Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-27708312-20170202163909/@comment-31166511-20170228081843

Ch 5 has a lot of telling and summary instead of showing.

Too much of the dialog sounds like:

"What do you want to do?"

"I dunnow. What do you want to do?"

"I dunnow. What do you want to do?"

etc.

The twins don't sound very themselves. In fact, you could almost exchange their lines with each other without affecting the story. I need to head more of their personalies in their word choices.

Mabel might be able to be able to form all the shapes mentioned in the chapter, but they shouldn't be anything like the standard versions.

Where's the half fairy princess/horse fairy princesses?

Where's the waffles with biceps?

Where's the baby of coffee and nightmares?

Unlike the Shapeshifter in the bunker who lacks imagination, Mabel has plenty of imagination to power her shapes.

Imagine Mable saying:

"Hey Dipper. Remember when the Shapeshifter turned into a Mabel/Dipper cross mix?

"Yeah, but that was really scary, so I'd appreciate if you didn't--"

"Too late! Appreciate THIS!"

"Aaaa-- oh. That's not very scary."

"Whut? Boo! Whut a sux whul U indu thus."

"Big rabbit teeth are not scary, Mabel. Neither is the half-melted Makeover Siblings."

"Makeovers are great!"

"Ew. Disturbing, but not scary. Trust me Mabel, if the Wolfman's fur was covered in hair ribbons, people would not be scared."