Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-27708312-20170202163909/@comment-31166511-20170223014732

Ralphini wrote: Okay, I'll try to change that up in the future. What did you think of the Hivemind story?

The idea was very cool, but the quality of the character dialog really suffers this time.

You are pretty good at writing Mabel dialogue, and you have a scarry, genius-level talent for understanding the way Dipper's mind works. I've seen you nail this aspect again and again before. But it's like you didn't bring that talent to this story.

Yes, Mabel and Dipper care about each other, that's Mabel & Dipper Interaction 101. But there is always more going on when they interact. Mabel is a bit of a performer at all times and Dipper is always thinking of a million things at the same time.

It's why I think the Journals appeal to him so much. In "Double Dipper", Mabel says "You didn't make another of those complicated listy things *again*, did you?"

The emphasis is mine.

After Dipper accidentally confesses his feelings to Wendy (and yet *another* written note to himself, found by Mabel) and they work things out, Wendy asks how he feels now. Dipper replies, "Scared, anxious, a little itchy."

I think that Dipper writes his thoughts in the Journals and elsewhere to try to get the tangled mess of thoughts out of his head. When he tells Mabel, "It's not like I lie awake at night thinking" about Wendy. The next scene proves him wrong and also shows that Dipper really doesn't know his own mind, especially when it comes to emotional issues.

When Dipper thought Mabel was dating a zombie, he was stoutly convinced at the begining. But after a lot of video recording (which must have taken an enormous amount of patience and stealth), Dipper is all ready to turn 180 degrees from a posistion he was ready to argue to defend.

Recording, reflecting and reviewing is how Dipper makes up his mind. Until he has a chance to sort out his thought on paper or on video, he is apt to blind stubborness, or uncertain waffling.

But I'm just thinking out loud here. You already know all this about this character. But it's like you didn't want to do the work.

Why does the story start so obviously after Dipper has already gotten used to Mabel's new condition? This technique of story telling is often used when an author wants to imply a detailed background that he doesn't want to spend time introducing to the reader.

But again, the outer environment has very little influence on the action of the story. Once again there is a very isolated feeling to the story flow.

I think you should be very cautious about plot lines that pull your characters away from the outside world and isolates them. You seem to get very focused on the immediate events to the point that the action slows to a crawl as the descriptive details pile up.

What happens in this story? Dipper says goodnight to Mabel and goes to sleep. There are a lot of things seen in the story, but very little happens or is said.

How many times does Dipper apologize and promise to cure Mabel? Too many times. Dipper should be brainstorming ideas and checking the Journal. That is, if it hasn't been thrown into the Bottomless Pit already; there are still a few episodes I haven't seen or don't recall well. I don't recall the disposing of the Journals in the pit, but I'd tought I'd seen all 3 parts of the "Weirdmageon" episode.

Dipper dives into conspiracy theory mode to escape feelings that are too intense or uncomfortable. I'd like to see more of that in this scene.

Mabel the Shapeshifter should be going absolutely nuts with her new toy. Think of the first night she got her grappling hook gun. Mabel should be causing some level of damage to the twins' room until she sees how uncomfotable and guilty it makes Dipper feel.

I did really like the Mabel pillow ending. It was sweet and creepy at the same time. A perfect Gravity Falls ending.

However, I would stongly advise you to go back and flesh out all the scenes that the twins merely talk about. Basic rule of writing, show, don't tell.

I want to see Dipper freak at the thought of the Mabel Bugs dispersing too much to ever come back together.

I want to see Dipper's reaction the first time Mabel says she feels weird and then aparently melts.