratch and getting the wind knocked out of her, perhaps. Young-Wendy would have a momentary fright, thinking her mom was dead. It would be an effective shock to the reader as well, thinking you were telling the story of the mom's death.

Mom then gets up, brushes herself off, and angrily scolds a sobbing Wendy not to take things so seriously all the time. Thus you could show one of the foundation blocks of Wendy's personality and have the mom display the hubris of believing she is untouchable and justified in her lackadaisical attitude toward safety.

With that sort of setup, it is inevitable karma that the mom dies from her own carelessness. Alright, I'll consider that. Would you like to read another story?